The phone rang - it was PJ's social worker 25 minutes after the court hearing for the Adoption Order Hearing was scheduled. Congratulations! they said, It is all done!
Who is it? PJ asked and then asked if they were coming. No, not today, I said but added that they called with some very special news.
Can you tell me?
Yes, I can tell you.
It is very exciting. Every one really does say yes. You really are PJ and you will be forever. I really am your Mummy and will be forever. I will always be your Mummy and you will always be with me now.
Wow. That's amazing, you say.
I love my beautiful name, you say.
When I am a grown up, I won't be PJ anymore. If I get married. Well, yes, you might change your name if you get married, yes, but I will always be your Mummy.
When I am grown up, I will live in a big house and you will come and stay for 6 sleeps and then go back home to your own bed.
We then choose some biscuits together to take to our toddler group to share.
Everyone will be so happy that I really am PJ.
Today is a happy day, you say.
When we get home, you run to stroke the cat, Smudge.
You sit next to him and tell him that we are family now.
Smudge just stares but stays, obligingly, perhaps a little in shock.
Family.
We are a family now.
A very happy family, indeed.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Monday, 5 August 2013
Thursday, 1 August 2013
Summer Holidays with the Family
We are embarking on the long Summer Holidays, our first together, with our belts fastened and buckles tied. I have decided that with the transition to Big School being imminent, that I would maintain a level of consistency with PJ and so she would still go to Nursery for her usual Nursery days for the few days a week that she goes, throughout the usual 5 week summer break.
My method for this madness is to not break the routine I have fought so hard to create throughout this year, particularly in the areas of getting dressed and getting out of the house and also the routine of being used to having some days without Mummy, as we are about to embark on another change for PJ - the transition from Nursery to Big School.
I have told her, alongside all the visits to Big School, that she will still be living with me when she goes to Big School, that she won't be going to another new family. Oh, she said. She had clearly, and sadly, associated the talk of going to Big school with the move from her previous nursery being with a move to a new Mummy.
We will have some special days out and I have the flexibility to swap a nursery day or to pull her out of a nursery Day if I wanted to, whilst still maintaining some sense of continuity, consistency, routine, the familiar in amongst the hype of change that the school summer holidays brings.
We have days out planned with friends and family and friends coming to stay and we are going to friends to stay for a few overnight stays. I have also planned an indoor camping night which she is very excited about, too!
This summer, our first summer holidays together is not a time to rock the boat!
Day trip with some family, on a boat that was pulled along by a horse along the canal. A great day trip - almost relaxing - added to with the merriment of PJ yelling over the side of the boat excitedly to her cousins that she could see sharks!
My method for this madness is to not break the routine I have fought so hard to create throughout this year, particularly in the areas of getting dressed and getting out of the house and also the routine of being used to having some days without Mummy, as we are about to embark on another change for PJ - the transition from Nursery to Big School.
I have told her, alongside all the visits to Big School, that she will still be living with me when she goes to Big School, that she won't be going to another new family. Oh, she said. She had clearly, and sadly, associated the talk of going to Big school with the move from her previous nursery being with a move to a new Mummy.
We will have some special days out and I have the flexibility to swap a nursery day or to pull her out of a nursery Day if I wanted to, whilst still maintaining some sense of continuity, consistency, routine, the familiar in amongst the hype of change that the school summer holidays brings.
We have days out planned with friends and family and friends coming to stay and we are going to friends to stay for a few overnight stays. I have also planned an indoor camping night which she is very excited about, too!
This summer, our first summer holidays together is not a time to rock the boat!
Friday, 5 July 2013
Pets
Ahh, the chance to talk about our well loved cat, Smudge, for this weeks #WASO - The Weekly Adoption Shout Out - over at the Adoption Social. I love my cat - he is very gentle and loves to lie in the sun and be next to me on the sofa and he also loves being outdoors - and yes, he does hunt - and therefore brings me all sorts of treasures as presents for me. I have had him since he was a kitten and he has lived relatively peacefully with me for the last 3 years, being extremely tolerant of small children visiting, who have shrieked with delight at him, stroked him, and who have tweaked his whiskers when they can no longer contain their excitement - and he has sat obligingly, played hide and seek and peek a boo and jumped up high for his toys, with them all and loved it.
Then PJ arrived.
