The phone rang - it was PJ's social worker 25 minutes after the court hearing for the Adoption Order Hearing was scheduled. Congratulations! they said, It is all done!
Who is it? PJ asked and then asked if they were coming. No, not today, I said but added that they called with some very special news.
Can you tell me?
Yes, I can tell you.
It is very exciting. Every one really does say yes. You really are PJ and you will be forever. I really am your Mummy and will be forever. I will always be your Mummy and you will always be with me now.
Wow. That's amazing, you say.
I love my beautiful name, you say.
When I am a grown up, I won't be PJ anymore. If I get married. Well, yes, you might change your name if you get married, yes, but I will always be your Mummy.
When I am grown up, I will live in a big house and you will come and stay for 6 sleeps and then go back home to your own bed.
We then choose some biscuits together to take to our toddler group to share.
Everyone will be so happy that I really am PJ.
Today is a happy day, you say.
When we get home, you run to stroke the cat, Smudge.
You sit next to him and tell him that we are family now.
Smudge just stares but stays, obligingly, perhaps a little in shock.
Family.
We are a family now.
A very happy family, indeed.
Showing posts with label adoption journey emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption journey emotions. Show all posts
Monday, 5 August 2013
Saturday, 29 June 2013
Adoption Home Study Reflections - Summer 2011
After the affirming and fascinating 4 days of Preparation Group Training in April 2011, I began my home study preparation. I know that the home study assessment is changing with the upheaval of the adoption process, to have more emphasis on empowering the prospective adopters to drive this stage of the adoption process and hopefully make this part of the process faster - time will tell - but I hope that this post might be of some use to you, nonetheless.
I had 8 assessments home studies to complete, each week. They each followed a different theme - for example my own family history, previous and current relationships, work experiences, finances, my friends and support network, housing and local community, child and youth experiences and desire and approaches to parenting and potential adoption issues. I was given a page of questions for each of the topics to be covered each week and I then had to write my answers and email them across to my social worker each week a couple of days before our meeting up at home one evening after work each week.
It was hard work and thorough, as I spent most of my weekends on it and as you are reflecting quite deeply on your past and your values too it is also quite emotionally draining.
It took longer than 8 weeks as some weeks the sessions took more than one visit as they was so much to discuss and some weeks it was difficult to meet up each week with diaries or sickness or information gathering - writing down every place and worked and finding the right referees and building your support network map and your family tree - all took time.
all this ran alongside medicals, getting pets assessed by a vet, sorting out references, getting the house ready for all the health and safety checks and also building up a competency file - that filled an A4 file to capacity - the competency file took a while to complete as everything in it needed cross referencing to the competency they were looking for and the evidence - it was like doing a degree!
The biggest advice I can give is this - work hard, do as much as you can and be as honest and open as you can.
The urban myths are - the are out to get you - and they will dig and dig until they find something they don't like and then they will get up and leave.
The truth is, you need to work hard, be open and honest and a self aware as you can be and be committed to wanting to adopt. It is a learning curve for yourself too as you discover more about yourself and what makes you the person you are today and a chance to discover more about the kind of child you could - or could not - likely to parent as you face adoption.
I poured out my guts and heart and did as much soul searching and reflecting as I could and got others to help with all the practical things like fitting child locks!
My social worker and I started the first home study assessment in may 2011and had completed all the home study assessments by July 2011, leaving me the summer to get the room ready, the competency file completed and for my social worker to get all the references and all the paperwork completed and ready for approval panel.
We hoped to be ready for approval panel for September 2011.
I had 8 assessments home studies to complete, each week. They each followed a different theme - for example my own family history, previous and current relationships, work experiences, finances, my friends and support network, housing and local community, child and youth experiences and desire and approaches to parenting and potential adoption issues. I was given a page of questions for each of the topics to be covered each week and I then had to write my answers and email them across to my social worker each week a couple of days before our meeting up at home one evening after work each week.
It was hard work and thorough, as I spent most of my weekends on it and as you are reflecting quite deeply on your past and your values too it is also quite emotionally draining.
It took longer than 8 weeks as some weeks the sessions took more than one visit as they was so much to discuss and some weeks it was difficult to meet up each week with diaries or sickness or information gathering - writing down every place and worked and finding the right referees and building your support network map and your family tree - all took time.
all this ran alongside medicals, getting pets assessed by a vet, sorting out references, getting the house ready for all the health and safety checks and also building up a competency file - that filled an A4 file to capacity - the competency file took a while to complete as everything in it needed cross referencing to the competency they were looking for and the evidence - it was like doing a degree!
The biggest advice I can give is this - work hard, do as much as you can and be as honest and open as you can.
The urban myths are - the are out to get you - and they will dig and dig until they find something they don't like and then they will get up and leave.
The truth is, you need to work hard, be open and honest and a self aware as you can be and be committed to wanting to adopt. It is a learning curve for yourself too as you discover more about yourself and what makes you the person you are today and a chance to discover more about the kind of child you could - or could not - likely to parent as you face adoption.
I poured out my guts and heart and did as much soul searching and reflecting as I could and got others to help with all the practical things like fitting child locks!
My social worker and I started the first home study assessment in may 2011and had completed all the home study assessments by July 2011, leaving me the summer to get the room ready, the competency file completed and for my social worker to get all the references and all the paperwork completed and ready for approval panel.
We hoped to be ready for approval panel for September 2011.
Tuesday, 16 April 2013
It's In the bag!
I got the school I wanted in the bag!
It all went online at 12.30 am.
Would I stay up and click online at 12.30am and see where I had a place allocated? a friend asked.
No. I said, firmly.
Well..... as it happens.... PJ woke crying in the night at 4 am, then the cat woke up and thudded around the house, then I needed a wee and then felt wide awake, so went downstairs and made a cuppa.... and then, I remembered.... the news about the school places will be online.... by now.... I may as well look, now... after all, I am awake... and so is the cat... so we looked.
School preference number 1 allocated.
I have until the end of April to respond.
I already have.
With just one more click.
School place preference number 1 accepted.
Phew!
I am really pleased that the system has worked and we have a place without having to appeal or re-consider another preference allocation.
I told PJ the name of her school today and she smiled and said Aww. Then she told the cat. He said meow, which I hoped she didn't translate as: I already know I saw it online at 4am.
I told PJ that when we go to Nursery we will find out if some of the other boys and girls will be going to her big school too when she goes in September.
Very pleased and relieved for it to have all gone so smoothly.
Thank you local authority and admission system.
It all went online at 12.30 am.
Would I stay up and click online at 12.30am and see where I had a place allocated? a friend asked.
No. I said, firmly.
Well..... as it happens.... PJ woke crying in the night at 4 am, then the cat woke up and thudded around the house, then I needed a wee and then felt wide awake, so went downstairs and made a cuppa.... and then, I remembered.... the news about the school places will be online.... by now.... I may as well look, now... after all, I am awake... and so is the cat... so we looked.
School preference number 1 allocated.
I have until the end of April to respond.
I already have.
With just one more click.
School place preference number 1 accepted.
Phew!
I am really pleased that the system has worked and we have a place without having to appeal or re-consider another preference allocation.
I told PJ the name of her school today and she smiled and said Aww. Then she told the cat. He said meow, which I hoped she didn't translate as: I already know I saw it online at 4am.
I told PJ that when we go to Nursery we will find out if some of the other boys and girls will be going to her big school too when she goes in September.
Very pleased and relieved for it to have all gone so smoothly.
Thank you local authority and admission system.
Monday, 25 March 2013
Keys - Preparation Group - April 2011
some of the key things I really found helpful from the Preparation Group Training Days , apart from the amazing WALL experience I loved meeting the other adopters who came to share their stories and to tell it how it is, with their adoption experiences.
First up we had a newly made family who talked about building their support network and how it worked in reality. This was helpful for me, as they were a same sex couple and I was able to ask them about how they built in some role models of the opposite sex into their children's lives. I was curious as I was embarking on adoption as a single female adopter, so having some good male role models around for my child was an important consideration. They talked openly about how some of the female role models had been really helpful practically and others in reality it hadn't worked so well for them. I guess the difference between being a friend for you as an adult and those friend's who are great with your children. It isn't always the same, or naturally flow. I found all this very helpful and reassuring that I am OK as a person, whole and complete and that I have a great support network of fabulous friends that I have built up over many years. The tried and tested. The ones that have survived along with me this far.
We then we met their children. Very cute. They rolled around the floor, in their look at me aren't I a great performer mode, lapping up the encouragement, the affirmation and the attention we all gave to them. All this was going on in the middle of the floor of the room as each child took it in turns to show their Introductions book - the book the adoptive parents made for each child before they met them. I loved the creativity in the scrapbook style photo albums and it brought it all to life, again for me. It got my creative juices going and I wanted to go home and start on my Introductions book - straightaway! (too bad the course was continuing to 4.30pm)
Here, in the Introduction book we were being shown, were photos showing the 2x Dads, their house, the park, the school, the doctors and some family photos with messages saying things like "we are excited to be seeing you soon". They also had brought in the cuddly toys they gave to each child - they had taken photos of these toys around the house - a bit like a hide and seek - and the toys had little voice recordings in them, so the Dads could each record their voices in the toys - and the children could then hear their voices before they met them - I simply just loved this idea - and definitely wanted to copy that idea.
