The phone rang - it was PJ's social worker 25 minutes after the court hearing for the Adoption Order Hearing was scheduled. Congratulations! they said, It is all done!
Who is it? PJ asked and then asked if they were coming. No, not today, I said but added that they called with some very special news.
Can you tell me?
Yes, I can tell you.
It is very exciting. Every one really does say yes. You really are PJ and you will be forever. I really am your Mummy and will be forever. I will always be your Mummy and you will always be with me now.
Wow. That's amazing, you say.
I love my beautiful name, you say.
When I am a grown up, I won't be PJ anymore. If I get married. Well, yes, you might change your name if you get married, yes, but I will always be your Mummy.
When I am grown up, I will live in a big house and you will come and stay for 6 sleeps and then go back home to your own bed.
We then choose some biscuits together to take to our toddler group to share.
Everyone will be so happy that I really am PJ.
Today is a happy day, you say.
When we get home, you run to stroke the cat, Smudge.
You sit next to him and tell him that we are family now.
Smudge just stares but stays, obligingly, perhaps a little in shock.
Family.
We are a family now.
A very happy family, indeed.
Showing posts with label Agency adoptions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Agency adoptions. Show all posts
Monday, 5 August 2013
Tuesday, 9 July 2013
The Shallow or Deep Water Challenge
The article in the Guardian on name choices for prospective adopters and name changes for the adopted is there for all to read. I have to say I am saddened with the findings (or are they just opinion?) that prospective adopters are shallow - particularly surrounding name choice versus child to adopt.
Hmm.
I am not that shallow just to reply with my opinion of the author of the article - although I do find it sad, that it seems as if someone with these thoughts/findings/opinions of prospective adopters is part of a panel approving prospective adopters... but that is not for me to judge....
As a prospective adopter from a background in education, I have taught many children and associations over the years have been made amongst colleagues between children taught and names to avoid when choosing names for your child, friends have said that when choosing names for their child that they couldn't name their child blah as they taught blah and would therefore always be reminded of blah, as if the name goes with the character.
Well, we have all seen the episode of Only Fools and Horses, haven't we, when Damien is born and the association of a name and character is right there!
So, perhaps , everyone who has the privilege of naming a child, or pre-judging a child with a name, is guilty.
Hyacinth Bucket, would be another classic comedy example, that once again, we can all relate to, can't we? Or would that be making us all shallow?
Anyway, back to the shallow waters.
Prospective adopters do not have the privilege of naming a child.
Prospective adopters inherit a name, which for the purpose of the article, seems to cause prospective adopters to dismiss a child from their glossy profiles to be wanted for adoption.
Shallow.
My story, as a single prospective adopter is this.
I had become a member of Be My Parent, prior to being approved, so that I could begin to look at children on line, to get a feel for profiles to learn more about the complex needs and issues described. It was heart wrenching.
I wanted them all, single children and sibling groups.
Shallow.
I will be honest, some names are hilarious... Eileen Dover, Paige Turner, to name a few polite ones - and when you add in your own existing family groups or even your surname, some names could just sound, well, unfortunate or the butt of many a playground joke or just rude - but to dismiss then because of a name? I am not sure. Might need counselling, or might need to realistically change a name because of the lethal name combination.
Call me Irma Shallow.....
After I was approved as a prospective adopter, I attended an exchange day - with around 40 local authorities - all with an exhibition stand - each with 100's and 100's and 100's of faces and faces and faces displayed on boards with their profiles printed for all there to see - each one silently and simultaneously excruciatingly calling and shouting, leaping up and down like Donkey in Shrek: pick me, pick me!
I couldn't pick them all.
I was only approved for one child.
One.
Just one.
Only one.
Shallow.
I came home from the exchange day with 60 profiles in my bag.
I had to look through them over the weekend and make a list of my top 10 possible profiles, before emailing my social worker with my top 4 - and she said she would follow up on 2 at a time.
Shallow.
I based my in initial top 10 from my agreed criteria that I had worked through with my social worker.
I plunged into deep waters to soul search and work out what kind of child I could parent.
I read and re-read through my 60 profiles that I just started with, before making my initial list.
I then spent hours reading and digesting a few 60 page chronology reports and complete child profiles on my initial possible profiles before I found the right child for me.
I didn't have a list of names that I had pre-conceived ideas for many years of naming my children in my dreams.
I didn't have a list of names that I would dismiss - well, perhaps the child with the same name as aunty so and so or your ex, could be complicated, or perhaps the Damien one would have haunted me for a while a la Only Fools and Horses style - but seriously, no - for me, the deep water challenge was never about the name - or the desire to change a name.
The challenge of choosing the right match for me was incredibly hard emotionally, for the guilt too, of the ones you have to simply say no to because you are approved for only one child. The hours too of looking through paperwork and deciding if you can realistically parent this child bore no resemblance to a name.
As an adopted person, my name was changed when I was adopted and it was hidden from me for many, many, years until I was brave enough to bring it out from the depths, when I filed for my adoption paperwork and actually, I have no attachment or belonging or identity to those original names but rather, for me a sense of completeness. Yes, they are a part of me. My connectedness, not hidden anymore. Names are part of our identity and belonging, yes. Our heritage too.
I am delighted to be giving my newly adopted daughter a middle name - which she loves too.
I have given it a lot of deep thought, too.
The challenge as a prospective adopter to parent an adopted child is to dive into deep and at times murky waters. It is never shallow.
I was never approved to be shallow.
