Preparing for Our First Day at Big School

Last year PJ talked about going to Big School, as she had had her pre-school boosters, so assumed that when she came to me that she would go straight to Big School but she has had another year of Nursery to do before she has actually started Big School.
And now, the time has come.
Big School Day.
Months of preparation, talking with professionals who have supported PJ and I this last year and lots of discussions with her new school.
I have purchased a million sets of school uniform, washed and labelled everything to within an inch of it's life and then a few weeks ago, we shopped for Big School shoes.
I booked an appointment - early in the day so the shop was quiet for a fitting - which really helped ease the experience for me and PJ and - probably - the assistant too!
For PJ, we have eased the idea of leaving Nursery and going to Big School.
PJ struggles with change and it is therefore likely she will regress with such a big move to school.
Indeed, after the 2nd visit to Big School, I noticed some signs of regression: disturbed sleep, tears, tantrums, wet pants.
I chatted with PJ lots and read books on starting school. We drove by her new school several times and stuck photos of her new school and her teachers in her special photo album.
I arranged with her class teacher, that we would continue sending in spare sets of clothes - just in case - and that she would bring in photos of PJ and I to help maintain a sense of connectedness. I spoke to her class teacher about PJ continuing to bring in her transitional object - who has a special job - to remind PJ that Mummy will be back soon.
The school had arranged for all the children to visit the school twice.
The Nursery also arranged for the small group of them all going to the same school to go and visit another time together.
I also then arranged for PJ and I to do a quiet walk through the school at the beginning of this week, before term started, just a few days before PJ was due to start school. This really helped, as we could see the playground, see her coat peg, remind her of where the toilets were, meet the teacher and teacher assistant again, see the gate where we would walk as we wouldn't be going through the main school reception area entrance on the first day of Big School - and this change could throw her - and we did all this in our new Big School uniform - as a practise - it all really helped pave the way for the big transition ahead.
Perhaps the most significant preparation has been the discussions around reassuring PJ. After the second visit to big school, I noticed a regression. I had a hunch and went with it - a nagging thought - what if PJ thinks that a move to big school also means a move to another new Mummy?
I said to PJ - You do realise that when you go to Big School, I will still be your Mummy, you are not going to another new Mummy. I am your Mummy now.
Oh, she said.
I fought back the tears and added: I will take you to big school and I will pick you up. You will still live here in our house with our cat, Smudge.
Oh, she said.
You see, just a short year ago, PJ had said goodbye to her Nursery and then had said goodbye to her foster carers and then come to live with me, her new Mummy. A short while later we started another new nursery.
Now, just a short year later, we talk about leaving Nursery and going to Big School.
PJ, had filled in the missing gaps and made the assumption that a more to big school must mean a move to a new mummy - after all, a year ago, it all meant just that.
This year, though, the move to Big School, is just that.
A move to Big School.
The preparation has been quite a process.
Ready or not, Our First Day at Big School has finally come.

It went really well.

School Transition Preparation

After 2 big school visits and an Information evening for parents, for the most part, that is the Introductions for PJ going to big school done.
The teacher will also make a visit to the various nurseries that this new reception year intake currently attend, if they attend one, to see the children in their current settings and there was an encouraged optional sign up sheet at the Information evening for parents to sign for a home visit by the class teacher or the teacher assistant to visit the children in their home setting during the afternoons of the first week of September.
Each child will have a buddy from year 6 in the school, who they will be linked to and they will get a postcard in the summer holidays to welcome them to their new big school.
Following the Information evening, parents are trying uniform on their children and making their selections and purchases and have the joys of naming everything with name labels within an inch of it's life to look forward to over the next few months - oh - and the trip to buy new school shoes to try and time perfectly with having the choice whilst not buying too soon that they feet are then too big for the shoes in September.

Bear with me, this will be my first experience at doing all of this, so wish me luck!

We have been given an All About Me book - presented to us parents at the parent Information evening which was complete with a photo of our children and named accordingly on the front cover and also an instant camera to take photos of what inspires us to share of our lives between now and the end of the summer holidays to take pictures of and for us to then compile it together on the pages to present it, complete, on the first day of big school in September.

Yikes!

This is all very exciting and for the normal, settled, secure child, this preparation for school is very good. Parents can talk about school and can help their child practise the getting dressed, fasten shoes, toilet themselves and wash their hands and use a tissue to wipe their own nose, alongside buying the new big school uniform and working on the All About Me book - and, for most children and families this will suffice.