The other significant and key for me from the Preparation Group Training Days was one of the Mum's who came to talk about her support network. She shared about how her family - on both hers and her husbands sides of the family had been very anti them adopting and had written to local authorities and adoption agencies expressing their concerns, negative feelings towards adoption and particularly their opinions on them adopting and the shame and negative infiltration adopting would bring on the wider family. This for me, was both interesting and encouraging. I had some family and friends who had expressed concerns and opinions around adoption and me adopting, which I had found hard to work through and worried might affect my ability to be accepted to adopt. I had carried this fear with me into the Preparation Group Training - The urban myth that said everyone has to be in agreement for you to be able to adopt. This woman talked about how she had a fabulous group of girl friends with whom she laughed, cried, drank coffee and wine with regularly and that she had shared stories of how things had gine well and not well at all with family members for her and her husband since they had now successfully adopted their child. She shared how, since their adoption, things have been tense with their families and that whilst some headway had been made, she needed to still be protective of their child, so that if things weren't going well, or if further let downs occured or if negative thigs were said, they removed themselves from the situation. She made it clear that the needs of their child came first and if the other grown up members of the family were not able to behave like grown ups and acceopt their child, then they as parents would behave like grown ups and put their child first and the other family members would miss out.
The most profoud comment she made was this: If any of you here today have friends or family who are not in complete support of your plans to adopt or who have negative opinions of adoption, I would encourage you to surround yourself with those family and friends who are supportive. Protect yourself, laugh with them, cry with them and think of yourself and use your friends like a cushion to comfort you. They are your support network. Forget about the others who are not supportive at this time. They may or may not come round but your friends who support you are and will be with you along the way.
Another urban myth shattered.
Wise advice.
A significant key to hold onto, right there.
A lifeline to grab hold of with both hands.
My support network have laughed and cried with me and the tea, coffe, cake, shared food, wine, their company and their freindship have been a strong tower of support.
First up we had a newly made family who talked about building their support network and how it worked in reality. This was helpful for me, as they were a same sex couple and I was able to ask them about how they built in some role models of the opposite sex into their children's lives. I was curious as I was embarking on adoption as a single female adopter, so having some good male role models around for my child was an important consideration. They talked openly about how some of the female role models had been really helpful practically and others in reality it hadn't worked so well for them. I guess the difference between being a friend for you as an adult and those friend's who are great with your children. It isn't always the same, or naturally flow. I found all this very helpful and reassuring that I am OK as a person, whole and complete and that I have a great support network of fabulous friends that I have built up over many years. The tried and tested. The ones that have survived along with me this far.
We then we met their children. Very cute. They rolled around the floor, in their look at me aren't I a great performer mode, lapping up the encouragement, the affirmation and the attention we all gave to them. All this was going on in the middle of the floor of the room as each child took it in turns to show their Introductions book - the book the adoptive parents made for each child before they met them. I loved the creativity in the scrapbook style photo albums and it brought it all to life, again for me. It got my creative juices going and I wanted to go home and start on my Introductions book - straightaway! (too bad the course was continuing to 4.30pm)
Here, in the Introduction book we were being shown, were photos showing the 2x Dads, their house, the park, the school, the doctors and some family photos with messages saying things like "we are excited to be seeing you soon". They also had brought in the cuddly toys they gave to each child - they had taken photos of these toys around the house - a bit like a hide and seek - and the toys had little voice recordings in them, so the Dads could each record their voices in the toys - and the children could then hear their voices before they met them - I simply just loved this idea - and definitely wanted to copy that idea.
The other significant and key for me from the Preparation Group Training Days was one of the Mum's who came to talk about her support network. She shared about how her family - on both hers and her husbands sides of the family had been very anti them adopting and had written to local authorities and adoption agencies expressing their concerns, negative feelings towards adoption and particularly their opinions on them adopting and the shame and negative infiltration adopting would bring on the wider family. This for me, was both interesting and encouraging. I had some family and friends who had expressed concerns and opinions around adoption and me adopting, which I had found hard to work through and worried might affect my ability to be accepted to adopt. I had carried this fear with me into the Preparation Group Training - The urban myth that said everyone has to be in agreement for you to be able to adopt. This woman talked about how she had a fabulous group of girl friends with whom she laughed, cried, drank coffee and wine with regularly and that she had shared stories of how things had gine well and not well at all with family members for her and her husband since they had now successfully adopted their child. She shared how, since their adoption, things have been tense with their families and that whilst some headway had been made, she needed to still be protective of their child, so that if things weren't going well, or if further let downs occured or if negative thigs were said, they removed themselves from the situation. She made it clear that the needs of their child came first and if the other grown up members of the family were not able to behave like grown ups and acceopt their child, then they as parents would behave like grown ups and put their child first and the other family members would miss out.
The most profoud comment she made was this: If any of you here today have friends or family who are not in complete support of your plans to adopt or who have negative opinions of adoption, I would encourage you to surround yourself with those family and friends who are supportive. Protect yourself, laugh with them, cry with them and think of yourself and use your friends like a cushion to comfort you. They are your support network. Forget about the others who are not supportive at this time. They may or may not come round but your friends who support you are and will be with you along the way.
Another urban myth shattered.
Wise advice.
A significant key to hold onto, right there.
A lifeline to grab hold of with both hands.
My support network have laughed and cried with me and the tea, coffe, cake, shared food, wine, their company and their freindship have been a strong tower of support.
Friday, 22 March 2013
Q and A - Preparation Group - April 2011
This is one of my reflections from Preparation Group Training for Adoption that I did with Families That Last, an Adoption Agency in April 2011 and this post is part of the growing community of Adopters writing as part of the Weekly Adoption Shout Out.
Question: What did I find most useful from Preparation Group ?
Answer: For me, by far the most useful thing from the Preparation Group Training days was gaining understanding of some of the needs because of the developmental and emotional gaps for the adopted child.
This was fantastic for me. I have studied child development through my teacher training and my youth work training - but this was distinctly different. The visual illustration of THE WALL - made with bricks like mega blocks - was soooo visual and impacting. The wall was built with each layer providing the foundations and the subsequent layers of the child developmental milestones. We used stickers to represent each of the key ages and areas: love, needs met, stimulation, safety, security, play, stability, calm, socialising, nursery, school etc etc etc....
Alongside these bricks we looked at some case studies of children who had been neglected, abused, hospitalised, moved from foster care setting to foster care setting etc etc etc prior to being placed for Adoption.
In each case study, as we identified the various key bricks that were either just not there for the child, or the brick was being placed on top of a missing brick or bricks - such as: neglect - no food, left alone, health appointments not kept, or school not attended, moving house regularly, suffering physical abuse, emotional abuse with high levels of domestic violence and police calls and arrests.... etc etc etc
In practical terms and against what was historically thought, it is not enough to just put in place the new brick according to the child's age - or have as the new and visibly seen wall - the glossy theory that says - oh they will be OK as they are adopted now... it's a new start, they have been with you a year.... but for a child who has had no play experience or socialisation, missed nursery and playgroups, had no toys... the foundations are not there - simply adding the brick of going to school - will cause the brick to balance on thin air - and then to crash down in through the gaps.
Thankfully what has be realised now is that it is not enough to paper over the cracks, like wallpapering over poor plasterwork - but the bricks in the very foundations need to be inbuilt, embedded into the core foundations and to then be built upon from the very core: to be welcomed into the world and not rejected, to cry and have your needs of food and comfort met, to be loved and to have basic trust to be what you are meant to be - a baby.
I found this so impacting, as I reflected on my life as being adopted and the various foundational bricks my parents did instinctively embed in my life and as I thought about the broken and dysfunctional families I have worked with and as I faced adopting a child of my own.
I often think of the brick wall and the foundations that I need to embed and how stability is crucial for the foundations and resilience to survive and to thrive.
For me as a child, I was so aggressive at nursery school that I was expelled and didn't start school until I was 5. I was miserable throughout infant school, feeling cold and isolated and feeling in a bubble. My Mum worked hard at teaching me empathy, particularly, so that I could begin to understand how others were feeling even when I was still being the toughie and not feeling that pain myself, at all. My parents helped me try and try again with things like riding a bike or a musical instrument. When I failed some exams and had to re-sit and my boyfriend dumped me, I was upset and heartbroken but had by then more resilience to bounce back. I worked hard to pass the exam to get to Uni - and realised that the boyfriend wasn't worth me anyway!
I was so impacted by this and on reflection of my life too, hope to embed and build in resilience to PJ so that when hard times come in her life in the future that her whole world will not crash around her, causing her to fall through the gaps and land in the rubble of the foundations. Rather, I will support and cushion her falls, I will be that scaffolding for her as new bricks are placed in the foundation stones that are missing. We will continue to pour drinks and explore messy food like spaghetti or custard and jelly until we are secure enough to stop and to move on developmentally.
