The Shallow or Deep Water Challenge

The article in the Guardian on name choices for prospective adopters and name changes for the adopted is there for all to read. I have to say I am saddened with the findings (or are they just opinion?) that prospective adopters are shallow - particularly surrounding name choice versus child to adopt.
Hmm.
I am not that shallow just to reply with my opinion of the author of the article - although I do find it sad, that it seems as if someone with these thoughts/findings/opinions of prospective adopters is part of a panel approving prospective adopters... but that is not for me to judge....

As a prospective adopter from a background in education, I have taught many children and associations over the years have been made amongst colleagues between children taught and names to avoid when choosing names for your child, friends have said that when choosing names for their child that they couldn't name their child blah as they taught blah and would therefore always be reminded of blah, as if the name goes with the character.
Well, we have all seen the episode of Only Fools and Horses, haven't we, when Damien is born and the association of a name and character is right there!
So, perhaps , everyone who has the privilege of naming a child, or pre-judging a child with a name, is guilty.
Hyacinth Bucket, would be another classic comedy example, that once again, we can all relate to, can't we? Or would that be making us all shallow?

Anyway, back to the shallow waters.
Prospective adopters do not have the privilege of naming a child.
Prospective adopters inherit a name, which  for the purpose of the article, seems to cause prospective adopters to dismiss a child from their glossy profiles to be wanted for adoption.
Shallow.

My story, as a single prospective adopter is this.
I had become a member of Be My Parent, prior to being approved, so that I could begin to look at children on line, to get a feel for profiles to learn more about the complex needs and issues described. It was heart wrenching.
I wanted them all, single children and sibling groups.
Shallow.

I will be honest, some names are hilarious... Eileen Dover, Paige Turner, to name a few polite ones - and when you add in your own existing family groups or even your surname, some names could just sound, well, unfortunate or the butt of many a playground joke or just rude - but to dismiss then because of a name? I am not sure. Might need counselling, or might need to realistically change a name because of the lethal name combination.
Call me Irma Shallow.....

After I was approved as a prospective adopter, I attended an exchange day - with around 40 local authorities - all with an exhibition stand - each with 100's and 100's and 100's of faces and faces and faces displayed on boards with their profiles printed for all there to see - each one silently and simultaneously excruciatingly calling and shouting, leaping up and down like Donkey in Shrek: pick me, pick me!
I couldn't pick them all.
I was only approved for one child.
One.
Just one.
Only one.
Shallow.

I came home from the exchange day with 60 profiles in my bag.
I had to look through them over the weekend and make a list of my top 10 possible profiles, before emailing my social worker with my top 4 - and she said she would follow up on 2 at a time.
Shallow.

I based my in initial top 10 from my agreed criteria that I had worked through with my social worker.
I plunged into deep waters to soul search and work out what kind of child I could parent.
I read and re-read through my 60 profiles that I just started with, before making my initial list.
I then spent hours reading and digesting a few 60 page chronology reports and complete child profiles on my initial possible profiles before I found the right child for me.

I didn't have a list of names that I had pre-conceived ideas for many years of naming my children in my dreams.
I didn't have a list of names that I would dismiss - well, perhaps the child with the same name as aunty so and so or your ex, could be complicated, or perhaps the Damien one would have haunted me for a while a la Only Fools and Horses style - but seriously, no - for me, the deep water challenge was never about the name - or the desire to change a name.

The challenge of choosing the right match for me was incredibly hard emotionally, for the guilt too, of the ones you have to simply say no to because you are approved for only one child. The hours too of looking through paperwork and deciding if you can realistically parent this child bore no resemblance to a name.

As an adopted person, my name was changed when I was adopted and it was hidden from me for many, many, years until I was brave enough to bring it out from the depths, when I filed for my adoption paperwork and actually, I have no attachment or belonging or identity to those original names but rather, for me a sense of completeness. Yes, they are a part of me. My connectedness, not hidden anymore. Names are part of our identity and belonging, yes. Our heritage too.

I am delighted to be giving my newly adopted daughter a middle name - which she loves too.
I have given it a lot of deep thought, too.

The challenge as a prospective adopter to parent an adopted child is to dive into deep and at times murky waters. It is never shallow.
I was never approved to be shallow.
And would never work as hard as I did over such a long tome, to be approved, to be simply shallow.

