Saturday, 5 January 2013

Ticking Timebomb 2010

I have always had the desire to be a Mum and have always thought that I would adopt as well as having children naturally. I think since I was about 6 and playing with dolls and being a bridesmaid several times at an early age did it for me. That was it, my planned destiny in my heart and my hopes and dreams right then. The dream of course was to meet a man, get marrried and have lots of children. The dream. It was all so simple. Whilst I have always thought I would adopt, I had always thought that that I would have some of my own children first and then adopt. I had always considered being a Mum would be as a married woman, get pregnant, have children -  a mix of boys and girls and adopt as well. My very short marriage ended devastatingly at the very time we had always said we would have children when I hit 30. When I did hit 30, ironically it seemed, instead of planning a pregnancy, divorce papers were filed. And yet I still dreamed and hoped. I dreamed of falling in love again and of being married and having children. There was hope for all of this to happen. There was still lots of time to have a family, wasn't there. Wasn't there? After many years of hoping and each new year or birthday thinking, well maybe this year.... Meeting men and either trusting them enough after the pain of one failed marriage to develop a new relationship, or for them to like me enought to want to form a new relationship it hasn't yet happened. The tick of time continued. Friends got married, some re-married, many got pregnant and have children and at many of these occasions there was often a sting in the tail for me. When will it be my turn? Surely it will be my turn next? When I was in my early 40's, I did a lot of soul searching and began to hear this loud ticking noise. What was that noise? Tick, tick. I realised that perhaps there would never be THE year for me to meet the man of my dreams and to have children of our own. I may meet someone special, I may not. Tick, tick, tick, the noise gets louder. My natural body clock was a ticking timebomb and as the years have come and gone, the tick has got louder and louder and the timebobmb has been ready and waiting, poised and ready. To explode. Over my head and from inside my body all at the same time.
I turn another year older.
Tick, Tick, Tick.
The timebomb explodes.
I see things differently. Separation of the desire to be with a man and the desire to have children occurs as if orbiting through space and they become two seperate desires of time.
The timebomb explodes with the reality that I do not have time to naturally meet a man and get married and to get pregnant and have children of my own.
These desires are now separated and making their journey through time and space and are now desire and reality to realise.
Reality: I may or may not meet a lovely man to share my life with.
Desire: I want to be a Mum.
I realise: I still want to be a Mum.

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