And would never work as hard as I did over such a long tome, to be approved, to be simply shallow.
Please don't call me Shallow, or might just have to change my name.
Hmm.
I am not that shallow just to reply with my opinion of the author of the article - although I do find it sad, that it seems as if someone with these thoughts/findings/opinions of prospective adopters is part of a panel approving prospective adopters... but that is not for me to judge....
As a prospective adopter from a background in education, I have taught many children and associations over the years have been made amongst colleagues between children taught and names to avoid when choosing names for your child, friends have said that when choosing names for their child that they couldn't name their child blah as they taught blah and would therefore always be reminded of blah, as if the name goes with the character.
Well, we have all seen the episode of Only Fools and Horses, haven't we, when Damien is born and the association of a name and character is right there!
So, perhaps , everyone who has the privilege of naming a child, or pre-judging a child with a name, is guilty.
Hyacinth Bucket, would be another classic comedy example, that once again, we can all relate to, can't we? Or would that be making us all shallow?
Anyway, back to the shallow waters.
Prospective adopters do not have the privilege of naming a child.
Prospective adopters inherit a name, which for the purpose of the article, seems to cause prospective adopters to dismiss a child from their glossy profiles to be wanted for adoption.
Shallow.
My story, as a single prospective adopter is this.
I had become a member of Be My Parent, prior to being approved, so that I could begin to look at children on line, to get a feel for profiles to learn more about the complex needs and issues described. It was heart wrenching.
I wanted them all, single children and sibling groups.
Shallow.
I will be honest, some names are hilarious... Eileen Dover, Paige Turner, to name a few polite ones - and when you add in your own existing family groups or even your surname, some names could just sound, well, unfortunate or the butt of many a playground joke or just rude - but to dismiss then because of a name? I am not sure. Might need counselling, or might need to realistically change a name because of the lethal name combination.
Call me Irma Shallow.....
After I was approved as a prospective adopter, I attended an exchange day - with around 40 local authorities - all with an exhibition stand - each with 100's and 100's and 100's of faces and faces and faces displayed on boards with their profiles printed for all there to see - each one silently and simultaneously excruciatingly calling and shouting, leaping up and down like Donkey in Shrek: pick me, pick me!
I couldn't pick them all.
I was only approved for one child.
One.
Just one.
Only one.
Shallow.
I came home from the exchange day with 60 profiles in my bag.
I had to look through them over the weekend and make a list of my top 10 possible profiles, before emailing my social worker with my top 4 - and she said she would follow up on 2 at a time.
Shallow.
I based my in initial top 10 from my agreed criteria that I had worked through with my social worker.
I plunged into deep waters to soul search and work out what kind of child I could parent.
I read and re-read through my 60 profiles that I just started with, before making my initial list.
I then spent hours reading and digesting a few 60 page chronology reports and complete child profiles on my initial possible profiles before I found the right child for me.
I didn't have a list of names that I had pre-conceived ideas for many years of naming my children in my dreams.
I didn't have a list of names that I would dismiss - well, perhaps the child with the same name as aunty so and so or your ex, could be complicated, or perhaps the Damien one would have haunted me for a while a la Only Fools and Horses style - but seriously, no - for me, the deep water challenge was never about the name - or the desire to change a name.
The challenge of choosing the right match for me was incredibly hard emotionally, for the guilt too, of the ones you have to simply say no to because you are approved for only one child. The hours too of looking through paperwork and deciding if you can realistically parent this child bore no resemblance to a name.
As an adopted person, my name was changed when I was adopted and it was hidden from me for many, many, years until I was brave enough to bring it out from the depths, when I filed for my adoption paperwork and actually, I have no attachment or belonging or identity to those original names but rather, for me a sense of completeness. Yes, they are a part of me. My connectedness, not hidden anymore. Names are part of our identity and belonging, yes. Our heritage too.
I am delighted to be giving my newly adopted daughter a middle name - which she loves too.
I have given it a lot of deep thought, too.
The challenge as a prospective adopter to parent an adopted child is to dive into deep and at times murky waters. It is never shallow.
I was never approved to be shallow.
And would never work as hard as I did over such a long tome, to be approved, to be simply shallow.
Please don't call me Shallow, or might just have to change my name.
Saturday, 29 June 2013
Adoption Home Study Reflections - Summer 2011
After the affirming and fascinating 4 days of Preparation Group Training in April 2011, I began my home study preparation. I know that the home study assessment is changing with the upheaval of the adoption process, to have more emphasis on empowering the prospective adopters to drive this stage of the adoption process and hopefully make this part of the process faster - time will tell - but I hope that this post might be of some use to you, nonetheless.
I had 8 assessments home studies to complete, each week. They each followed a different theme - for example my own family history, previous and current relationships, work experiences, finances, my friends and support network, housing and local community, child and youth experiences and desire and approaches to parenting and potential adoption issues. I was given a page of questions for each of the topics to be covered each week and I then had to write my answers and email them across to my social worker each week a couple of days before our meeting up at home one evening after work each week.
It was hard work and thorough, as I spent most of my weekends on it and as you are reflecting quite deeply on your past and your values too it is also quite emotionally draining.
It took longer than 8 weeks as some weeks the sessions took more than one visit as they was so much to discuss and some weeks it was difficult to meet up each week with diaries or sickness or information gathering - writing down every place and worked and finding the right referees and building your support network map and your family tree - all took time.
all this ran alongside medicals, getting pets assessed by a vet, sorting out references, getting the house ready for all the health and safety checks and also building up a competency file - that filled an A4 file to capacity - the competency file took a while to complete as everything in it needed cross referencing to the competency they were looking for and the evidence - it was like doing a degree!