Then there is PJ.
Where do we start with the All About Me book - and given that the book will be looked at in school by PJ, probably daily the teacher shared with all of us parents at the Information evening and is designed for themselves to have to share with peers, teachers, visitors etc. I suspect that this book will also be the springboard for their learning activities for the first term - the potential time bomb - for every adopted child - family, identity, life story, belonging, acceptance.

And then, there is PJ. There ain't no way we will be just turning up at school for the first day of big school, without some kind of further preparation for PJ or the school. Given that the centralised admissions team didn't pass on anything to the school, other than a name and a date of birth, I have already begun setting the ball in motion for as smooth a transition as is possible: hopefully it will all help us all.

So, I have met with the head, who is lovely and listened intently as I shared as best I could some of PJ's background, where we are at with the adoption process, her issues and challenges and some of the support and strategies we have in place so far.

I have arranged to meet her class teacher in a few weeks time - as all teacher's at this time are writing reports and have their current class to think of! I will try and outline some of the issues and strategies in greater detail for them to hopefully continue in the classroom to help maintain some consistency and parallels between home and school, so to ease the transition - if possible.

In addition to this, I am sending the school copies of the latest paperwork:
LAC review
PEP
nursery report
CAMHS referral and reports

What have I missed?

2nd Big School Visit

The second Big School Visit this week went well. PJ was a bit more reluctant to go this time but her protests were short lived. She did ask me to stay with her and even when she sat down on the carpet with the other children, she squidged over and made a space for me and patted the floor next to her and said - here you go Mummy.
I declined the offer and went to get her well loved toy that we use to remind her that I will be back from her Nursery bag and handed it to her. She obligingly took it and hugged it and I left her looking a bit bewildered.
This visit was again with half of her new classmates - and was once again for just an hour.
I had arranged to meet briefly with the class teacher, afterwards, to set a date in our diaries next month to update the class teacher on PJ and her positives and her challenges.
She said as we sat with diaries open: I take it that she is very strong willed.
Yes.
Tomorrow I meet with the head teacher to fill him in on some of PJ's background, issues, needs to help them as a school prepare for her arrival and hopefully help me prepare PJ more for school.
Any pointers for what might be useful to pass on to school or to ask for?
I've thought to ask for a photo of the head and the class teacher and to take one of the school so we can add it to her book to look through over the holidays but. any other ideas gratefully received

First Big School Visit

This week has seen us going to visit Big School for the first time together.
PJ has been so very, very, excited.
I can't believe that after all the preparation I have done in trying to find the right school for PJ and after the school admissions process, that the transition to big school is finally starting.
I began searching for schools as part of my competency file that I compiled ready for approval panel!
I can't believe that PJ, having gone through transition to Nursery since she came to me a few month as ago, now faces another transition: to Big School.
We keep talking about going to big school soon and I often tell PJ that in September we will be going to big school, hoping that as we go through the months of the year whilst chatting about where friends birthdays lie, that some semblance of time will take place for her.
I started talking about our first visit to big school the day before.
She stood on the bed the night before, on tippy toes with her arms out stretched above her head, saying: and in the morning I will be really, really big.
Being big for big school, sounds like a big plan to me, I thought.
In the morning, the first thing she called to me after she called out: Mummy, was - I am really big now, aren't I?
Then she paused for thought and added: but I'm still only a little girl, aren't I.
Yes, you are PJ.
You are big and brave, actually PJ.
In she walked, excitedly, to meet the teacher and sat down so well and sensibly with 15 other children, who would be her playmates for the next hour, and who will be part of her class in September.
The teacher looked on her list and asked PJ who she was, and then quietly added her "birth surname" -  I quickly and quietly interjected her new surname back to the teacher - as hopefully the adoption order will all be through by then, so it will be her legal name - the teacher asked if I wanted all her books to have that name on and I said yes - she has been using her new surname for everything except dentist and doctor since placement and gets distressed when she is called by her birth surname now.
I assumed that the teacher had made the connection and knew more.
But she didn't.
More on that later!
I had chatted with PJ about whether I would stay with her for the hour that she would be at big school, or whether I would leave her during this first visit. I told her the teacher would decide - rather than say that it would depend on whether she would cry or not!
As she sat with her peers, no one said a word.
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, said PJ to the teacher.
Can the Mummy's go now, please?
She meant me, particularly, I knew. Everyone else just thought she was being cute and was eager to get on and play!
We dutifully left our precious charges, at the teacher's dismissal and then all my fears kicked in.
Will she be OK without me?
Or will she become distressed or controlling?
Does the teacher know anything about her?
I went for a coffee armed with my mobile and returned at the given collection time.
Mummy, she said and beamed and ran to meet me.
Come and see my beautiful new room!
We went back in the classroom and had a quick look round together.
The teacher chatted to a few of us parents so I asked her if it would be easier for me to pass on to her PJ's PEP that is being written now, ready for our next LAC review.
Yes please, she said and I left, thinking, great. The system works.
Then at the Information evening for parents, the teacher came over to me and said she was sorry about not understanding what a PEP was but that she had done her research and wanted to start our conversation again. We shared a few brief sentences about me adopting PJ and agreed that after the next visit to Big School next week that the teacher and I will arrange to meet up again separately.
I asked if they had had any information passed on and they said that all they had were names and dates of birth.
So, we have a lot to catch up on!
I had assumed that the admissions team would have passed on all that was written as part of our school admission application... nope.
At least we have from now until the end of term to get up to speed with background, triggers, positives, areas of need.
One step at a time, for this process of transition to Big School to begin.
Deep breath...