First came the visits and she shrieked with delight when she saw him and he sat next to her and let her stroke him. She had seen lots of photos of him in her Introductions book, so she was very excited to meet him. He just looked stunned. Before Introductions started, I had put a safety gate on her bedroom door as recommended, and to follow the same pattern in the foster home. When Introductions started and I saw how PJ was in the foster home and the layout of the house, I realised that it would be a great idea to have another safety gate fitted onto my bedroom - to keep my room as my room - and therefore provide a bolt hole for the cat.
I am sooo glad that I did!
Smudge is a very tolerant cat - and she is very excitable and changeable little girl.
They say she will learn empathy.
I work on it with her but it is a s-l-o-w process with some days of her being very gentle and loving towards him and other days where she is not at all.
I watch them like a hawk.
I model how to stroke the cat gently and use a soft voice to call his name.
We talk about what he likes and doesn't like.
Come here my lovely sweet boy she says and goes to give him a hug.
Then, moments later she pulls his tail, yanks his fur and picks him up and lugs him around as he finally meows and even hisses, occasionally at her.
She takes no notice.
Mostly he just stays limply in her arms as he is carried around, with an expression which seems to say, if I lay still, it will be over quickly.
Don't worry she says, I will just take you to my Mummy. It's OK, she says, gently.
Then, as he finally squirms and makes a bolt for it, breaking free, she growls and hisses at him and says Raaaah, making her hands like claws in the air towards him.
Occasionally, she has been as quick as him and I have intervened as he is half in the house and half out of the cat flap, as she has grabbed him by the tail.
Other times he will lie down next to her as she strokes him, purring.
Sometimes, she has sung him lullabies, and played her guitar to him and he has lain next to her, pretending to be asleep.
Several times, she has read him her story books and he seems to listen, attentively.
She tries to engage him in her play activities.
Would you like a cup of tea she asks him?
would you like and ice cream?
And gives them to him. Here you are Smudge, she says.
I think he understands.
She talks about him at nursery as if he is her little brother and sometimes this is a love hate relationship.
Once, in the early days of beginning to go to Nursery, PJ was really struggling to get in the car in anticipation of going to Nursery. No, not Nursery, she screams and cries. After half an hour of screams and cries and failed attempts and soothing and getting in the car, PJ sat on the front door step and howled. In desperation, I called for the cat. He came from over the fence and she seemed to calm. I suggested we take him with us in the car and said that she would go in her car seat and he would go in his car seat (cat box) next to her.
She, mercifully, calmed considerably and I got her safely into her car seat and gathered up the cat into his cat box and put him in the car and there was a few moments of calm, with the occasional sobs as the tears subsided, gradually.
We were halfway along the road to nursery, when PJ announces that she doesn't like Smudge in our family.
Meow, replies Smudge, immediately and loudly.
They both went quiet and I supressed my giggles until I finally got back home after successfully getting PJ to Nursery.
Yes, their friendship and bond is growing.
She watches him jump over the fence and waves him off in the mornings saying have a nice day at cat school.
She thinks he is very cheeky when he comes home with a present of a bird or a worm or a mouse.
Especially, if it coincides with one of our birthdays.
He buys her presents for birthdays and Christmas and she thinks he goes with his backpack to the shops and wonders if he always remembers to pay.
Of course we made cake and sang happy birthday to him for his birthday and buy him a new toy or some Smudge treats.
It is early days, for them both.
He really doesn't settle down until evening, when she has gone to bed.
He just knows that then all is calm and all is quiet.
Then he sleeps in heavenly peace.
Then PJ arrived.
First came the visits and she shrieked with delight when she saw him and he sat next to her and let her stroke him. She had seen lots of photos of him in her Introductions book, so she was very excited to meet him. He just looked stunned. Before Introductions started, I had put a safety gate on her bedroom door as recommended, and to follow the same pattern in the foster home. When Introductions started and I saw how PJ was in the foster home and the layout of the house, I realised that it would be a great idea to have another safety gate fitted onto my bedroom - to keep my room as my room - and therefore provide a bolt hole for the cat.
I am sooo glad that I did!
Smudge is a very tolerant cat - and she is very excitable and changeable little girl.
They say she will learn empathy.
I work on it with her but it is a s-l-o-w process with some days of her being very gentle and loving towards him and other days where she is not at all.
I watch them like a hawk.