The biggest advice I can give is this - work hard, do as much as you can and be as honest and open as you can.
The urban myths are - the are out to get you - and they will dig and dig until they find something they don't like and then they will get up and leave.
The truth is, you need to work hard, be open and honest and a self aware as you can be and be committed to wanting to adopt. It is a learning curve for yourself too as you discover more about yourself and what makes you the person you are today and a chance to discover more about the kind of child you could - or could not - likely to parent as you face adoption.
I poured out my guts and heart and did as much soul searching and reflecting as I could and got others to help with all the practical things like fitting child locks!
My social worker and I started the first home study assessment in may 2011and had completed all the home study assessments by July 2011, leaving me the summer to get the room ready, the competency file completed and for my social worker to get all the references and all the paperwork completed and ready for approval panel.
We hoped to be ready for approval panel for September 2011.
I had 8 assessments home studies to complete, each week. They each followed a different theme - for example my own family history, previous and current relationships, work experiences, finances, my friends and support network, housing and local community, child and youth experiences and desire and approaches to parenting and potential adoption issues. I was given a page of questions for each of the topics to be covered each week and I then had to write my answers and email them across to my social worker each week a couple of days before our meeting up at home one evening after work each week.
It was hard work and thorough, as I spent most of my weekends on it and as you are reflecting quite deeply on your past and your values too it is also quite emotionally draining.
It took longer than 8 weeks as some weeks the sessions took more than one visit as they was so much to discuss and some weeks it was difficult to meet up each week with diaries or sickness or information gathering - writing down every place and worked and finding the right referees and building your support network map and your family tree - all took time.
all this ran alongside medicals, getting pets assessed by a vet, sorting out references, getting the house ready for all the health and safety checks and also building up a competency file - that filled an A4 file to capacity - the competency file took a while to complete as everything in it needed cross referencing to the competency they were looking for and the evidence - it was like doing a degree!
The biggest advice I can give is this - work hard, do as much as you can and be as honest and open as you can.
The urban myths are - the are out to get you - and they will dig and dig until they find something they don't like and then they will get up and leave.
The truth is, you need to work hard, be open and honest and a self aware as you can be and be committed to wanting to adopt. It is a learning curve for yourself too as you discover more about yourself and what makes you the person you are today and a chance to discover more about the kind of child you could - or could not - likely to parent as you face adoption.
I poured out my guts and heart and did as much soul searching and reflecting as I could and got others to help with all the practical things like fitting child locks!
My social worker and I started the first home study assessment in may 2011and had completed all the home study assessments by July 2011, leaving me the summer to get the room ready, the competency file completed and for my social worker to get all the references and all the paperwork completed and ready for approval panel.
We hoped to be ready for approval panel for September 2011.
Monday, 25 March 2013
Keys - Preparation Group - April 2011
some of the key things I really found helpful from the Preparation Group Training Days , apart from the amazing WALL experience I loved meeting the other adopters who came to share their stories and to tell it how it is, with their adoption experiences.
First up we had a newly made family who talked about building their support network and how it worked in reality. This was helpful for me, as they were a same sex couple and I was able to ask them about how they built in some role models of the opposite sex into their children's lives. I was curious as I was embarking on adoption as a single female adopter, so having some good male role models around for my child was an important consideration. They talked openly about how some of the female role models had been really helpful practically and others in reality it hadn't worked so well for them. I guess the difference between being a friend for you as an adult and those friend's who are great with your children. It isn't always the same, or naturally flow. I found all this very helpful and reassuring that I am OK as a person, whole and complete and that I have a great support network of fabulous friends that I have built up over many years. The tried and tested. The ones that have survived along with me this far.
We then we met their children. Very cute. They rolled around the floor, in their look at me aren't I a great performer mode, lapping up the encouragement, the affirmation and the attention we all gave to them. All this was going on in the middle of the floor of the room as each child took it in turns to show their Introductions book - the book the adoptive parents made for each child before they met them. I loved the creativity in the scrapbook style photo albums and it brought it all to life, again for me. It got my creative juices going and I wanted to go home and start on my Introductions book - straightaway! (too bad the course was continuing to 4.30pm)
Here, in the Introduction book we were being shown, were photos showing the 2x Dads, their house, the park, the school, the doctors and some family photos with messages saying things like "we are excited to be seeing you soon". They also had brought in the cuddly toys they gave to each child - they had taken photos of these toys around the house - a bit like a hide and seek - and the toys had little voice recordings in them, so the Dads could each record their voices in the toys - and the children could then hear their voices before they met them - I simply just loved this idea - and definitely wanted to copy that idea.
The other significant and key for me from the Preparation Group Training Days was one of the Mum's who came to talk about her support network. She shared about how her family - on both hers and her husbands sides of the family had been very anti them adopting and had written to local authorities and adoption agencies expressing their concerns, negative feelings towards adoption and particularly their opinions on them adopting and the shame and negative infiltration adopting would bring on the wider family. This for me, was both interesting and encouraging. I had some family and friends who had expressed concerns and opinions around adoption and me adopting, which I had found hard to work through and worried might affect my ability to be accepted to adopt. I had carried this fear with me into the Preparation Group Training - The urban myth that said everyone has to be in agreement for you to be able to adopt. This woman talked about how she had a fabulous group of girl friends with whom she laughed, cried, drank coffee and wine with regularly and that she had shared stories of how things had gine well and not well at all with family members for her and her husband since they had now successfully adopted their child. She shared how, since their adoption, things have been tense with their families and that whilst some headway had been made, she needed to still be protective of their child, so that if things weren't going well, or if further let downs occured or if negative thigs were said, they removed themselves from the situation. She made it clear that the needs of their child came first and if the other grown up members of the family were not able to behave like grown ups and acceopt their child, then they as parents would behave like grown ups and put their child first and the other family members would miss out.