I will be working hard to fill in so many gaps that are missing.
I have some lovely and colourful bricks.
Let's get building.
Question: What did I find most useful from Preparation Group ?
Answer: For me, by far the most useful thing from the Preparation Group Training days was gaining understanding of some of the needs because of the developmental and emotional gaps for the adopted child.
This was fantastic for me. I have studied child development through my teacher training and my youth work training - but this was distinctly different. The visual illustration of THE WALL - made with bricks like mega blocks - was soooo visual and impacting. The wall was built with each layer providing the foundations and the subsequent layers of the child developmental milestones. We used stickers to represent each of the key ages and areas: love, needs met, stimulation, safety, security, play, stability, calm, socialising, nursery, school etc etc etc....
Alongside these bricks we looked at some case studies of children who had been neglected, abused, hospitalised, moved from foster care setting to foster care setting etc etc etc prior to being placed for Adoption.
In each case study, as we identified the various key bricks that were either just not there for the child, or the brick was being placed on top of a missing brick or bricks - such as: neglect - no food, left alone, health appointments not kept, or school not attended, moving house regularly, suffering physical abuse, emotional abuse with high levels of domestic violence and police calls and arrests.... etc etc etc
In practical terms and against what was historically thought, it is not enough to just put in place the new brick according to the child's age - or have as the new and visibly seen wall - the glossy theory that says - oh they will be OK as they are adopted now... it's a new start, they have been with you a year.... but for a child who has had no play experience or socialisation, missed nursery and playgroups, had no toys... the foundations are not there - simply adding the brick of going to school - will cause the brick to balance on thin air - and then to crash down in through the gaps.
Thankfully what has be realised now is that it is not enough to paper over the cracks, like wallpapering over poor plasterwork - but the bricks in the very foundations need to be inbuilt, embedded into the core foundations and to then be built upon from the very core: to be welcomed into the world and not rejected, to cry and have your needs of food and comfort met, to be loved and to have basic trust to be what you are meant to be - a baby.
I found this so impacting, as I reflected on my life as being adopted and the various foundational bricks my parents did instinctively embed in my life and as I thought about the broken and dysfunctional families I have worked with and as I faced adopting a child of my own.
I often think of the brick wall and the foundations that I need to embed and how stability is crucial for the foundations and resilience to survive and to thrive.
For me as a child, I was so aggressive at nursery school that I was expelled and didn't start school until I was 5. I was miserable throughout infant school, feeling cold and isolated and feeling in a bubble. My Mum worked hard at teaching me empathy, particularly, so that I could begin to understand how others were feeling even when I was still being the toughie and not feeling that pain myself, at all. My parents helped me try and try again with things like riding a bike or a musical instrument. When I failed some exams and had to re-sit and my boyfriend dumped me, I was upset and heartbroken but had by then more resilience to bounce back. I worked hard to pass the exam to get to Uni - and realised that the boyfriend wasn't worth me anyway!
I was so impacted by this and on reflection of my life too, hope to embed and build in resilience to PJ so that when hard times come in her life in the future that her whole world will not crash around her, causing her to fall through the gaps and land in the rubble of the foundations. Rather, I will support and cushion her falls, I will be that scaffolding for her as new bricks are placed in the foundation stones that are missing. We will continue to pour drinks and explore messy food like spaghetti or custard and jelly until we are secure enough to stop and to move on developmentally.
I will be working hard to fill in so many gaps that are missing.
I have some lovely and colourful bricks.
Let's get building.
Thursday, 21 March 2013
Preparation Group - April 2011
A week after My Decision To Be Brave I walked into Preparation Group. 4 days, spread out over 2 weeks and I was both excited and feeling nervous. There was no doubt that a lot of my anxieties were based on a foundation that still rocks, that says I am being judged and will not be good enough.
Failure to Thrive and Fear of Rejection are at the very core of my being. Intertwinned, locked together for strength and reliability, they lie dormant at times.
Waiting.
Then the strike comes.
A battle from deep within rages with swords waging as they rear their ugly heads. A battle of the war of wills I face it head on when potential new relationships are formed, I still have a tendancy to look at people and categorise them as either friend or foe, depending on whether they smile at me or not. I also face these fears head on when I talk about my past and fear or over anticipate their reactions and hvae the fear of rejection again when I am at an interview for a job. Remembering the interview panel naked technique never works very well for me. I see them as naked with machine guns. Really. Not a pretty sight!
Over timewith lots of investment from others and with age and growth, I have grown in my own confidence in myself and a growing belief and assurance in who I am. My Identity. I have learned skills and gathered trusted tools that I use automatically to help the fall out lessen and for me to sometimes slay a few of my demons and lessen the noise of skeletons rattling or monsters with green turned out toes emerging from cupboards.
Of course, not all my trusted tools I use are the best but they are ones that I have used and relied on, at times, for a lifetime.
Laughter and humour and being the life and soul of the party can be a mask from behind which I hide and pretend that I am OK. Agression and being defensive, bolshy and brash are a wall or a garage door that closes and surrounds me, locking me in secure, preserving my heart in a fridge so that I feel no pain. No one can hurt me from within here. Shut down and lock down. On the outside I am prickly and push others away. A hedgehog is too cute. Prickly dinosaur, maybe.
The labels of Premature Birth, Rejected, Abandoned, Adopted, Single, Divorced, Childless, Hoping to adopt are what I wear like medals of war. The reality is I am more than a survivor.
In place of the question marks of survival, the question mark of aabandonment, has been the huge eraser that over time has gently and firmly removed and lessened their grip and their hold on my life.
In place of failure to thrive is Life, thrive, survive.
In place of abandonment and rejection is love and welcome, acceptance, family, belonging.
Identity works hand in hand alongside the labels of premature birth, adopted, single, divorced.
They are part of who I am.
Me.
Rather than try and bury them, I embrace them.
I remember who I am. Me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am my own person, whole and complete, with many skills and life experiences all attached like strings to my bow, arrayed beautifully like useful tools in my toolbox of life. Deep treasure within. I am outgoing, friendly, skilled, qualified, experienced and will use all these skills to my best advantage. And I want to adopt. And I have been invited here.
Preparation Group, here I come.
I walk through the door and confront my inner fears of being single versus all the others being in a couple and hold my head high, remembering the many triumphs that have formed and shaped me into the woman I am today.
I was the only single adopter in the group but some of the other couples were really friendly. The group work sessions and times for coffee and lunch together were good for networking. I remember thinking at the time that this was my equivalent opportunity to make friends with other prospective adopters like my friends who have attended antenatal classes. This is it.
It didnt quite work out though, the building of friendships, sadly. Some dropped out after the first 2 days of the preparation group and the second wave of the preparation group for the following 2 days was with a completely different set of people. Again, all couples, who seemed quiet and not terribly chatty throughout the whole 2 days.
I wasn't worried. I was growing in the confidence that I was going theough this adoption process on my own and finding my own 2 feet and standing firmly in the affirmation of myself.
I can do this and I am doing this.
I did really enjoiy the 4 days of preparation group.
I learned some keys and some answers to some of my questions. Hoorah!
Failure to Thrive and Fear of Rejection are at the very core of my being. Intertwinned, locked together for strength and reliability, they lie dormant at times.
Waiting.
Then the strike comes.
A battle from deep within rages with swords waging as they rear their ugly heads. A battle of the war of wills I face it head on when potential new relationships are formed, I still have a tendancy to look at people and categorise them as either friend or foe, depending on whether they smile at me or not. I also face these fears head on when I talk about my past and fear or over anticipate their reactions and hvae the fear of rejection again when I am at an interview for a job. Remembering the interview panel naked technique never works very well for me. I see them as naked with machine guns. Really. Not a pretty sight!
Over timewith lots of investment from others and with age and growth, I have grown in my own confidence in myself and a growing belief and assurance in who I am. My Identity. I have learned skills and gathered trusted tools that I use automatically to help the fall out lessen and for me to sometimes slay a few of my demons and lessen the noise of skeletons rattling or monsters with green turned out toes emerging from cupboards.
Of course, not all my trusted tools I use are the best but they are ones that I have used and relied on, at times, for a lifetime.
Laughter and humour and being the life and soul of the party can be a mask from behind which I hide and pretend that I am OK. Agression and being defensive, bolshy and brash are a wall or a garage door that closes and surrounds me, locking me in secure, preserving my heart in a fridge so that I feel no pain. No one can hurt me from within here. Shut down and lock down. On the outside I am prickly and push others away. A hedgehog is too cute. Prickly dinosaur, maybe.
The labels of Premature Birth, Rejected, Abandoned, Adopted, Single, Divorced, Childless, Hoping to adopt are what I wear like medals of war. The reality is I am more than a survivor.
In place of the question marks of survival, the question mark of aabandonment, has been the huge eraser that over time has gently and firmly removed and lessened their grip and their hold on my life.
In place of failure to thrive is Life, thrive, survive.
In place of abandonment and rejection is love and welcome, acceptance, family, belonging.
Identity works hand in hand alongside the labels of premature birth, adopted, single, divorced.