Please don't call me Shallow, or might just have to change my name.

Considering Adoption Agencies February 2011

I managed to pick myself up off the floor of my shattered dreams, fairly quickly. After all, I had already tried to make contact with 2 agencies. Surely, they would try and return my call or my enquiry form? Wouldn't they? One of them would?
Hmm. I left further messages with them both again and the 3rd Adoption agency I had details of, seemed to be a wrong number. I left it a few more days and then looked on line for this other agency. I left my number and to my complete surprise and by now disbelief, they called back!!!
A quick phone conversation and a date in the diary for someone to call round during the February school half term.  I was so excited!
The week seemed to fly by and soon it was half term.
I also managed, meanwhile, to play phone tig with the other 2 agencies but it wasn't looking hopeful to actually get to meet a social worker from them. One agency had sickness and the other no one got back to me for months!
The meeting with the Adoption Agency, Families That Last who help prosepective adopters find the right family, seemed positive. The social worker explained that Agencies find families for children who are deemed hard to place. What does that mean? I asked.
Hard to place children are children needing families nationally, where their local authority have been unable to find families for them.
The unwanted, the unloved, the discarded, I thought.
Children with special needs, those in larger sibling groups, older children, ethnicity, she said.
The upper age limit, currently, is a 45 year gap between adult and child she said.
Being single and adopting is possible as having a strong support network is what is needed.
The urban myths of being too old to adopt, you can't adopt if you are single, you can't adopt if you have a faith - such as Christian faith seemed to be dispelling their magical spell and their fierce grip they had had on me was loosening it's tight hold.
Some urban myths I had believed for a long time were exploding.
Freedom.
I could breathe again.
I really liked the sound of Families That Last. Afetr all, it is what I have always wanted. A Family That Lasts.
She left and said she would speak to her manager.
She phoned the next day.
It was a yes!
For this initial stage.
I would be invited to the next 4 days preparation group in April.
I wanted to dance around the room. I would have, except for the fact that I was holding on to the other end of the phone.
April was only 6 weeks away.
That didn't seem too long to wait.
I could do that.
I was on cloud 9.
Hope is rising...

Moderation Panel Result February 2011

Moderation Panel with the local authority must have met during January 2011.
It was the beginning of February before she phoned.
It was a no at this time.
Gutted.
Factor #1 Being Single. They have too many single people currently on their list.
Bummer. It felt like a slap in my face.
Factor #2 The goegraphical area of where I work conflict.
Ouch. You would have thought my profession within Education would have been a positive.
Factor #3 My age.
The slap in my face has a backhand slap. It hurt.
I've left it too late. I can't turn back time. I can't change my age.
Factor #4 They already have a list of approved prospective adopters, so they would offer to defer their consideration. Moderation Panel would be happy to re-consider me in 6 months time, in July. If successful, then I would be invited to their next preparation group in 10 months time, October 2011.
There were no guarentees that either my circumstances would have changed or their list of criteria would have changed.
It felt like the Revolving Door had turned out to be a swing door and had actually slammed shut in my face.
Thwack.
I was reeling.
It felt like a double whammy.
Single and childless.
The swing door swung.
Thwack, thwack.
The result wasn't what I expected. At all. I thougt they would welcome me with open arms but they didn't. Bummer.
I couldn't change being single and therefore being able to have a child of my own and I couldn't change their decision and I certainly couldn't change my age. And the ageometer seems to have arrived. In 6 months time and next Moderation panel, I would be 6 months older.
The swing door closed.... but what about if the door was a revolving door?
What about the adoption agencies?
Would they say no too?

Waiting for January 2011

Before the social worker from the local authority left, she said that it might be wise for me to push some doors with some Adoption Agencies. What are they I asked?
She said they might be more open to single people adopting, and my age - as I am older.
She also said that Agencies will look for children needing to be adopted nationally, whereas the local authority work with their lists of children needing adopting form withing their local authority. If I was taken on by an agency this would solve the issue of where I work, in the line of work I am in, being a conflict. As an agency works nationally, there also might be room for a few more prospective adopters given the need of children needing new families.
She left me details of 3 adoption agencies.
I made initial enquiries with 2 agencies and seemed to have a wrong number for the 3rd and put that one on the back burner, whilst I waited for news of the Moderation Panel.
Would hoop#1 of Moderation Panel from the Local Authority prove successful and lead to more hoops to go through towards adoption being my option to become a Mum, or would I be on a helter skeltzer ride with trying to find an adoption agency?
I wait with eager anticipation, for news.
My life seems on hold.
The wait until January 2011 seemed endless.