I model how to stroke the cat gently and use a soft voice to call his name.
We talk about what he likes and doesn't like.
Come here my lovely sweet boy she says and goes to give him a hug.
Then, moments later she pulls his tail, yanks his fur and picks him up and lugs him around as he finally meows and even hisses, occasionally at her.
She takes no notice.
Mostly he just stays limply in her arms as he is carried around, with an expression which seems to say, if I lay still, it will be over quickly.
Don't worry she says, I will just take you to my Mummy. It's OK, she says, gently.
Then, as he finally squirms and makes a bolt for it, breaking free, she growls and hisses at him and says Raaaah, making her hands like claws in the air towards him.
Occasionally, she has been as quick as him and I have intervened as he is half in the house and half out of the cat flap, as she has grabbed him by the tail.
Other times he will lie down next to her as she strokes him, purring.
Sometimes, she has sung him lullabies, and played her guitar to him and he has lain next to her, pretending to be asleep.
Several times, she has read him her story books and he seems to listen, attentively.
She tries to engage him in her play activities.
Would you like a cup of tea she asks him?
would you like and ice cream?
And gives them to him. Here you are Smudge, she says.
I think he understands.
Once, in the early days of beginning to go to Nursery, PJ was really struggling to get in the car in anticipation of going to Nursery. No, not Nursery, she screams and cries. After half an hour of screams and cries and failed attempts and soothing and getting in the car, PJ sat on the front door step and howled. In desperation, I called for the cat. He came from over the fence and she seemed to calm. I suggested we take him with us in the car and said that she would go in her car seat and he would go in his car seat (cat box) next to her.
She, mercifully, calmed considerably and I got her safely into her car seat and gathered up the cat into his cat box and put him in the car and there was a few moments of calm, with the occasional sobs as the tears subsided, gradually.
We were halfway along the road to nursery, when PJ announces that she doesn't like Smudge in our family.
Meow, replies Smudge, immediately and loudly.
They both went quiet and I supressed my giggles until I finally got back home after successfully getting PJ to Nursery.
Yes, their friendship and bond is growing.
She watches him jump over the fence and waves him off in the mornings saying have a nice day at cat school.
She thinks he is very cheeky when he comes home with a present of a bird or a worm or a mouse.
Especially, if it coincides with one of our birthdays.
He buys her presents for birthdays and Christmas and she thinks he goes with his backpack to the shops and wonders if he always remembers to pay.
Of course we made cake and sang happy birthday to him for his birthday and buy him a new toy or some Smudge treats.
It is early days, for them both.
He really doesn't settle down until evening, when she has gone to bed.
He just knows that then all is calm and all is quiet.
Then he sleeps in heavenly peace.
Saturday, 25 May 2013
Precious Moments
This Weeks theme for the Adoption Shout Out #WASO is on Treasured Memories. For me, these are my precious moments to be treasured close to my heart - the things I have hoped and dreamed of and for and waited and waited for the fulfilment of being a Mum, a parent, of investing in and sharing life with another. A child. A daughter. Mine.
So, here are some of my firsts, my Precious Moments.
I couldn't resist it - on sooo many levels - added to my thoughts are that in this particular video - where the audience all sit as if wooden, as if missing it completely. Some people just don't get adoption, or think that we can have precious and treasured moments and attachments, do they?
So, here are some of my firsts, my Precious Moments.
- Being told yes by panel chair for approval.
- Seeing the profile photo of PJ for the first time.
- Getting the phone call of a yes from meeting PJ social workers and family finders.
- Preparing for PJ: Introduction book, decorating room, buying buggy and car seat.
- Getting cards and encouragements from friends.
- Getting the yes recommendation from matching panel.
- being asked if I wanted to go and meet PJ for the first time after our Planning Meeting.
- PJ opening the door to me and saying I am her new Mummy and asking if I wanted to go in and play.
- First visit home.
- Making a big mess with glitter and paint and the cat joining in, sitting down on it.
- Holding hands and walking, skipping and jumping together.
- The Christmas Nativity Play, when PJ was dressed as an angel and called from the stage: Mummy I need you and I went to her.
- Being called Mummy rather than Mummy and a first name added on.
- PJ saying: Mummy, I love you all by herself.
- PJ rolling in mud and loving it.
- The train ride.