They are part of who I am.
Me.
Rather than try and bury them, I embrace them.
I remember who I am. Me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am my own person, whole and complete, with many skills and life experiences all attached like strings to my bow, arrayed beautifully like useful tools in my toolbox of life. Deep treasure within. I am outgoing, friendly, skilled, qualified, experienced and will use all these skills to my best advantage. And I want to adopt. And I have been invited here.
Preparation Group, here I come.
I walk through the door and confront my inner fears of being single versus all the others being in a couple and hold my head high, remembering the many triumphs that have formed and shaped me into the woman I am today.
I was the only single adopter in the group but some of the other couples were really friendly. The group work sessions and times for coffee and lunch together were good for networking. I remember thinking at the time that this was my equivalent opportunity to make friends with other prospective adopters like my friends who have attended antenatal classes. This is it.
It didnt quite work out though, the building of friendships, sadly. Some dropped out after the first 2 days of the preparation group and the second wave of the preparation group for the following 2 days was with a completely different set of people. Again, all couples, who seemed quiet and not terribly chatty throughout the whole 2 days.
I wasn't worried. I was growing in the confidence that I was going theough this adoption process on my own and finding my own 2 feet and standing firmly in the affirmation of myself.
I can do this and I am doing this.
I did really enjoiy the 4 days of preparation group.
I learned some keys and some answers to some of my questions. Hoorah!
Thursday, 28 February 2013
#One Week - Winter 4
Snow!
*Fun, memories created and shared, redeeming what was lost and recovering some lost ground*
Here goes:
It's snowing, she called - and yes! The magical white carpet had be laid across the land.
Let's go and throw snowballs and go on my sledge, she said. My blue one.
I'm not sure you have a blue sledge, PJ.
I do, I do. It was at the foster carers.
I remembered seeing one at the foster carers but didn't remember one being here.
I looked in the shed.
NO SLEDGE.
I could sense the loss mingled with the excitement and anticipation of the snow.
Dressed in coat and hat and gloves and wellies, we went out and did our snow angels and threw snowballs in the park and purchased a NEW red sledge and slid it home, had a quick go on it and built our snowman in the garden.
Fun, memories, created there, in those moments.
I felt her sadness, her loss at there being no sledge in our shed. She hadn't come with one. Despite my logical reasoning and reassurance of "it must have been their sledge, PJ", I had grieved for her. I saw her look of disappointment. Another loss.
So, after the park, I saw a store selling a pile of red sledges and got one.
I felt I was clawing something back for her, redeeming something that was once lost, restoring a joy for her, in some small way.
The blanket of snow stayed overnight.
The next day was one of those profound, to be treasured moments, for me.
One of those recovering lost ground moments.
It has been hard these last few years, since embarking on our Adoption Journey, with some of the mixed opinions and feelings expressed with some of my closest family and friends. Just a few but it has been a turbulent and bumpy ride as we have sought to try and understand each other and to gain some common ground. Words have stung and cut deep wounds and relationships have been stretched and strained.
It has been a lonely and long Winter, with some of these friendships, where I have at times missed and longed for warmth and intimacy that their friendships had brought. There hasn't been the promise of Spring, just a hope that one day....maybe...
I've worked hard to remain true to myself and to maintain relationship. What became clear over time, was that our friendship and spending time together was important and valued. Around the time PJ was arriving, feelings, expectations and boundaries had been set, rigid, excluding, cold, heartless, it seemed and with it some distance created - and I felt the loss and the separation.
This was not what I imagined nfor how PJ and I would share our lives with them.
This was very different and not what I wanted but it was what they wanted and what they expressed they could cope with.
The outcast, conditional love, distanced, estranged, un loved, un welcome.
The separation of Adoption.
And so Winter has continued.
Cold, barren, empty.
Winter.
Imagine my joy, when the phone rang and we were asked to go round and to play in the snow,
PJ and I.
We went of course and together, we built a huge snowman.
There was laughter, hot chocolate and huge beaming smile on PJ's face as she was pulled around on the sledge around the garden.
Lost ground re-covered.
Pure, white, crisp, clean snow.
It has been a long Winter.
Winter has been harsh, with a bitter sting.
The snow has brought some cleansing, healing some of the past hurts.
Relationship building, slowly, with each snowball.
Friendship gathering momentum as the sledge travels along the snow.
Thank you, Winter Snow.
I will treasure the breakthough moment when the ice pick hit and broke the ice.
The ice that is now, slowly beginning to melt as love and joy seem to prevail and join hands, together.
I will treasure the memory of PJ's beamimg smile in the Winter snow.
The winesome smile that won some.
Big time.
The joy of breakthrough.
Spring, I feel is on it's way.
Wednesday, 30 January 2013
Brit Mums - My Tribute
I stumbled upon Brit Mums, perhaps by accident. Actually, I was rather delighted to find Brit Mums. You, whom I have admired and longed to be like for so many years, from a distance. For years I have longed to be a Mum, to be a Brit Mum. I have been to baby showers, Christenings, played with other friends and relatives children. I have run children's clubs, brithday parties and a Baby and Toddler Club. I have heard your stories of pregnancy,childbirth, breast feeding, postnatal depression and tried my best to listen - and to have some understanding. I have been on the other side of the playground in my job context and sat the other side of the table at parents evenings and joined round table meetings for those of you Mums in need of support through CAF or TAC or whatever name they, the governmet at the time, give these meetings and have supported you as best I can along the way, professionally. For years I have longed to be one of you. A Mum. A Brit Mum. You see, I have always wanted to be a Mum. Since I was about 6 I reckon. the combination of being a bridesmaid and having family members have cute and cuddly and funny babies of their own. I dressed my dolls and pushed them around the garden for hours, pretending to be a Mum. I had the garden chairs in a row and made a bus and put my dolls pushchair on the bus. I used an upside down cardboard box as a car and sat in it and drove my dolls around the garden too. Our long suffering cat was frequently dressed in dolls clothes and would lie on his back as he had his turn around the block on wheels too. Later, much later, as a grown woman I thought I would become a Mum. I had married and we planned on starting a family when I turned 30. Instead, at 30, the divorce papers were filed and my short lived marriage of 3 years ended, taking the dream of motherhood with it. At least for the time being. I was still young and had plenty of time to recover, rebuild and redream. The years went by and by and by until I became 45 and began pushing doors to become a Mum. I considered fostering but it seemed impossible as a single person and, besides, it didn't seem permament. I still dreamed of being a Mum. In 2010, I began exploring the idea of adoption. 2 years later, at 47 I became a Mum. A dream indeed fulfilled, hope that had been clung onto for so long. A child longed for. This is why I salute you all, Brit Mums and why I am proud to be a Brit Mum. At Last. I made it. I have joined you, Brit Mums. Our stories are all unique and are here to be heard and now, in my blog, here is my story. I have grabbed my badge and am wearing it with pride. Thank you.
Read other Brit Mums stories and join us by going to Brit Mums
Read other Brit Mums stories and join us by going to Brit Mums
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
Decision to be Brave
I spoke with my friends who were with me all the way, with the decision to try to adopt all on my own. Their support was - and continues to be - incredible and a real gift to me. They encouraged me to decide for myself. To be brave. My choice. My life. My time. My chance at happiness and to see a dream fulfilled.
I spoke to the Few and had some answers and some level of support. I spoke bluntly and as politely as I could, realising that this was an emotional roller coaster ride for us all. It didn't go well. I sobbed, at times, uncontrollably. At other times, I was more level headed and composed. I presented my heart on a plate. Hadn't they realised that this was what I always wanted? Didn't they think I could parent? Did they really think that Adoption was wrong? After all, they well knew the pain of my own divorce at the time we had planned to have children all those years ago and the heartbreak and disappointment the following years had brought with me not meeting the right man whilst everyone else gets on with their lives and have their children. After all, I had played with their children, they knew my career path - with all it's twists and turns, working with children for all these years. Did they not think I was good with children? Did they really have such negative feelings towards adoption? After all, I was adopted. Did they feel that about me too?
I was trying to find some of the answers to their reasons for being so anti me going down the path to adopt. Ironically, one who I was closest to, had encouraged me to push the door to considering fostering and to contact the local Authority for Adoption too. When my application was deferred they had still encouraged me to push the door with the Adoption Agencies. Maybe they thought the door would just close. maybe they didn't think I would push the door. I couldn't be responsible for their emotions or their responses and neither could I expect or guarantee their support. I wasn't prepared for a further bombardment of emotions, statements, stereotype responses and statements. Responses and statements from the very close to me, who knew me well, who were happily married, who were already parents. And who knew my story too. My story of longing to be a Mum, the heartbreak of divorce, the hopes I had for meeting the right man, having my own children.... didn't they realise? Didn't they understand?
Truth is, I don't think they did understand my thoughts or hopes or desires completely. I don't think they did think I should or could adopt. I don't think they realised what was going on themselves in their own emotions. The day spent with them to resolve the conflict hadn't gone well. I was facing this alone. Or so I thought. With or without their blessing. Or so it seemed.