It's In the bag!

I got the school I wanted in the bag!
It all went online at 12.30 am.
Would I stay up and click online at 12.30am and see where I had a place allocated? a friend asked.
No. I said, firmly.
Well..... as it happens.... PJ woke crying in the night at 4 am, then the cat woke up and thudded around the house, then I needed a wee and then felt wide awake, so went downstairs and made a cuppa.... and then, I remembered.... the news about the school places will be online.... by now.... I may as well look, now... after all, I am awake... and so is the cat... so we looked.
School preference number 1 allocated.
I have until the end of April to respond.
I already have.
With just one more click.
School place preference number 1 accepted.
Phew!
I am really pleased that the system has worked and we have a place without having to appeal or re-consider another preference allocation.
I told PJ the name of her school today and she smiled and said Aww. Then she told the cat. He said meow, which I hoped she didn't translate as: I already know I saw it online at 4am.
I told PJ that when we go to Nursery we will find out if some of the other boys and girls will be going to her big school too when she goes in September.
Very pleased and relieved for it to have all gone so smoothly.
Thank you local authority and admission system.

School Transition

Next week I will get to hear the news on which school from my preferences PJ will be allocated. Will she be allocated to the school of my first choice? Will she take precedence over the admissions numbers as she is LAC and probably newly adopted in September 2013 when she is due to start Reception?
I don't know.
I wait with bated breath.
All is still... and at times, not very calm.
I am told that the system is that my local authority will give me my preferred choice but I have heard and read some horror stories about the process of school admissions and the appeal process.
I have made my choice and filled in all the forms by the deadline of January 2013 and social workers have also written letters of support to go with the application.
And now we wait, for next week to see what happens and how well the transition to school goes. Big school. We have been talking about going to big school since PJ came last Summer.
She points to schools and says - I could go there, Mummy - I have to say - I have chosen a really lovely place but we need to wait and see which school you will go to when we find out if they say yes - not easy for a little girl who has anxieties and controlling behaviours - she has in her head picked her own school a million times - but the system doesn't allow us to begin to start the transition process until after mid April 2013.
It hasn't been an easy road to make my choice in the months before the applications were due in - my very local schools are large - around 350 - and I feel PJ will be lost at sea in such large school systems.  Larger schools, you are not on my list.
Other smaller local schools to where we live didn't have before and after school care on site - they either, walk to and from school to the before and after school club, or they go by minibus - both of which are too vague and transient for a child who is vulnerable, needs routine and structure to breed security - and also a child who as yet has no sense of danger or road sense! I crossed all those schools off the list. Sorry.
Some, I visited, ran a very tightly oiled ship, where all children not only wore uniform but seemed to all be in unison - fine of you want your child to go with the flow and for a child who will just slot in to a well established system - but not so great, I suspect for the vulnerable child who also needs to be their own unique person as well as belong to a school organism - something that grows with vibrancy and vitality - rather than just conforming and being stifled and coming out of a one size fits all,  mould. Likewise, well oiled schools with a hint of uniformity, you are not on my list.
Some schools I had suggested to me, were nigh impossible to get passed the receptionist.
We have already done 5 viewings, she said. We are very popular and we will be oversubscribed, she said.
Well, I couldn't be bothered to remind them that all the admissions selection was done centrally or wish to explain that as my child was looked after or would be newly adopted, they would take priority as I didn't feel that I really wanted to deal with a receptionist every school day who was so rude, opinionated or dismissive. Sorry rude and oversubscribed school, despite getting OFSTED Outstanding, you are also off my list.
I did look at many schools and ask around and collected many brochures before PJ came to me and again once she was with me.
I put down 2 schools.
The admissions form recommends parents put down 3 schools.
School choice number 1 is a small school, recommended by my boss as she has worked with the head. Small, nurturing, caring, with inclusion high on the agenda. I liked the head and the receptionist and they were both very calm in manner and friendly, when I visited the school. It is close to where PJ goes to Nursery which I hope will help her make some connections and there may well be some other wee friends from the Nursery transferring there too. It has before and after school care on site and is on my way to work and not far from where we live.