- PJ sitting on my lap watching a DVD
- PJ smiling when we play hide and seek.
- PJ dancing and twirling in the lounge.
- Dancing in the lounge with our umbrellas.
- Going down the slide at the soft play.
- Cooking Basghetti Gamanese (Spaghetti Bolognese) and being told it is Belicious, with a beaming face sat opposite me all covered in sauce, as the plate is held up empty like a trophy, in triumph.
- Going to a wedding and PJ singing Happy Wedding Day to you - and everyone joining in.
- Saying grace before a meal with friends and PJ thanking God for her New Mummy.
- Running Mother and Daughter race at Nursery Sports Day.
- Saying goodnight at bedtime and telling PJ I love her and PJ saying I love you too Mum.
- Hearing Mamma, is it morning and are we going to Nursery, today? first thing in the morning.
- Baking cakes and sharing the icing and sprinkles.
- Changing batteries for PJ on her electric guitar and getting a hug and a thanks Mum.
- Celebrating Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day, shared joy, together.
I couldn't resist it - on sooo many levels - added to my thoughts are that in this particular video - where the audience all sit as if wooden, as if missing it completely. Some people just don't get adoption, or think that we can have precious and treasured moments and attachments, do they?
Monday, 20 May 2013
The Party Dress Code
We have had a few parties that we have been to these last few months with some of PJ's friends from Nursery. It has been lovely to see the beam on her face when I have shared the invitation with her, as she still can't read and the fun we have had choosing and geting a gift and card ready and then on the day told her that today is the day. Party day.
They have been in soft play type places with a chance to play and then food and then play again at the end before we go home.
With about 30 wee children from the Nursery.
My idea of hell.
And by the look and actions of PJ it has been her idea of hell too.
Party number one was within a few weeks of PJ arriving and it was with one of my friends children at one of these soft play areas, with friends she would later meet at Nursery, when she would start to go. She was still at the stage of really not wanting to wear socks at all - she doesn't wear socks, said her foster carer. I tried a little, aware that we would be fats approaching winter and the need for socks would happen but had mostly settled for shoes when we absolutely needed them - the choose your battles approach equals a win win.
We arrive. Excited and wearing an eclectic mix of clothes, jewellry, hat and handbag from her dressing up box and clip clop shoes. The news is broken to us that she would need to wear socks to go into the soft play area. I didn't even have a pair of socks with me!
A kind Mum went to her car and my friend and I tried telling PJ that she would need to wear socks.
She ran off into the soft play area, anyway, returning a few minutes later looking a bit sheepish and crestfallen. My friends husband had been trying to explain to her that she needed to wear socks.
She lay on the floor.
We showed her the pictures of the no bear feet and showed her the socks.
She ran off again and disappeared deep into the play area.
Again, she returned to us, sheepish, and it seemed that one of the staff and others had spoken to her and sent her out.
Socks worn.
Success!
Then the party food time came. A room set out with long tables with benches either side and all the children sat around and their parents was completely overwhelming for PJ.
Besides, when she is anxious, eating comes way down on the list.
Add the choice in her head of eat food with a room full of people or play, and play wins.
For several subsequent parties, PJ has struggled with sitting and staying in the room with the others for the food time. It has been too overwhelming for her.
I have found a quiet place on our own to sit with some food, instead and gradually at each party encouraged her to sit with the others a little more. It will take time but it is getting better each time we go.
As long as we keep being invited to parties...
You see, she can also hit others.
She is quite honest and comes to me, looking all sad and comes for a hug and then says: Mummy I pushed some children. They were in my way.
Sure enough, I hear the wails of said child as their parent seeks to comfort them and I reassure PJ that we can sort it out and say that we don't need to push but we can say excuse me for them to move out of the way, or wait for them to go first and then we can all play nicely. We then go together and say sorry to the child - and the parent - and play resumes.
Play resumes after PJ is calm and says sorry.
It is hit and miss - literally!
It all happens randomly and very quickly to the observer.
All playing nicely and then boom.
Sometimes I don't even see it and a parent comes to me and says: Just to let you know, your daughter has just hit my child.
Sometimes several children.
I am mortified.
Then I remember, I used to do the same.
Aggression and the hurting child. Push others away. Adoption and Aggression and random acts of spite can go hand in hand whilst the deep pain in our hearts have that searing pain until more healing comes. I used to hit and scratch and come home with blood pouring down my face from ballet class when I was 3, my Mum would say.