A week before the Adoption Preparation group, they said they would support me. At least for this stage of the process.
I had no idea what that really meant.
I didn't feel like I had their support.
Not really.
Not at all.
How long this support would last and when it would end I had no idea.
I am not sure if I felt pleased or grateful for the support I had from them. But it was all I had. I couldn't make this support be more or make their opinioons or thoughts or beliefs or attitudes change. I also knew that I couldn't let the lack of support influence my decision.
I felt less angry, more hurt and heartbroken.
The decision.
This was about me.
Single but complete.
Standing on my own two feet.
The brave decision made.
The decision to be brave.
On my own.
Not out of spite or sheer bloodymindedness. A decision to be brave out of realising I am not a half person. I am me. Complete. unique. Whole. Just me. This is it. My chance. My time. My turn. Me.
Brave.
Maybe it had taken me all these years since my divorce to feel this inner strength of being brave on my own. My inner brave self. My inner strength.My inner confidence, to be me. Myself in entirety. Entirely me. Not brave on my own because I happen to be or have to be on my own - you know the lost limb, lost the other half chopped off. Somehow this was a different brave. Completeness, finally restored.
My decision to be brave helped me walk into the Adoption Preparation Group.
I spoke to the Few and had some answers and some level of support. I spoke bluntly and as politely as I could, realising that this was an emotional roller coaster ride for us all. It didn't go well. I sobbed, at times, uncontrollably. At other times, I was more level headed and composed. I presented my heart on a plate. Hadn't they realised that this was what I always wanted? Didn't they think I could parent? Did they really think that Adoption was wrong? After all, they well knew the pain of my own divorce at the time we had planned to have children all those years ago and the heartbreak and disappointment the following years had brought with me not meeting the right man whilst everyone else gets on with their lives and have their children. After all, I had played with their children, they knew my career path - with all it's twists and turns, working with children for all these years. Did they not think I was good with children? Did they really have such negative feelings towards adoption? After all, I was adopted. Did they feel that about me too?
I was trying to find some of the answers to their reasons for being so anti me going down the path to adopt. Ironically, one who I was closest to, had encouraged me to push the door to considering fostering and to contact the local Authority for Adoption too. When my application was deferred they had still encouraged me to push the door with the Adoption Agencies. Maybe they thought the door would just close. maybe they didn't think I would push the door. I couldn't be responsible for their emotions or their responses and neither could I expect or guarantee their support. I wasn't prepared for a further bombardment of emotions, statements, stereotype responses and statements. Responses and statements from the very close to me, who knew me well, who were happily married, who were already parents. And who knew my story too. My story of longing to be a Mum, the heartbreak of divorce, the hopes I had for meeting the right man, having my own children.... didn't they realise? Didn't they understand?
Truth is, I don't think they did understand my thoughts or hopes or desires completely. I don't think they did think I should or could adopt. I don't think they realised what was going on themselves in their own emotions. The day spent with them to resolve the conflict hadn't gone well. I was facing this alone. Or so I thought. With or without their blessing. Or so it seemed.
A week before the Adoption Preparation group, they said they would support me. At least for this stage of the process.
I had no idea what that really meant.
I didn't feel like I had their support.
Not really.
Not at all.
How long this support would last and when it would end I had no idea.
I am not sure if I felt pleased or grateful for the support I had from them. But it was all I had. I couldn't make this support be more or make their opinioons or thoughts or beliefs or attitudes change. I also knew that I couldn't let the lack of support influence my decision.
I felt less angry, more hurt and heartbroken.
The decision.
This was about me.
Single but complete.
Standing on my own two feet.
The brave decision made.
The decision to be brave.
On my own.
Not out of spite or sheer bloodymindedness. A decision to be brave out of realising I am not a half person. I am me. Complete. unique. Whole. Just me. This is it. My chance. My time. My turn. Me.
Brave.
Maybe it had taken me all these years since my divorce to feel this inner strength of being brave on my own. My inner brave self. My inner strength.My inner confidence, to be me. Myself in entirety. Entirely me. Not brave on my own because I happen to be or have to be on my own - you know the lost limb, lost the other half chopped off. Somehow this was a different brave. Completeness, finally restored.
My decision to be brave helped me walk into the Adoption Preparation Group.
Monday, 28 January 2013
One Day A Mum Dream
It's fair to say that after The Few had made their voices heard, it knocked me sideways for a while. Considerably. If I am honest. I had been shocked and surprised by their thoughts and responses. I did cry for weeks and yes I was angry at the cruel words that had stung in my face like ice. I wrestled with the reasons and tried to work out where was truth in this, if anywhere? I doubted and questioned my own confidence and my own capabilities. Could I parent - and on my own? Was I mad to contemplate this?
What would I do if.... scenarios played in my head.
What will I do when?
How will I?
Why?
As my own voice grew stronger, so did some of the answers to their questions and the seeds of doubt sewn, gradually dispelled.
I found my voice, the voice of One,which became less aggressive in my head - too - over the following weeks - as my own reasoning and deep beliefs and longings resurfaced and overtook the anger towards the voices of Few and the disappointment that had ensued.
It was true, I was hugely disappointed by some of the hurtful things that had been said. The words had left me feeling half a person.
Wounded and hurt, inadequate - and single.
And alone.
Loneliness swirled around me and swamped me.
Single and childless.
I had retirement to look forward to, I guess.
Giving up on this dream, the glimmer of hope, the first hurdle in this adoption process seemed wrong.
It would mean carrying on regardless - possibly without their blessing. Their blessing that might also mean their support - practically and emotionally. The reality of them not perhaps being involved in our lives was a harsh one to face.
Was I prepared to take the risk?
You hear of families and or friendships being lost over this kind of thing.
The rift. The fall out.
Where would that leave me?
Where would that leave them?
And what would life be like for a child if there was such a loss of friendship, or life with such disapproval?
I tried to talk with some friends and family over the next few weeks, leading up to the Adoption Preparation Group days. It wasn't easy. Not everything was easily resolved. I wasn't sure if time would be a healer or if having their blessing would happen. Not yet. Maybe never.
Could I do that?
Am I strong enough?
What are the repercussions of my choices?
After all, children need friends and family around them, don't they?
However, encouraged and cheered along by the voices of Many, who had encouraged and affirmed and re-affirmed me for who I was, who I am and the potential for who I will become.
I found my inner voice. I stood on my own two feet. I had wings. I wanted to fly. Or at least try.
The dream.
A Mum.
One day.
That was it.
I wanted to be a Mum one day.
The dream lived on.
My One Day A Mum Dream.
But would I be allowed to adopt on my own, especially if not everyone agreed ? Would the adoption agency have an issue with some friends and family not supporting me? Did my support need to be unanimous? Was this true or was it an urban myth?
I have some amazing : we are behind you all they way, friends and family. Is that enough?
Preparation Group loomed.
Would my dream be given a chance to be fulfilled?
What would I do if.... scenarios played in my head.
What will I do when?
How will I?
Why?
As my own voice grew stronger, so did some of the answers to their questions and the seeds of doubt sewn, gradually dispelled.
I found my voice, the voice of One,which became less aggressive in my head - too - over the following weeks - as my own reasoning and deep beliefs and longings resurfaced and overtook the anger towards the voices of Few and the disappointment that had ensued.
It was true, I was hugely disappointed by some of the hurtful things that had been said. The words had left me feeling half a person.
Wounded and hurt, inadequate - and single.
And alone.
Loneliness swirled around me and swamped me.
Single and childless.
I had retirement to look forward to, I guess.
Giving up on this dream, the glimmer of hope, the first hurdle in this adoption process seemed wrong.
It would mean carrying on regardless - possibly without their blessing. Their blessing that might also mean their support - practically and emotionally. The reality of them not perhaps being involved in our lives was a harsh one to face.
Was I prepared to take the risk?
You hear of families and or friendships being lost over this kind of thing.
The rift. The fall out.
Where would that leave me?
Where would that leave them?
And what would life be like for a child if there was such a loss of friendship, or life with such disapproval?
I tried to talk with some friends and family over the next few weeks, leading up to the Adoption Preparation Group days. It wasn't easy. Not everything was easily resolved. I wasn't sure if time would be a healer or if having their blessing would happen. Not yet. Maybe never.
Could I do that?
Am I strong enough?
What are the repercussions of my choices?
After all, children need friends and family around them, don't they?
However, encouraged and cheered along by the voices of Many, who had encouraged and affirmed and re-affirmed me for who I was, who I am and the potential for who I will become.
I found my inner voice. I stood on my own two feet. I had wings. I wanted to fly. Or at least try.
The dream.
A Mum.
One day.
That was it.
I wanted to be a Mum one day.
The dream lived on.
My One Day A Mum Dream.
But would I be allowed to adopt on my own, especially if not everyone agreed ? Would the adoption agency have an issue with some friends and family not supporting me? Did my support need to be unanimous? Was this true or was it an urban myth?
I have some amazing : we are behind you all they way, friends and family. Is that enough?
Preparation Group loomed.
Would my dream be given a chance to be fulfilled?