I put down where I work as my school number 2 choice. 2nd because I am not convinced PJ will adjust well to me working with other children and it might be best for both of us to have some independence. It is a fabulous school and very caring and nurturing, so it has been in my thoughts but hand on heart, I think it would be hard for us both to be in the same place. I would rather drop her off knowing she is in a safe and happy and caring school, where she can develop and grow and flourish and make friends and I can go and do my job and work hard and then pick her up at the end of our day.
So, we wait.
I am planning for the transition.
I am planning on returning to work and am working on a phased return initially to ease my way back in to work and up some of PJ's Nursery sessions this next term. This will hopefully prepare her for a little more social time at Nursery in preparation for doing 5 full days in September. I hope that by PJ being in Nursery for a few more sessions each week, this will lessen the separation anxiety that kicks in. I am hoping that planning a few Nursery retainer sessions in some of the long Summer holiday weeks will help maintain some sense of routine and structure for PJ and thus lessen the huge transition.
This is all running alongside our continuing getting up and getting dressed routine and getting ready earlier to leave the house. We have come a long way from the little girl screaming over every item of clothing and taking several hours to do this - don't plan on doing anything in the mornings, I was advised by her social workers and give yourself plenty of time when you need to leave the house at a certain time her foster carers had said.
We have a long way to go. Can she dress herself, a family member asks? No, I say. We have focused ion putting clothes on - clothes on herself would be too much to ask. We are working on it. Piece by piece. Gradually, slowly.
We are working on following instructions and practising listening skills - we run to certain places in the park and we work on some schedules and patterns to our days - and Nursery are working on so many other things for PJ and helping filling In several social and emotional gaps in her "wall" that are glaringly obvious and staring at us in the face in her EYFS Learning Journey from last term's parent's evening.
We have a long way to go before I will be dropping her off early at before school club and her looooong days in school for 5 days, that will relentlessly continue and then re-start after the weekend - for approximately 12 years.
Learning to sit still, to join in, to feel settled and calm enough to not run around in and on and under and through things. For PJ to feel secure enough that she will let go of control enough to allow another person - the adult - the teacher - to invest in her life. Being secure and happy with her peers to share and take turns without resorting to controlling others. These are a few of my transition to school concerns.
I hope the transition is planned well and that the visits to school start very soon and that they are often and help PJ get to school - every day, on time and for her to enjoy school - and for others to enjoy being with her in school - and for her to learn - A lot is at stake - the pressure is on - this transition is huge - Dear Local Authority, I hope you help me to make this transition work. For all our sakes.
School will be a big part of our lives for a long time.
Transition well.
Leaps and jumps won't work.
Smooth is what we need.
Acceptance and a welcome, would be nice.
Belonging.
Which school will it be, or will I need to appeal?
I will let you know.
As soon as I know.
A week to wait.

Understanding

Oh, to be a well from which our children and young people can drink! I read this article from The Teenage Whisperer about groups - fabulous and timely, with my thoughts focused on my seminar planning, on the importance in understanding the 1. In the article she talks about understanding the young people we are working with, so that they then can in turn flourish - we act as the well, the resource, from which they can drink. I loved the analogy.

The power of a leader or a teacher or support worker to make or break inclusion for a young person or a child - will they feel happy and safe and secure to stay and to join in or will they shut down in fear and flight mode and withdraw or will they go into fight mode and kick off? We, as parents, teachers, children and youth workers, support workers have the power to be that catalyst for change - to make the difference to the successful inclusion for the more vulnerable members of our groups. The power to make the difference between included or exclusion, to belong or to be lost. I encourage us all as parents, leaders, teachers to continue to listen, to gain insight by looking for the clues, to go with the hunches that can then help bring a child or a young person on the fringe, gather them in, along with all our skills and tools to include and support them so they can then lower their heightened anxiety, the flight or fight desire lessened and allow safety and belonging and team and family to take hold. Knowing welcome, acceptance and love is the foundation for the opportunity for a child or a young person to begin to grow and flourish. It's the "I get you", "I will listen, I am here", "I believe in you, I will give you a chance."