The most profoud comment she made was this: If any of you here today have friends or family who are not in complete support of your plans to adopt or who have negative opinions of adoption, I would encourage you to surround yourself with those family and friends who are supportive. Protect yourself, laugh with them, cry with them and think of yourself and use your friends like a cushion to comfort you. They are your support network. Forget about the others who are not supportive at this time. They may or may not come round but your friends who support you are and will be with you along the way.
Another urban myth shattered.
Wise advice.
A significant key to hold onto, right there.
A lifeline to grab hold of with both hands.
My support network have laughed and cried with me and the tea, coffe, cake, shared food, wine, their company and their freindship have been a strong tower of support.
First up we had a newly made family who talked about building their support network and how it worked in reality. This was helpful for me, as they were a same sex couple and I was able to ask them about how they built in some role models of the opposite sex into their children's lives. I was curious as I was embarking on adoption as a single female adopter, so having some good male role models around for my child was an important consideration. They talked openly about how some of the female role models had been really helpful practically and others in reality it hadn't worked so well for them. I guess the difference between being a friend for you as an adult and those friend's who are great with your children. It isn't always the same, or naturally flow. I found all this very helpful and reassuring that I am OK as a person, whole and complete and that I have a great support network of fabulous friends that I have built up over many years. The tried and tested. The ones that have survived along with me this far.
We then we met their children. Very cute. They rolled around the floor, in their look at me aren't I a great performer mode, lapping up the encouragement, the affirmation and the attention we all gave to them. All this was going on in the middle of the floor of the room as each child took it in turns to show their Introductions book - the book the adoptive parents made for each child before they met them. I loved the creativity in the scrapbook style photo albums and it brought it all to life, again for me. It got my creative juices going and I wanted to go home and start on my Introductions book - straightaway! (too bad the course was continuing to 4.30pm)
Here, in the Introduction book we were being shown, were photos showing the 2x Dads, their house, the park, the school, the doctors and some family photos with messages saying things like "we are excited to be seeing you soon". They also had brought in the cuddly toys they gave to each child - they had taken photos of these toys around the house - a bit like a hide and seek - and the toys had little voice recordings in them, so the Dads could each record their voices in the toys - and the children could then hear their voices before they met them - I simply just loved this idea - and definitely wanted to copy that idea.
The other significant and key for me from the Preparation Group Training Days was one of the Mum's who came to talk about her support network. She shared about how her family - on both hers and her husbands sides of the family had been very anti them adopting and had written to local authorities and adoption agencies expressing their concerns, negative feelings towards adoption and particularly their opinions on them adopting and the shame and negative infiltration adopting would bring on the wider family. This for me, was both interesting and encouraging. I had some family and friends who had expressed concerns and opinions around adoption and me adopting, which I had found hard to work through and worried might affect my ability to be accepted to adopt. I had carried this fear with me into the Preparation Group Training - The urban myth that said everyone has to be in agreement for you to be able to adopt. This woman talked about how she had a fabulous group of girl friends with whom she laughed, cried, drank coffee and wine with regularly and that she had shared stories of how things had gine well and not well at all with family members for her and her husband since they had now successfully adopted their child. She shared how, since their adoption, things have been tense with their families and that whilst some headway had been made, she needed to still be protective of their child, so that if things weren't going well, or if further let downs occured or if negative thigs were said, they removed themselves from the situation. She made it clear that the needs of their child came first and if the other grown up members of the family were not able to behave like grown ups and acceopt their child, then they as parents would behave like grown ups and put their child first and the other family members would miss out.
The most profoud comment she made was this: If any of you here today have friends or family who are not in complete support of your plans to adopt or who have negative opinions of adoption, I would encourage you to surround yourself with those family and friends who are supportive. Protect yourself, laugh with them, cry with them and think of yourself and use your friends like a cushion to comfort you. They are your support network. Forget about the others who are not supportive at this time. They may or may not come round but your friends who support you are and will be with you along the way.
Another urban myth shattered.
Wise advice.
A significant key to hold onto, right there.
A lifeline to grab hold of with both hands.
My support network have laughed and cried with me and the tea, coffe, cake, shared food, wine, their company and their freindship have been a strong tower of support.
Friday, 22 March 2013
Q and A - Preparation Group - April 2011
This is one of my reflections from Preparation Group Training for Adoption that I did with Families That Last, an Adoption Agency in April 2011 and this post is part of the growing community of Adopters writing as part of the Weekly Adoption Shout Out.
Question: What did I find most useful from Preparation Group ?
Answer: For me, by far the most useful thing from the Preparation Group Training days was gaining understanding of some of the needs because of the developmental and emotional gaps for the adopted child.
This was fantastic for me. I have studied child development through my teacher training and my youth work training - but this was distinctly different. The visual illustration of THE WALL - made with bricks like mega blocks - was soooo visual and impacting. The wall was built with each layer providing the foundations and the subsequent layers of the child developmental milestones. We used stickers to represent each of the key ages and areas: love, needs met, stimulation, safety, security, play, stability, calm, socialising, nursery, school etc etc etc....