Thursday, 24 January 2013
Today
Today has mostly been about lots of me time.
I have absolutely loved it.
PJ has been at Nursery and I have for the first time since PJ arrived done some craft project stuff that I love: Scrap booking.
I also had lunch out with my sister which has been great too.
The last few months my potential me time days have been sabotaged by other things that seem to have crowed into my me space: you know, cleaning, ironing, sorting through the clothes, Christmas shopping, busy jobs that just need doing... you know the deal.
Paperwork, letter sorting - emails and phone calls to social workers that don't happen whilst PJ is with me as life with PJ is just too full on.
I've tried to do some parallel activities - here are your busy jobs with paper, notepad, file, bank leaflets and envelopes to use whilst Mummy does her busy jobs too.
It goes horribly wrong.
The phone goes and the wall gets scribbled on whilst I answer it, PJ wants to chat to the person on the other end of the phone - she would chat - and has chatted - to strangers on the phone!
Or my post ends up being scribbled on and filed under B-I-N and at very rapid speed.
A budding gifted administrator she may be, but I am not. I need to concentrate on what I am doing with my paperwork. So, I often use some of my me time to get some things sorted. In the last few months with the arrival of PJ I have been completely knackered in the evening. Bed time comes, she settles down and that's it - I am zonked.
Just like when you start a new job - which I kind of have as a new adoptive parent - boom it just swamps and hits you. The evening arrives and the tiredness kicks in and smacks you in the face.
The steam roller effect.
The other thing that creeps into your me time, I find, is the zillion meetings adoption generates.
Or that is how it seems, at times.
They sneak in, without you realising just how many you have had:
Health visitor, yours and her social worker, support meetings, LAC reviews, PEP meetings, phone calls, emails... it all adds up. Some of it is incredibly needed and supportive - but equally draining and tiring, at times - for me. Coffee and cake is what I find regenerates me, not a meeting per se.
I decided that this New Year, I am going to try really hard to do some of my old and very loved activities. I am 4 months in to my year of adoptive leave and had high hopes of having some me time to do some creative things.
Today, it actually happened.
Post and phone calls and busy jobs can wait.
Life as we have known it, is on hold.
Today is all about me.
Me time.
Today.
Today, I love you.
Today, when will I see you again?
I have absolutely loved it.
PJ has been at Nursery and I have for the first time since PJ arrived done some craft project stuff that I love: Scrap booking.
I also had lunch out with my sister which has been great too.
The last few months my potential me time days have been sabotaged by other things that seem to have crowed into my me space: you know, cleaning, ironing, sorting through the clothes, Christmas shopping, busy jobs that just need doing... you know the deal.
Paperwork, letter sorting - emails and phone calls to social workers that don't happen whilst PJ is with me as life with PJ is just too full on.
I've tried to do some parallel activities - here are your busy jobs with paper, notepad, file, bank leaflets and envelopes to use whilst Mummy does her busy jobs too.
It goes horribly wrong.
The phone goes and the wall gets scribbled on whilst I answer it, PJ wants to chat to the person on the other end of the phone - she would chat - and has chatted - to strangers on the phone!
Or my post ends up being scribbled on and filed under B-I-N and at very rapid speed.
A budding gifted administrator she may be, but I am not. I need to concentrate on what I am doing with my paperwork. So, I often use some of my me time to get some things sorted. In the last few months with the arrival of PJ I have been completely knackered in the evening. Bed time comes, she settles down and that's it - I am zonked.
Just like when you start a new job - which I kind of have as a new adoptive parent - boom it just swamps and hits you. The evening arrives and the tiredness kicks in and smacks you in the face.
The steam roller effect.
The other thing that creeps into your me time, I find, is the zillion meetings adoption generates.
Or that is how it seems, at times.
They sneak in, without you realising just how many you have had:
Health visitor, yours and her social worker, support meetings, LAC reviews, PEP meetings, phone calls, emails... it all adds up. Some of it is incredibly needed and supportive - but equally draining and tiring, at times - for me. Coffee and cake is what I find regenerates me, not a meeting per se.
I decided that this New Year, I am going to try really hard to do some of my old and very loved activities. I am 4 months in to my year of adoptive leave and had high hopes of having some me time to do some creative things.
Today, it actually happened.
Post and phone calls and busy jobs can wait.
Life as we have known it, is on hold.
Today is all about me.
Me time.
Today.
Today, I love you.
Today, when will I see you again?
Monday, 21 January 2013
The voice of Many
The Voice of Many came.
They cheered.
They applauded.
Fantastic they said.
Woo hoo they whooped.
So pleased for you.
Lucky them to have you as a Mum.
Well done you, this is what you are meant to do.
You will be a fantastic Mum.
We can't wait to meet them.
When will it happen?
We will help you.
Can't wait to play with them.
We will babysit.
We will come and sit with you in the evenings.
And drink wine and eat cake and drink tea and coffee.
You can phone us in the middle of the night and scream down the phone as us, when it is hard.
You will have such a fantastic time being a Mum.
This is so exciting.
I am so happy for you.
How long do we have to wait?
How long is the process?
You will sail through it.
Of course you will get through the process, you will be marvellous.
You have so much to offer.
I bet everyone is delighted.
?
What?
No!
Who isn't sure?
?
They said what?
Stuff them.
Stuff those other voices.
This is your life.
And what you have always wanted.
This is your time.
You will be fab.
We are here for you.
You can do this.
You are strong.
You are amazing.
You are very brave.
You are you.
They will come round, those other voices, you see.
And if they don't?
Well, their loss.
We are Many, and we are cheering you along the way.
Hoorah!
Yippeyahoodah!
What an exciting Adventure ahead!
And a small person to have forever at the end of it.
Just think...
Oooh.
I am so thankful for the Voice of Many who helped me through the times of questioning myself and who have been there for me throughout this process.
They cheered.
They applauded.
Fantastic they said.
Woo hoo they whooped.
So pleased for you.
Lucky them to have you as a Mum.
Well done you, this is what you are meant to do.
You will be a fantastic Mum.
We can't wait to meet them.
When will it happen?
We will help you.
Can't wait to play with them.
We will babysit.
We will come and sit with you in the evenings.
And drink wine and eat cake and drink tea and coffee.
You can phone us in the middle of the night and scream down the phone as us, when it is hard.
You will have such a fantastic time being a Mum.
This is so exciting.
I am so happy for you.
How long do we have to wait?
How long is the process?
You will sail through it.
Of course you will get through the process, you will be marvellous.
You have so much to offer.
I bet everyone is delighted.
?
What?
No!
Who isn't sure?
?
They said what?
Stuff them.
Stuff those other voices.
This is your life.
And what you have always wanted.
This is your time.
You will be fab.
We are here for you.
You can do this.
You are strong.
You are amazing.
You are very brave.
You are you.
They will come round, those other voices, you see.
And if they don't?
Well, their loss.
We are Many, and we are cheering you along the way.
Hoorah!
Yippeyahoodah!
What an exciting Adventure ahead!
And a small person to have forever at the end of it.
Just think...
Oooh.
I am so thankful for the Voice of Many who helped me through the times of questioning myself and who have been there for me throughout this process.
Saturday, 19 January 2013
The voice of One
The voice of One grew stronger and stronger over the ensuing weeks after the negative comments and reactions by a very few family and friends. It came through the tears that flowed as I went to sleep at night, rose in the morning, showered and drove to work.
My inner voice.
The voice of one.
The voice that began to unravel the knots that had entangled me. The voice that dug up the seeds of doubt that had been sown.
The questions that had been asked began to be answered in my head and heart.
I began speaking them out in bed, in the shower and as I drove to and from work.
How would I cope on my own? I don't know but i have been on my own for a long time and many many other people parent on their own.
Is the fear of the unknown a reason to not do something? Just because I am no0t sure of the future and what may or may not happen, is that a reason to not do this?
Why do I want to adopt? I have always wanted children and maybe this is the right way for me to have children.
Do I know what it is like to adopt? Well I am adopted myself so I have some experience - even though adoption is very different these days. Well not all of the issues are different. the roots of abandonment and rejection are the same and the feeling of being different and the desire for belonging are the same. Having worked with children in the care system and those with challenging behaviours and with social and emotional needs, I have some understanding, yes.
I knew that whilst I wouldn't quite know exactly what I was getting, I would have lots of background information about the child I was adopting, so it would be an informed choice. I also knew that whilst a birth child would be possibly unknown as in what would they look like, their personality, gender, I would see photos and learn a lot about my future child before I met them.
I would also be making a clear choice as to which child i would have and that the team of professionals surrounding me would also be a big part of this decision making process. I also knew that a birth child wouldn't be born clutching £50 notes and that a child I adopt also would arrive
with no money but they would come with their own possessions: clothes, toys.
Would I be able to afford it? No idea, but my finances would be looked into in ways that birth families would not be.
What will life be like when I am 70? I have no idea but I will probably be retired 2 years.