Many times, with PJ, I find myself saying audibly to her in her moments of distress: "It's OK, I am right here" It is usually followed by a hug and then, once calm we deal with the saying sorry for the hitting and the picking of the thrown toys. We then talk about what had led to this moment - perhaps that I had asked her to do something that she didn't want to do. In the early months, when PJ first came to me and still at key times now like change in routine or new situations, she becomes so quickly distressed, the rage, the heightened anxiety, flight and fear and fight had taken such a strong hold on her - there was no point in giving a warning or talking about a consequence at that point - If one was given, she would simply fail and have a consequence, which would just be unfair and there would be little value in doing it. If she was at school or in a children's club and they moved her name down for example as part of their "behaviour system", she would be oblivious. Her name could be moved down several times, yellow cards or red cards could be shown of given and she would probably throw them back, screaming. A warning of a consequence at this moment would be fruitless. she could be asked to leave your fabulous children's club or youth programme and threatened with not being able to come back the next week and these would be just empty threats. You may carry them out, of course, but she ain't hearing you. She is on the edge of a deep, dark chasm and needs a lifeline. On the brink, I gather her in. Often into my arms, in those moments. I hope, that by understanding her, by recognising that "in that moment" she is unable to de-escalate, she lacks the skills to calm herself down, she ain't hearing me talk to her, she is focused entirely on fight - she is hitting and kicking and throwing. I sometimes distance myself, very briefly, so I don't get hit again, make sure she is safe and stay close by and start the calming process. I hold and soothe, reassure, comfort until the meltdown subsides.
She is not abandoned, she is not alone, I am right there and will be there with her gently leading and calming her through this.

Understanding.
I want more of it.
I want others, those working with my child to understand.
She wants and needs and desperately yearns to be understood.
It's just that the heart cry often comes out as opting out, disengaging, refusing, challenging, pushing away.

Challenging Perceptions

I have had the amazing privilege of writing a short introduction to myself and my blog over at Anya's brilliant and welcoming blog for us Older Single Ladies who also happen to be a Mum. She blog's at Older Single Mum and her heart is to challenge some of the perceptions of single Mums - or should I say - the misconceptions of single parenting often portrayed by the media. She does this very well and also invites others to share their stories too. She contacted me and invited me to write something - so I did - you can read it here. As part of her own funny stories she also has many other inspiring ladies who have shared their Single Mum Stories - shattering a few more pre-conceived ideas. So, take a look at Older Single Mum and read more brilliant Older Single Mum's Stories. Thank you Anya. I am honoured to finally be an Older Single Mum - and especially to feature on your blog. It is great to have a growing network of other bloggers and to break yet more isolation that being single - and older - and a mum, can often bring. If you have found me through reading her blog, welcome and please say Hi!
This week I will be leading a seminar for child and youth workers on the theme of Inclusion and the provision for children and young people with Special Needs or Additional Needs within the clubs or programmes or activities they run. My heart will be to challenge a few perceptions and to encourage them to think out of the box, beyond the label - as well as to provide a platform for us to learn together and gain a deeper understanding of what each individual need is as well as seeing them develop and grow - without them just attending our group. For a long while I have taught in these contexts that we need to look after the quiet ones - you know the ones who will stand when everyone else is standing, the one who follows the others and site quietly during any sessions run - but they aren't actually getting the maximum they could from the programme. They need 1:1 support too, probably, at times. The answer equally for the ones quickly labelled as a "handful" or "naughty" or "awkward", is not to exclude them or ban them for the next week. They need boundaries, yes, but they also need an engaging programme and the opportunity to succeed - school may well not fit for them easily, and their home life may or may not be great - but lets do the best we can as leaders for them - and lead them - and not leave them behind or write them off once again as failures. So, yes, I hope to challenge a few perceptions - and misconceptions.
If I look at a few labels or statements spoken - that lead to perceptions that are held over my own life:
- premature - illegitimate ( as my medical records read) 
- not recommended for adoption ( as my adoptive paperwork reads)
- fostered, adopted,
- excluded from  nursery, miserable at infant school and most of primary school,
- known as awkward, feisty, loud, a challenge, daydreamer, strong willed, fat, clumsy, as a child.
- Divorced, single older Mum.
I am thankful to those children, my peers, who dared to persist in befriending me, the classmates who heard me singing in assembly when I was 12 and who encouraged me to sing in the choir as they thought I had a nice voice.
I am thankful to those youth leaders and one or 2 teachers that I particularly, remember who seemed to believe in me and who invested in my life. Those who within my community nurtured and who dared to think out of the box and give me a chance to succeed.
I am thankful to my parents who dared to take me on, welcoming me into their family and to adopt me and to raise me as their daughter, despite what my adoptive paperwork said and against the professionals advice. They loved me, relentlessly taught me and re-taught me, believed in me and shaped me into the person I am today.
Where would I be if some perceptions weren't challenged?
I am up for challenging some perceptions this week.
Are you?