Alongside these bricks we looked at some case studies of children who had been neglected, abused, hospitalised, moved from foster care setting to foster care setting etc etc etc prior to being placed for Adoption.
In each case study, as we identified the various key bricks that were either just not there for the child, or the brick was being placed on top of a missing brick or bricks - such as: neglect - no food, left alone, health appointments not kept, or school not attended, moving house regularly, suffering physical abuse, emotional abuse with high levels of domestic violence and police calls and arrests.... etc etc etc
In practical terms and against what was historically thought, it is not enough to just put in place the new brick according to the child's age - or have as the new and visibly seen wall - the glossy theory that says - oh they will be OK as they are adopted now... it's a new start, they have been with you a year.... but for a child who has had no play experience or socialisation, missed nursery and playgroups, had no toys... the foundations are not there - simply adding the brick of going to school - will cause the brick to balance on thin air - and then to crash down in through the gaps.
Thankfully what has be realised now is that it is not enough to paper over the cracks, like wallpapering over poor plasterwork - but the bricks in the very foundations need to be inbuilt, embedded into the core foundations and to then be built upon from the very core: to be welcomed into the world and not rejected, to cry and have your needs of food and comfort met, to be loved and to have basic trust to be what you are meant to be - a baby.
I found this so impacting, as I reflected on my life as being adopted and the various foundational bricks my parents did instinctively embed in my life and as I thought about the broken and dysfunctional families I have worked with and as I faced adopting a child of my own.
I often think of the brick wall and the foundations that I need to embed and how stability is crucial for the foundations and resilience to survive and to thrive.
For me as a child, I was so aggressive at nursery school that I was expelled and didn't start school until I was 5. I was miserable throughout infant school, feeling cold and isolated and feeling in a bubble. My Mum worked hard at teaching me empathy, particularly, so that I could begin to understand how others were feeling even when I was still being the toughie and not feeling that pain myself, at all. My parents helped me try and try again with things like riding a bike or a musical instrument. When I failed some exams and had to re-sit and my boyfriend dumped me, I was upset and heartbroken but had by then more resilience to bounce back. I worked hard to pass the exam to get to Uni - and realised that the boyfriend wasn't worth me anyway!
I was so impacted by this and on reflection of my life too, hope to embed and build in resilience to PJ so that when hard times come in her life in the future that her whole world will not crash around her, causing her to fall through the gaps and land in the rubble of the foundations. Rather, I will support and cushion her falls, I will be that scaffolding for her as new bricks are placed in the foundation stones that are missing. We will continue to pour drinks and explore messy food like spaghetti or custard and jelly until we are secure enough to stop and to move on developmentally.
I will be working hard to fill in so many gaps that are missing.
I have some lovely and colourful bricks.
Let's get building.
Question: What did I find most useful from Preparation Group ?
Answer: For me, by far the most useful thing from the Preparation Group Training days was gaining understanding of some of the needs because of the developmental and emotional gaps for the adopted child.
This was fantastic for me. I have studied child development through my teacher training and my youth work training - but this was distinctly different. The visual illustration of THE WALL - made with bricks like mega blocks - was soooo visual and impacting. The wall was built with each layer providing the foundations and the subsequent layers of the child developmental milestones. We used stickers to represent each of the key ages and areas: love, needs met, stimulation, safety, security, play, stability, calm, socialising, nursery, school etc etc etc....
Alongside these bricks we looked at some case studies of children who had been neglected, abused, hospitalised, moved from foster care setting to foster care setting etc etc etc prior to being placed for Adoption.
In each case study, as we identified the various key bricks that were either just not there for the child, or the brick was being placed on top of a missing brick or bricks - such as: neglect - no food, left alone, health appointments not kept, or school not attended, moving house regularly, suffering physical abuse, emotional abuse with high levels of domestic violence and police calls and arrests.... etc etc etc
In practical terms and against what was historically thought, it is not enough to just put in place the new brick according to the child's age - or have as the new and visibly seen wall - the glossy theory that says - oh they will be OK as they are adopted now... it's a new start, they have been with you a year.... but for a child who has had no play experience or socialisation, missed nursery and playgroups, had no toys... the foundations are not there - simply adding the brick of going to school - will cause the brick to balance on thin air - and then to crash down in through the gaps.
Thankfully what has be realised now is that it is not enough to paper over the cracks, like wallpapering over poor plasterwork - but the bricks in the very foundations need to be inbuilt, embedded into the core foundations and to then be built upon from the very core: to be welcomed into the world and not rejected, to cry and have your needs of food and comfort met, to be loved and to have basic trust to be what you are meant to be - a baby.
I found this so impacting, as I reflected on my life as being adopted and the various foundational bricks my parents did instinctively embed in my life and as I thought about the broken and dysfunctional families I have worked with and as I faced adopting a child of my own.
I often think of the brick wall and the foundations that I need to embed and how stability is crucial for the foundations and resilience to survive and to thrive.
For me as a child, I was so aggressive at nursery school that I was expelled and didn't start school until I was 5. I was miserable throughout infant school, feeling cold and isolated and feeling in a bubble. My Mum worked hard at teaching me empathy, particularly, so that I could begin to understand how others were feeling even when I was still being the toughie and not feeling that pain myself, at all. My parents helped me try and try again with things like riding a bike or a musical instrument. When I failed some exams and had to re-sit and my boyfriend dumped me, I was upset and heartbroken but had by then more resilience to bounce back. I worked hard to pass the exam to get to Uni - and realised that the boyfriend wasn't worth me anyway!