As for coming to terms with being single, it felt like a punishment. I felt that I was being judged or boxed into a tick box answer: the reason why I haven't got married and had children yet is because.... and the answer is: I haven't come to terms with being single. It felt like a stab in the heart. Especially from those few who voiced their concerns were all happily married and all had children of their own and all had married young. It seemed a sting in the tail.
The negative comments surrounding the principal of adoption were especially as I am adopted and they each knew that too, those who made these comments. Had they forgotten I am adopted? Did they feel this way about me? It was a painful time but I found my inner voice with a growing conviction.
I will push the door to adopt wide and with or without their blessing, however hard that may be, will continue to the next step.
As my inner voice became stronger, so did the ability to stand on my own 2 feet. Shakily, I got to my feet. I stood my ground.
I can do this.
I am not a half person.
I am me.
I am complete.
Besides, my own personal Christian faith was another inner strength. I wopuld continue to trust God for the outcome of this journey. Increasingly, I knew it was a journey I needed and wanted to do. My choice. I may always be single. I can do this. I can give this my best. i can be a fantastic Mum to someone very special who needs a Mum.
One fabulous parent must be better than one or 2 rubbish parent or parents.
the voice of Few had knocked me sideways.
The voice of one began to sing.
A beautiful song.
I had my own resilience.
I bounced back.
Raaaaar!
My inner voice.
The voice of one.
The voice that began to unravel the knots that had entangled me. The voice that dug up the seeds of doubt that had been sown.
The questions that had been asked began to be answered in my head and heart.
I began speaking them out in bed, in the shower and as I drove to and from work.
How would I cope on my own? I don't know but i have been on my own for a long time and many many other people parent on their own.
Is the fear of the unknown a reason to not do something? Just because I am no0t sure of the future and what may or may not happen, is that a reason to not do this?
Why do I want to adopt? I have always wanted children and maybe this is the right way for me to have children.
Do I know what it is like to adopt? Well I am adopted myself so I have some experience - even though adoption is very different these days. Well not all of the issues are different. the roots of abandonment and rejection are the same and the feeling of being different and the desire for belonging are the same. Having worked with children in the care system and those with challenging behaviours and with social and emotional needs, I have some understanding, yes.
I knew that whilst I wouldn't quite know exactly what I was getting, I would have lots of background information about the child I was adopting, so it would be an informed choice. I also knew that whilst a birth child would be possibly unknown as in what would they look like, their personality, gender, I would see photos and learn a lot about my future child before I met them.
I would also be making a clear choice as to which child i would have and that the team of professionals surrounding me would also be a big part of this decision making process. I also knew that a birth child wouldn't be born clutching £50 notes and that a child I adopt also would arrive
with no money but they would come with their own possessions: clothes, toys.
Would I be able to afford it? No idea, but my finances would be looked into in ways that birth families would not be.
What will life be like when I am 70? I have no idea but I will probably be retired 2 years.
As for coming to terms with being single, it felt like a punishment. I felt that I was being judged or boxed into a tick box answer: the reason why I haven't got married and had children yet is because.... and the answer is: I haven't come to terms with being single. It felt like a stab in the heart. Especially from those few who voiced their concerns were all happily married and all had children of their own and all had married young. It seemed a sting in the tail.
The negative comments surrounding the principal of adoption were especially as I am adopted and they each knew that too, those who made these comments. Had they forgotten I am adopted? Did they feel this way about me? It was a painful time but I found my inner voice with a growing conviction.
I will push the door to adopt wide and with or without their blessing, however hard that may be, will continue to the next step.
As my inner voice became stronger, so did the ability to stand on my own 2 feet. Shakily, I got to my feet. I stood my ground.
I can do this.
I am not a half person.
I am me.
I am complete.
Besides, my own personal Christian faith was another inner strength. I wopuld continue to trust God for the outcome of this journey. Increasingly, I knew it was a journey I needed and wanted to do. My choice. I may always be single. I can do this. I can give this my best. i can be a fantastic Mum to someone very special who needs a Mum.
One fabulous parent must be better than one or 2 rubbish parent or parents.
the voice of Few had knocked me sideways.
The voice of one began to sing.
A beautiful song.
I had my own resilience.
I bounced back.
Raaaaar!
Thursday, 17 January 2013
The voice of Few
Why would you want to Adopt?
The question came from a few very close friends and family. Just a few. Very few but they were very close to me.
I was dumbfounded.
I wasn't expecting it. The voice of a few seemed to come from nowhere - except for the fact I had just told them that I had been accepted by an Adoption Agency - but I was not expecting the responses I had from them, the few, at all. I was expecting hugs of delight and congratulations and phrases like: Oh, it is what you have always wanted and you will be a fabulous Mum.
That is the response I was expecting from them.
I thought they would be pleased.
Not everyone was pleased.
I hadn't prepared for this response.
The question of why. The rhetoric question it seemed.
The voice of Few.
The voice of few was extremely powerful and strong.
The question stopped me in my tracks. I was like a rabbit dazzled in the headlights.
Without waiting for a response, the questions, or rather statements, the negativity, continued to flow. Like a barrage the words flew, I was bombarded and overwhelmed. I felt attacked. I wasn't ready. I had no armour. With each statement I wanted to cry. I fought back the tears and waited for the questions, the statements, the negative comments to end.
You do realise that you won't get any choice, don't you. You will just be given a child and you won't be able to say no, you know.
How could you possibly parent a child. It's not easy you know. And on your own.
How will you mange?
Children need a Mum and a Dad.
You are single.
Have you ever really come to terms with being single? Really?
What on earth made you think of doing that?
Don't you realise what they will be like. You should go to one of those orphanage places and see them for yourself. Don't you realise what you will be getting?
Who will help you?
What will it be like when you are 70?
What if you are given a boy? What will you do?
When you adopt, you don't know what you are getting, you know.
You won't be given anything, you know, they won't come with anything.
Adopt? Why? Don't do it. What kind of man will take you on and a child?
Aren't you happy with your job? isn't that enough? You have always worked with children, so you don't need to adopt. Your job is satisfying enough, for you, surely.
The cruel and unkind words stung like ice and felt like a knife that pierced deep and was twisting as I flinched with pain with each statement.
I withdrew, speechless and ran and hid away from the voice of Few.
I thought they would be pleased.
I cried and sobbed for weeks.
The question came from a few very close friends and family. Just a few. Very few but they were very close to me.
I was dumbfounded.
I wasn't expecting it. The voice of a few seemed to come from nowhere - except for the fact I had just told them that I had been accepted by an Adoption Agency - but I was not expecting the responses I had from them, the few, at all. I was expecting hugs of delight and congratulations and phrases like: Oh, it is what you have always wanted and you will be a fabulous Mum.
That is the response I was expecting from them.
I thought they would be pleased.
Not everyone was pleased.
I hadn't prepared for this response.
The question of why. The rhetoric question it seemed.
The voice of Few.
The voice of few was extremely powerful and strong.
The question stopped me in my tracks. I was like a rabbit dazzled in the headlights.
Without waiting for a response, the questions, or rather statements, the negativity, continued to flow. Like a barrage the words flew, I was bombarded and overwhelmed. I felt attacked. I wasn't ready. I had no armour. With each statement I wanted to cry. I fought back the tears and waited for the questions, the statements, the negative comments to end.
You do realise that you won't get any choice, don't you. You will just be given a child and you won't be able to say no, you know.
How could you possibly parent a child. It's not easy you know. And on your own.
How will you mange?
Children need a Mum and a Dad.
You are single.
Have you ever really come to terms with being single? Really?
What on earth made you think of doing that?
Don't you realise what they will be like. You should go to one of those orphanage places and see them for yourself. Don't you realise what you will be getting?
Who will help you?
What will it be like when you are 70?
What if you are given a boy? What will you do?
When you adopt, you don't know what you are getting, you know.
You won't be given anything, you know, they won't come with anything.
Adopt? Why? Don't do it. What kind of man will take you on and a child?
Aren't you happy with your job? isn't that enough? You have always worked with children, so you don't need to adopt. Your job is satisfying enough, for you, surely.
The cruel and unkind words stung like ice and felt like a knife that pierced deep and was twisting as I flinched with pain with each statement.
I withdrew, speechless and ran and hid away from the voice of Few.
I thought they would be pleased.
I cried and sobbed for weeks.
Thursday, 10 January 2013
The Revolving Door September 2010
I tentatively looked at the Adoption website for my Local Authority. It said that you could consider becoming an adopter if you were single. After several months and sending off for an information pack and laying it to rest and then picking up the idea, I took the bull by the horns and pushed the door.
I knew that I wanted children.
I longed for family.
Maybe this is it.
Maybe the urban myth of me being too old to adopt, or the one that said you can't adopt if you are single or you can't adopt if you have a faith, or the one that said you can't adopt if you don't have a garden simply weren't true? These urban myths played over and over again in my head as being true and were convincing. Time was ticking. The time bomb of my mid 40's crisis happened. I frequently wept watching programmes like One Born Every Minute and have been known to boycott Wedding invites or Christenings over the years. I admit to having deleted some friends from FB at times when they have been over-gushing, I have felt, in their tales of their wonderful husbands or lots of photos of their baby photos and news of scans. My turn seemed to be a long time in coming. At these such times, their joy has been my pain.