Initial Adoption Enquiry December 2010

Another birthday and still I hoped and waited.
They sent someone from the Local Authority regarding my initial Adoption query during the Christmas break.
An informal chat.
It would go to a Moderation Panel she said.
When is that, I asked, hoping it would be soon.
In January she said. If successful at Moderation Panel, I would be invited to their Preparation group. When would that be? I asked. March or April, she said but that is full, so probably Summer or October  2011. I nodded and thought: by then I will be another year older before I even start on this journey.
I tried to remain calm.
Preparation group is 4 days she said and is used to reach an agreement to whether you might be suitable to go to the next stage of several months of Assessment to be a Prospective Adopter. Assessment as a Prospective Adopter takes a further 6 months or so, she said.
My skills, experience and the fact that I have been adopted myself would work in my favour, she said.
Yay, this is positive, I thought.
She also said me being single would go against me. Factor#1 against.
She said they already have 4 single people on their books.
There is clearly a list, I thought, slightly crestfallen.
She said whilst my professional work, currently within Education, would be a positive string to my bow it would be seen as negative the geographical area where I worked. What? I said. She said that most of the children they have for adoption would be from around where I worked and this would therefore be seen as a conflicting of interest. Factor#2 against
Then she said that my age would be against me. Factor #3 against
(I am too late I told myself. Why have I left this so long, I cried, internally.)
Finally she said that they don't have many children available for adoption on their books, so it would be doubtful that they would take me on. Factor #4 against
I felt crushed and hope seemed a very dim and distant light in my dark tunnel of deep desire.
But what else am I to do?
I want to be a Mum.
It seemed as if before your potential Parenting skills, gifts, talents, expertise, housing, personality, finances etc are considered, your status was top of their list - in a somewhat hierarchical - and archaic - tick box kind of way. It seemed as if they had an unspoken limit on each category. The categories seemed to be: married,with a partner, single, gay, ethnicity.
So, Moderation Panel seemed to be the first hoop before form filling in could begin or any preparation group or training or assessment as a prospective adopter could begin.
This was beginning to feel like stumbling bocks rather than hoops to jump through.
1: positive factor and 4: factors against seemed a bit grim.
And that was before I have even got to Moderation Panel.
Was there anything else I could do?

The Revolving Door September 2010

I tentatively looked at the Adoption website for my Local Authority. It said that you could consider becoming an adopter if you were single. After several months and sending off for an information pack and laying it to rest and then picking up the idea, I took the bull by the horns and pushed the door.
I knew that I wanted children.
I longed for family.
Maybe this is it.
Maybe the urban myth of me being too old to adopt, or the one that said you can't adopt if you are single or you can't adopt if you have a faith, or the one that said you can't adopt if you don't have a garden simply weren't true? These urban myths played over and over again in my head as being true and were convincing. Time was ticking. The time bomb of my mid 40's crisis happened. I frequently wept watching programmes like One Born Every Minute and have been known to boycott Wedding invites or Christenings over the years. I admit to having deleted some friends from FB at times when they have been over-gushing, I have felt, in their tales of their wonderful husbands or lots of photos of their baby photos and news of scans. My turn seemed to be a long time in coming. At these such times, their joy has been my pain.
Now, here I am.
At the crossroads.
The Revolving Door ahead.
I longed to be married and to have children but had finally begun to separate the desire to be married from the desire to have children. I can't change the desire to be married. I can't make that one happen.It may or may not happen. Ouch. Maybe I can change the desire to have children. Maybe. I have closed the door to fostering on my own at this time, so maybe Adoption is my Option? Artificial Insemination filled me with dread. The thought of it made me want to cross my legs. Firmly. Yes, I have thought of it. Many times. Many pub conversations with friends, over the years. No. AI is not for me.
I bet I'm too old for a baby and I bet they say no, I reminded myself once again but I filled in the on line form anyway and pressed send.
That was in the September 2010.
The Revolving Door of Adoption being an Option for me, was turning.
Slowly.
And I waited for a response.