I was so impacted by this and on reflection of my life too, hope to embed and build in resilience to PJ so that when hard times come in her life in the future that her whole world will not crash around her, causing her to fall through the gaps and land in the rubble of the foundations. Rather, I will support and cushion her falls, I will be that scaffolding for her as new bricks are placed in the foundation stones that are missing. We will continue to pour drinks and explore messy food like spaghetti or custard and jelly until we are secure enough to stop and to move on developmentally.
I will be working hard to fill in so many gaps that are missing.
I have some lovely and colourful bricks.
Let's get building.
Thursday, 21 March 2013
Preparation Group - April 2011
A week after My Decision To Be Brave I walked into Preparation Group. 4 days, spread out over 2 weeks and I was both excited and feeling nervous. There was no doubt that a lot of my anxieties were based on a foundation that still rocks, that says I am being judged and will not be good enough.
Failure to Thrive and Fear of Rejection are at the very core of my being. Intertwinned, locked together for strength and reliability, they lie dormant at times.
Waiting.
Then the strike comes.
A battle from deep within rages with swords waging as they rear their ugly heads. A battle of the war of wills I face it head on when potential new relationships are formed, I still have a tendancy to look at people and categorise them as either friend or foe, depending on whether they smile at me or not. I also face these fears head on when I talk about my past and fear or over anticipate their reactions and hvae the fear of rejection again when I am at an interview for a job. Remembering the interview panel naked technique never works very well for me. I see them as naked with machine guns. Really. Not a pretty sight!
Over timewith lots of investment from others and with age and growth, I have grown in my own confidence in myself and a growing belief and assurance in who I am. My Identity. I have learned skills and gathered trusted tools that I use automatically to help the fall out lessen and for me to sometimes slay a few of my demons and lessen the noise of skeletons rattling or monsters with green turned out toes emerging from cupboards.
Of course, not all my trusted tools I use are the best but they are ones that I have used and relied on, at times, for a lifetime.
Laughter and humour and being the life and soul of the party can be a mask from behind which I hide and pretend that I am OK. Agression and being defensive, bolshy and brash are a wall or a garage door that closes and surrounds me, locking me in secure, preserving my heart in a fridge so that I feel no pain. No one can hurt me from within here. Shut down and lock down. On the outside I am prickly and push others away. A hedgehog is too cute. Prickly dinosaur, maybe.
The labels of Premature Birth, Rejected, Abandoned, Adopted, Single, Divorced, Childless, Hoping to adopt are what I wear like medals of war. The reality is I am more than a survivor.
In place of the question marks of survival, the question mark of aabandonment, has been the huge eraser that over time has gently and firmly removed and lessened their grip and their hold on my life.
In place of failure to thrive is Life, thrive, survive.
In place of abandonment and rejection is love and welcome, acceptance, family, belonging.
Identity works hand in hand alongside the labels of premature birth, adopted, single, divorced.
They are part of who I am.
Me.
Rather than try and bury them, I embrace them.
I remember who I am. Me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am my own person, whole and complete, with many skills and life experiences all attached like strings to my bow, arrayed beautifully like useful tools in my toolbox of life. Deep treasure within. I am outgoing, friendly, skilled, qualified, experienced and will use all these skills to my best advantage. And I want to adopt. And I have been invited here.
Preparation Group, here I come.
I walk through the door and confront my inner fears of being single versus all the others being in a couple and hold my head high, remembering the many triumphs that have formed and shaped me into the woman I am today.
I was the only single adopter in the group but some of the other couples were really friendly. The group work sessions and times for coffee and lunch together were good for networking. I remember thinking at the time that this was my equivalent opportunity to make friends with other prospective adopters like my friends who have attended antenatal classes. This is it.
It didnt quite work out though, the building of friendships, sadly. Some dropped out after the first 2 days of the preparation group and the second wave of the preparation group for the following 2 days was with a completely different set of people. Again, all couples, who seemed quiet and not terribly chatty throughout the whole 2 days.
I wasn't worried. I was growing in the confidence that I was going theough this adoption process on my own and finding my own 2 feet and standing firmly in the affirmation of myself.
I can do this and I am doing this.
I did really enjoiy the 4 days of preparation group.
I learned some keys and some answers to some of my questions. Hoorah!
Failure to Thrive and Fear of Rejection are at the very core of my being. Intertwinned, locked together for strength and reliability, they lie dormant at times.
Waiting.
Then the strike comes.
A battle from deep within rages with swords waging as they rear their ugly heads. A battle of the war of wills I face it head on when potential new relationships are formed, I still have a tendancy to look at people and categorise them as either friend or foe, depending on whether they smile at me or not. I also face these fears head on when I talk about my past and fear or over anticipate their reactions and hvae the fear of rejection again when I am at an interview for a job. Remembering the interview panel naked technique never works very well for me. I see them as naked with machine guns. Really. Not a pretty sight!
Over timewith lots of investment from others and with age and growth, I have grown in my own confidence in myself and a growing belief and assurance in who I am. My Identity. I have learned skills and gathered trusted tools that I use automatically to help the fall out lessen and for me to sometimes slay a few of my demons and lessen the noise of skeletons rattling or monsters with green turned out toes emerging from cupboards.
Of course, not all my trusted tools I use are the best but they are ones that I have used and relied on, at times, for a lifetime.