I need nerves of steel for this parenting at a party.
Sorry, I say and do my best to reassure the crying child and rescue PJ from the situation and do my best to try and resolve the situation and work on rebuilding relationships with both children and adults alike.
Some adults are more tricky than the children.
Sometimes I have more resilience myself to deal with it, than others.
I take a deep breath and clam and order is restored.
Armour is my new dress code.
Calm and confidence is my make up.
Sorry and grace is my perfume.
Peace, perseverance and patience are my sparkly and ridiculously high heeled shoes.
Other times my smile is knocked sideways and I wear my heart on my sleeve and want to cry.
I think nerves of steel need to be my new underwear. Forget magic pants.
They have been in soft play type places with a chance to play and then food and then play again at the end before we go home.
With about 30 wee children from the Nursery.
My idea of hell.
And by the look and actions of PJ it has been her idea of hell too.
Party number one was within a few weeks of PJ arriving and it was with one of my friends children at one of these soft play areas, with friends she would later meet at Nursery, when she would start to go. She was still at the stage of really not wanting to wear socks at all - she doesn't wear socks, said her foster carer. I tried a little, aware that we would be fats approaching winter and the need for socks would happen but had mostly settled for shoes when we absolutely needed them - the choose your battles approach equals a win win.
We arrive. Excited and wearing an eclectic mix of clothes, jewellry, hat and handbag from her dressing up box and clip clop shoes. The news is broken to us that she would need to wear socks to go into the soft play area. I didn't even have a pair of socks with me!
A kind Mum went to her car and my friend and I tried telling PJ that she would need to wear socks.
She ran off into the soft play area, anyway, returning a few minutes later looking a bit sheepish and crestfallen. My friends husband had been trying to explain to her that she needed to wear socks.
She lay on the floor.
We showed her the pictures of the no bear feet and showed her the socks.
She ran off again and disappeared deep into the play area.
Again, she returned to us, sheepish, and it seemed that one of the staff and others had spoken to her and sent her out.
Socks worn.
Success!
Then the party food time came. A room set out with long tables with benches either side and all the children sat around and their parents was completely overwhelming for PJ.
Besides, when she is anxious, eating comes way down on the list.
Add the choice in her head of eat food with a room full of people or play, and play wins.
For several subsequent parties, PJ has struggled with sitting and staying in the room with the others for the food time. It has been too overwhelming for her.
I have found a quiet place on our own to sit with some food, instead and gradually at each party encouraged her to sit with the others a little more. It will take time but it is getting better each time we go.
As long as we keep being invited to parties...
You see, she can also hit others.
She is quite honest and comes to me, looking all sad and comes for a hug and then says: Mummy I pushed some children. They were in my way.
Sure enough, I hear the wails of said child as their parent seeks to comfort them and I reassure PJ that we can sort it out and say that we don't need to push but we can say excuse me for them to move out of the way, or wait for them to go first and then we can all play nicely. We then go together and say sorry to the child - and the parent - and play resumes.
Play resumes after PJ is calm and says sorry.
It is hit and miss - literally!
It all happens randomly and very quickly to the observer.
All playing nicely and then boom.
Sometimes I don't even see it and a parent comes to me and says: Just to let you know, your daughter has just hit my child.
Sometimes several children.
I am mortified.
Then I remember, I used to do the same.
Aggression and the hurting child. Push others away. Adoption and Aggression and random acts of spite can go hand in hand whilst the deep pain in our hearts have that searing pain until more healing comes. I used to hit and scratch and come home with blood pouring down my face from ballet class when I was 3, my Mum would say.
I need nerves of steel for this parenting at a party.
Sorry, I say and do my best to reassure the crying child and rescue PJ from the situation and do my best to try and resolve the situation and work on rebuilding relationships with both children and adults alike.
Some adults are more tricky than the children.
Sometimes I have more resilience myself to deal with it, than others.
I take a deep breath and clam and order is restored.
Armour is my new dress code.
Calm and confidence is my make up.
Sorry and grace is my perfume.
Peace, perseverance and patience are my sparkly and ridiculously high heeled shoes.
Other times my smile is knocked sideways and I wear my heart on my sleeve and want to cry.
I think nerves of steel need to be my new underwear. Forget magic pants.
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