Now, here I am.
At the crossroads.
The Revolving Door ahead.
I longed to be married and to have children but had finally begun to separate the desire to be married from the desire to have children. I can't change the desire to be married. I can't make that one happen.It may or may not happen. Ouch. Maybe I can change the desire to have children. Maybe. I have closed the door to fostering on my own at this time, so maybe Adoption is my Option? Artificial Insemination filled me with dread. The thought of it made me want to cross my legs. Firmly. Yes, I have thought of it. Many times. Many pub conversations with friends, over the years. No. AI is not for me.
I bet I'm too old for a baby and I bet they say no, I reminded myself once again but I filled in the on line form anyway and pressed send.
That was in the September 2010.
The Revolving Door of Adoption being an Option for me, was turning.
Slowly.
And I waited for a response.
I knew that I wanted children.
I longed for family.
Maybe this is it.
Maybe the urban myth of me being too old to adopt, or the one that said you can't adopt if you are single or you can't adopt if you have a faith, or the one that said you can't adopt if you don't have a garden simply weren't true? These urban myths played over and over again in my head as being true and were convincing. Time was ticking. The time bomb of my mid 40's crisis happened. I frequently wept watching programmes like One Born Every Minute and have been known to boycott Wedding invites or Christenings over the years. I admit to having deleted some friends from FB at times when they have been over-gushing, I have felt, in their tales of their wonderful husbands or lots of photos of their baby photos and news of scans. My turn seemed to be a long time in coming. At these such times, their joy has been my pain.
Now, here I am.
At the crossroads.
The Revolving Door ahead.
I longed to be married and to have children but had finally begun to separate the desire to be married from the desire to have children. I can't change the desire to be married. I can't make that one happen.It may or may not happen. Ouch. Maybe I can change the desire to have children. Maybe. I have closed the door to fostering on my own at this time, so maybe Adoption is my Option? Artificial Insemination filled me with dread. The thought of it made me want to cross my legs. Firmly. Yes, I have thought of it. Many times. Many pub conversations with friends, over the years. No. AI is not for me.
I bet I'm too old for a baby and I bet they say no, I reminded myself once again but I filled in the on line form anyway and pressed send.
That was in the September 2010.
The Revolving Door of Adoption being an Option for me, was turning.
Slowly.
And I waited for a response.
Saturday, 5 January 2013
Ticking Timebomb 2010
I have always had the desire to be a Mum and have always thought that I would adopt as well as having children naturally. I think since I was about 6 and playing with dolls and being a bridesmaid several times at an early age did it for me. That was it, my planned destiny in my heart and my hopes and dreams right then. The dream of course was to meet a man, get marrried and have lots of children. The dream. It was all so simple. Whilst I have always thought I would adopt, I had always thought that that I would have some of my own children first and then adopt. I had always considered being a Mum would be as a married woman, get pregnant, have children - a mix of boys and girls and adopt as well. My very short marriage ended devastatingly at the very time we had always said we would have children when I hit 30. When I did hit 30, ironically it seemed, instead of planning a pregnancy, divorce papers were filed. And yet I still dreamed and hoped. I dreamed of falling in love again and of being married and having children. There was hope for all of this to happen. There was still lots of time to have a family, wasn't there. Wasn't there? After many years of hoping and each new year or birthday thinking, well maybe this year.... Meeting men and either trusting them enough after the pain of one failed marriage to develop a new relationship, or for them to like me enought to want to form a new relationship it hasn't yet happened. The tick of time continued. Friends got married, some re-married, many got pregnant and have children and at many of these occasions there was often a sting in the tail for me. When will it be my turn? Surely it will be my turn next? When I was in my early 40's, I did a lot of soul searching and began to hear this loud ticking noise. What was that noise? Tick, tick. I realised that perhaps there would never be THE year for me to meet the man of my dreams and to have children of our own. I may meet someone special, I may not. Tick, tick, tick, the noise gets louder. My natural body clock was a ticking timebomb and as the years have come and gone, the tick has got louder and louder and the timebobmb has been ready and waiting, poised and ready. To explode. Over my head and from inside my body all at the same time.
I turn another year older.
Tick, Tick, Tick.
Boom.
The timebomb explodes.
I see things differently. Separation of the desire to be with a man and the desire to have children occurs as if orbiting through space and they become two seperate desires of time.
The timebomb explodes with the reality that I do not have time to naturally meet a man and get married and to get pregnant and have children of my own.
These desires are now separated and making their journey through time and space and are now desire and reality to realise.
Reality: I may or may not meet a lovely man to share my life with.
Desire: I want to be a Mum.
I realise: I still want to be a Mum.
I turn another year older.
Tick, Tick, Tick.
Boom.
The timebomb explodes.
I see things differently. Separation of the desire to be with a man and the desire to have children occurs as if orbiting through space and they become two seperate desires of time.
The timebomb explodes with the reality that I do not have time to naturally meet a man and get married and to get pregnant and have children of my own.
These desires are now separated and making their journey through time and space and are now desire and reality to realise.
Reality: I may or may not meet a lovely man to share my life with.
Desire: I want to be a Mum.
I realise: I still want to be a Mum.
Thursday, 3 January 2013
Reflections of Uncertainty in The Waiting for 2012
At the start of the New Year 2013, I can be forgiven for looking back over this last year and reflecting on the many changes that have occured.
This time a year ago, 2012, I was single and the certainty of becoming a Mum still seemed so very un-certain. I had been approved to be an adopter but there was still a minefield of paperwork and the family finding process in earnest was still several heartbeats away. It felt like an eternity, the waiting. It all seemed so very uncertain and so comepletely beyond my control. my life was in "their hands". Well, not my life literally but my future hope to be a Mum seemed to be in their hands.
The Adoption process with this agency has been almost 2 years, which for the UK, ticks all the current boxes in terms of the length of time for the whole process to take but that does not feel like a short and slick process when you are in it.
This last year it has been full of waiting, forms, waiting, questions, waiting, answers, searching and searching for the right child for me to parent, lists of possibles, decisions to be made, waiting, interviews, questions, waiting, decisions, waiting,waiting, preparing a room and preparing a heart, waiting,waiting, waiting, waiting, matching panel,waiting, decision maker's decision, relief, timing for meeting your child for the first time, introductions, and arrival home together have all happened in this last year.
The waiting and the feeling of uncertainty have, at times, been very hard indeed.
A year on and several hoops and hopes later, we are both home and looking forward to a new year ahead, with a whole different set of uncertainties ahead in our adventures.
The waiting and the uncertainty in the wait have taught me powerful things about myself and those around me who have inspired and supported me along the way.
The reflection of the wait is something quite beautiful to behold.
The change from uncertainty to certainty has been worth the wait indeed.
Apparently, only fools rush in.
This time a year ago, 2012, I was single and the certainty of becoming a Mum still seemed so very un-certain. I had been approved to be an adopter but there was still a minefield of paperwork and the family finding process in earnest was still several heartbeats away. It felt like an eternity, the waiting. It all seemed so very uncertain and so comepletely beyond my control. my life was in "their hands". Well, not my life literally but my future hope to be a Mum seemed to be in their hands.
The Adoption process with this agency has been almost 2 years, which for the UK, ticks all the current boxes in terms of the length of time for the whole process to take but that does not feel like a short and slick process when you are in it.
This last year it has been full of waiting, forms, waiting, questions, waiting, answers, searching and searching for the right child for me to parent, lists of possibles, decisions to be made, waiting, interviews, questions, waiting, decisions, waiting,waiting, preparing a room and preparing a heart, waiting,waiting, waiting, waiting, matching panel,waiting, decision maker's decision, relief, timing for meeting your child for the first time, introductions, and arrival home together have all happened in this last year.
The waiting and the feeling of uncertainty have, at times, been very hard indeed.
A year on and several hoops and hopes later, we are both home and looking forward to a new year ahead, with a whole different set of uncertainties ahead in our adventures.
The waiting and the uncertainty in the wait have taught me powerful things about myself and those around me who have inspired and supported me along the way.
The reflection of the wait is something quite beautiful to behold.
The change from uncertainty to certainty has been worth the wait indeed.
Apparently, only fools rush in.
Wednesday, 2 January 2013
A whole lot of New!
Happy Yew Year, Mummy! she squealed as she beamed with delight at the sparklers in the darkness on New Year's Eve. Our first New Year's Eve together. She has beamed with such delight on several of our firsts these last few months but particularly, I was reminded, when we first met this last Summer of 2012. Then, she was just 3 and wearing shorts and t shirt and it was "summer". She, opened the door and just beamed at me as she said: You are my New Mummy, aren't you? Yes I said, Would you like to come in? she asked. Yes, I said and went in. I went in to the front room with her foster carers and we played and I treasured this, our first meeting. A camera to take a photo, would have seemed most intrusive for this frst meeting between new Mummy and new daughter but the beaming smile I was greeted with I will never forget. I doubt a photo would have captured it. I will remember the moment for ever.
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