Laughter and humour and being the life and soul of the party can be a mask from behind which I hide and pretend that I am OK. Agression and being defensive, bolshy and brash are a wall or a garage door that closes and surrounds me, locking me in secure, preserving my heart in a fridge so that I feel no pain. No one can hurt me from within here. Shut down and lock down. On the outside I am prickly and push others away. A hedgehog is too cute. Prickly dinosaur, maybe.
The labels of Premature Birth, Rejected, Abandoned, Adopted, Single, Divorced, Childless, Hoping to adopt are what I wear like medals of war. The reality is I am more than a survivor.
In place of the question marks of survival, the question mark of aabandonment, has been the huge eraser that over time has gently and firmly removed and lessened their grip and their hold on my life.
In place of failure to thrive is Life, thrive, survive.
In place of abandonment and rejection is love and welcome, acceptance, family, belonging.
Identity works hand in hand alongside the labels of premature birth, adopted, single, divorced.
They are part of who I am.
Me.
Rather than try and bury them, I embrace them.
I remember who I am. Me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am my own person, whole and complete, with many skills and life experiences all attached like strings to my bow, arrayed beautifully like useful tools in my toolbox of life. Deep treasure within. I am outgoing, friendly, skilled, qualified, experienced and will use all these skills to my best advantage. And I want to adopt. And I have been invited here.
Preparation Group, here I come.
I walk through the door and confront my inner fears of being single versus all the others being in a couple and hold my head high, remembering the many triumphs that have formed and shaped me into the woman I am today.
I was the only single adopter in the group but some of the other couples were really friendly. The group work sessions and times for coffee and lunch together were good for networking. I remember thinking at the time that this was my equivalent opportunity to make friends with other prospective adopters like my friends who have attended antenatal classes. This is it.
It didnt quite work out though, the building of friendships, sadly. Some dropped out after the first 2 days of the preparation group and the second wave of the preparation group for the following 2 days was with a completely different set of people. Again, all couples, who seemed quiet and not terribly chatty throughout the whole 2 days.
I wasn't worried. I was growing in the confidence that I was going theough this adoption process on my own and finding my own 2 feet and standing firmly in the affirmation of myself.
I can do this and I am doing this.
I did really enjoiy the 4 days of preparation group.
I learned some keys and some answers to some of my questions. Hoorah!
Monday, 14 January 2013
Considering Adoption Agencies February 2011
I managed to pick myself up off the floor of my shattered dreams, fairly quickly. After all, I had already tried to make contact with 2 agencies. Surely, they would try and return my call or my enquiry form? Wouldn't they? One of them would?
Hmm. I left further messages with them both again and the 3rd Adoption agency I had details of, seemed to be a wrong number. I left it a few more days and then looked on line for this other agency. I left my number and to my complete surprise and by now disbelief, they called back!!!
A quick phone conversation and a date in the diary for someone to call round during the February school half term. I was so excited!
The week seemed to fly by and soon it was half term.
I also managed, meanwhile, to play phone tig with the other 2 agencies but it wasn't looking hopeful to actually get to meet a social worker from them. One agency had sickness and the other no one got back to me for months!
The meeting with the Adoption Agency, Families That Last who help prosepective adopters find the right family, seemed positive. The social worker explained that Agencies find families for children who are deemed hard to place. What does that mean? I asked.
Hard to place children are children needing families nationally, where their local authority have been unable to find families for them.
The unwanted, the unloved, the discarded, I thought.
Children with special needs, those in larger sibling groups, older children, ethnicity, she said.
The upper age limit, currently, is a 45 year gap between adult and child she said.
Being single and adopting is possible as having a strong support network is what is needed.
The urban myths of being too old to adopt, you can't adopt if you are single, you can't adopt if you have a faith - such as Christian faith seemed to be dispelling their magical spell and their fierce grip they had had on me was loosening it's tight hold.
Some urban myths I had believed for a long time were exploding.
Freedom.
I could breathe again.
I really liked the sound of Families That Last. Afetr all, it is what I have always wanted. A Family That Lasts.
She left and said she would speak to her manager.
She phoned the next day.
It was a yes!
For this initial stage.
I would be invited to the next 4 days preparation group in April.
I wanted to dance around the room. I would have, except for the fact that I was holding on to the other end of the phone.
April was only 6 weeks away.
That didn't seem too long to wait.
I could do that.
I was on cloud 9.
Hope is rising...
Hmm. I left further messages with them both again and the 3rd Adoption agency I had details of, seemed to be a wrong number. I left it a few more days and then looked on line for this other agency. I left my number and to my complete surprise and by now disbelief, they called back!!!
A quick phone conversation and a date in the diary for someone to call round during the February school half term. I was so excited!
The week seemed to fly by and soon it was half term.
I also managed, meanwhile, to play phone tig with the other 2 agencies but it wasn't looking hopeful to actually get to meet a social worker from them. One agency had sickness and the other no one got back to me for months!
The meeting with the Adoption Agency, Families That Last who help prosepective adopters find the right family, seemed positive. The social worker explained that Agencies find families for children who are deemed hard to place. What does that mean? I asked.
Hard to place children are children needing families nationally, where their local authority have been unable to find families for them.
The unwanted, the unloved, the discarded, I thought.
Children with special needs, those in larger sibling groups, older children, ethnicity, she said.
The upper age limit, currently, is a 45 year gap between adult and child she said.
Being single and adopting is possible as having a strong support network is what is needed.
The urban myths of being too old to adopt, you can't adopt if you are single, you can't adopt if you have a faith - such as Christian faith seemed to be dispelling their magical spell and their fierce grip they had had on me was loosening it's tight hold.
Some urban myths I had believed for a long time were exploding.
Freedom.
I could breathe again.
I really liked the sound of Families That Last. Afetr all, it is what I have always wanted. A Family That Lasts.
She left and said she would speak to her manager.
She phoned the next day.
It was a yes!
For this initial stage.
I would be invited to the next 4 days preparation group in April.
I wanted to dance around the room. I would have, except for the fact that I was holding on to the other end of the phone.
April was only 6 weeks away.
That didn't seem too long to wait.
I could do that.
I was on cloud 9.
Hope is rising...
Sunday, 13 January 2013
Moderation Panel Result February 2011
Moderation Panel with the local authority must have met during January 2011.
It was the beginning of February before she phoned.
It was a no at this time.
Gutted.
Factor #1 Being Single. They have too many single people currently on their list.
Bummer. It felt like a slap in my face.
Factor #2 The goegraphical area of where I work conflict.
Ouch. You would have thought my profession within Education would have been a positive.
Factor #3 My age.
The slap in my face has a backhand slap. It hurt.
I've left it too late. I can't turn back time. I can't change my age.
Factor #4 They already have a list of approved prospective adopters, so they would offer to defer their consideration. Moderation Panel would be happy to re-consider me in 6 months time, in July. If successful, then I would be invited to their next preparation group in 10 months time, October 2011.
There were no guarentees that either my circumstances would have changed or their list of criteria would have changed.
It felt like the Revolving Door had turned out to be a swing door and had actually slammed shut in my face.
Thwack.
I was reeling.
It felt like a double whammy.
Single and childless.
The swing door swung.
Thwack, thwack.
The result wasn't what I expected. At all. I thougt they would welcome me with open arms but they didn't. Bummer.
I couldn't change being single and therefore being able to have a child of my own and I couldn't change their decision and I certainly couldn't change my age. And the ageometer seems to have arrived. In 6 months time and next Moderation panel, I would be 6 months older.
The swing door closed.... but what about if the door was a revolving door?
What about the adoption agencies?
Would they say no too?
It was the beginning of February before she phoned.
It was a no at this time.
Gutted.
Factor #1 Being Single. They have too many single people currently on their list.
Bummer. It felt like a slap in my face.
Factor #2 The goegraphical area of where I work conflict.
Ouch. You would have thought my profession within Education would have been a positive.
Factor #3 My age.
The slap in my face has a backhand slap. It hurt.
I've left it too late. I can't turn back time. I can't change my age.
Factor #4 They already have a list of approved prospective adopters, so they would offer to defer their consideration. Moderation Panel would be happy to re-consider me in 6 months time, in July. If successful, then I would be invited to their next preparation group in 10 months time, October 2011.
There were no guarentees that either my circumstances would have changed or their list of criteria would have changed.
It felt like the Revolving Door had turned out to be a swing door and had actually slammed shut in my face.
Thwack.
I was reeling.
It felt like a double whammy.
Single and childless.
The swing door swung.
Thwack, thwack.
The result wasn't what I expected. At all. I thougt they would welcome me with open arms but they didn't. Bummer.
I couldn't change being single and therefore being able to have a child of my own and I couldn't change their decision and I certainly couldn't change my age. And the ageometer seems to have arrived. In 6 months time and next Moderation panel, I would be 6 months older.
The swing door closed.... but what about if the door was a revolving door?
What about the adoption agencies?
Would they say no too?
Saturday, 12 January 2013
Waiting for January 2011
Before the social worker from the local authority left, she said that it might be wise for me to push some doors with some Adoption Agencies. What are they I asked?
She said they might be more open to single people adopting, and my age - as I am older.
She also said that Agencies will look for children needing to be adopted nationally, whereas the local authority work with their lists of children needing adopting form withing their local authority. If I was taken on by an agency this would solve the issue of where I work, in the line of work I am in, being a conflict. As an agency works nationally, there also might be room for a few more prospective adopters given the need of children needing new families.
She left me details of 3 adoption agencies.
I made initial enquiries with 2 agencies and seemed to have a wrong number for the 3rd and put that one on the back burner, whilst I waited for news of the Moderation Panel.
Would hoop#1 of Moderation Panel from the Local Authority prove successful and lead to more hoops to go through towards adoption being my option to become a Mum, or would I be on a helter skeltzer ride with trying to find an adoption agency?
I wait with eager anticipation, for news.
My life seems on hold.
The wait until January 2011 seemed endless.
She said they might be more open to single people adopting, and my age - as I am older.
She also said that Agencies will look for children needing to be adopted nationally, whereas the local authority work with their lists of children needing adopting form withing their local authority. If I was taken on by an agency this would solve the issue of where I work, in the line of work I am in, being a conflict. As an agency works nationally, there also might be room for a few more prospective adopters given the need of children needing new families.
She left me details of 3 adoption agencies.
I made initial enquiries with 2 agencies and seemed to have a wrong number for the 3rd and put that one on the back burner, whilst I waited for news of the Moderation Panel.
Would hoop#1 of Moderation Panel from the Local Authority prove successful and lead to more hoops to go through towards adoption being my option to become a Mum, or would I be on a helter skeltzer ride with trying to find an adoption agency?
I wait with eager anticipation, for news.
My life seems on hold.
The wait until January 2011 seemed endless.
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