We are nearing the end of the first half term of Big School and it has been a bumpy ride - not as bumpy as I thought it could have been. Yes, we have had some regression - some easier to cope with than others and others that have taken their emotional toll on us both.
PJ has a survival tool bag with several resources that she uses, when she is overwhelmed.
I have a growing therapeutic mummy bag which I use when she is overwhelmed.
Sometimes, though, we seem to have both thrown our toys out of our bags and are both just left somewhat overwhelmed.
Sometimes.
Sometimes, the rolls of the roller coaster ride have caught me unawares and sent me twisting and turning and reeling.
At other times, I have helped to steer the roller coaster around and we have made great rolls and reached great heights and mastered the twists and turns with our arms held high, almost cheering along with great exhilaration and joy.
The first few weeks we had tears and screams of seemingly pure frustration, along with carefree and determined bouncing on and off furniture - the sofa - and the bed, some wet pants and some hitting and kicking along with some more possessive behaviour towards the cat.
PJ has also struggled with saying good bye to me in the mornings.
And she has struggled to say goodbye to me at night.
We have also had some fabulous triumphs, where regression has not been anywhere to where we regressed to last year when she first came to me and some regressive behaviours have not reared their heads at all.
School have begun to see some of these behaviours, but for the most part, she has been holding it together all day and then letting it all out at night and at the weekends.
Sometimes it ain't pretty.
I still find the aggressive hitting and kicking the hardest to cope with and to manage, calmly, successfully and consistently but each time it is lessening it's ferocity and the strength of it's grip is lessening in intensity and time.
The last few weekends calm has once again been restored to the sofa and she is once again sitting watching her beloved CBeebies, rather than bouncing on and off the sofa repeatedly.
The last week she is more settled in her sleep and we have once again begun closing the gap from 8.30pm - 9pm bouncing on and off the bed and hitting and kicking, to currently being calm and settled around 7pm - 7.30pm and sleep has returned from waking at 6.30am to now 7.30am.
Phew.
We still have some way to go before we see calm of our night time routine to be once again restored as it was before we started Big School.
She is still really struggling and therefore reacting at the point when she knows I am about to go downstairs at night.
On the plus side, she has made friends, been to several whole class parties and coped really well, joined in a whole school assembly and recited the class poem really well.
On the plus side, she loves her school dinners and seems to be enjoying learning her letters and sounds and counting.
On the plus side, we have left on time everyday, dressed (almost always in socks and shoes too) and most days we have even managed to brush our hair.
On the plus side, I have managed to leave her with the comfort of staff and her transitional toy, to arrive at work on time too.
On the plus side she beams when I pick her up and runs out to me from the classroom door, shouting Mummy and hugging me - sometimes, much louder than the other children greeting their Mummies.
The smile and hug is a winner.
Every time.
Showing posts with label heightened anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heightened anxiety. Show all posts
Tuesday, 15 October 2013
Saturday, 14 September 2013
First Week at Big School
Fantastic start, so far!
Hooray for Big School!
We have got out the door, this last week on time and proudly wearing the uniform.
She has carried and cuddled her toy that has a special job, to remind her that mummy will be back soon and once, we have left this precious transitional toy, in school!
The teacher returned it, safely to us at tea time!
How lovely was that!
This last week we have stayed for school dinners and yes, there has been the evidence of what PJ has been eating firmly imprinted on the new school uniform top!
We have had a few meltdowns, a few tears and a few loud and ear piercing screams of frustration, I suspect, over this last week - but on the whole, it has all gone exceptionally well and better than any of us could have anticipated.
Transition and change is such a big thing and potential trigger for many behaviours, patterns and responses to rear their ugly heads once again - wet pants, clinging onto me, tears, bouncing on and off furniture and being restless and excitable and tired are all a small price to pay for the joy she seems to have for big school and the big smiles that greet me when she sees me when I pick her up at the end of the day!
So far we have done half days at big school.
Next week, she will do full days!
I haven't told her that bit yet.
Or, that she will be going to big school and then big, big school, for many years still to come.
Some things can wait.
Hooray for Big School!
We have got out the door, this last week on time and proudly wearing the uniform.
She has carried and cuddled her toy that has a special job, to remind her that mummy will be back soon and once, we have left this precious transitional toy, in school!
The teacher returned it, safely to us at tea time!
How lovely was that!
This last week we have stayed for school dinners and yes, there has been the evidence of what PJ has been eating firmly imprinted on the new school uniform top!
We have had a few meltdowns, a few tears and a few loud and ear piercing screams of frustration, I suspect, over this last week - but on the whole, it has all gone exceptionally well and better than any of us could have anticipated.
Transition and change is such a big thing and potential trigger for many behaviours, patterns and responses to rear their ugly heads once again - wet pants, clinging onto me, tears, bouncing on and off furniture and being restless and excitable and tired are all a small price to pay for the joy she seems to have for big school and the big smiles that greet me when she sees me when I pick her up at the end of the day!
So far we have done half days at big school.
Next week, she will do full days!
I haven't told her that bit yet.
Or, that she will be going to big school and then big, big school, for many years still to come.
Some things can wait.
Monday, 24 June 2013
School Transition Preparation
After 2 big school visits and an Information evening for parents, for the most part, that is the Introductions for PJ going to big school done.
The teacher will also make a visit to the various nurseries that this new reception year intake currently attend, if they attend one, to see the children in their current settings and there was an encouraged optional sign up sheet at the Information evening for parents to sign for a home visit by the class teacher or the teacher assistant to visit the children in their home setting during the afternoons of the first week of September.
Each child will have a buddy from year 6 in the school, who they will be linked to and they will get a postcard in the summer holidays to welcome them to their new big school.
Following the Information evening, parents are trying uniform on their children and making their selections and purchases and have the joys of naming everything with name labels within an inch of it's life to look forward to over the next few months - oh - and the trip to buy new school shoes to try and time perfectly with having the choice whilst not buying too soon that they feet are then too big for the shoes in September.
Bear with me, this will be my first experience at doing all of this, so wish me luck!
We have been given an All About Me book - presented to us parents at the parent Information evening which was complete with a photo of our children and named accordingly on the front cover and also an instant camera to take photos of what inspires us to share of our lives between now and the end of the summer holidays to take pictures of and for us to then compile it together on the pages to present it, complete, on the first day of big school in September.
Yikes!
This is all very exciting and for the normal, settled, secure child, this preparation for school is very good. Parents can talk about school and can help their child practise the getting dressed, fasten shoes, toilet themselves and wash their hands and use a tissue to wipe their own nose, alongside buying the new big school uniform and working on the All About Me book - and, for most children and families this will suffice.
Then there is PJ.
Where do we start with the All About Me book - and given that the book will be looked at in school by PJ, probably daily the teacher shared with all of us parents at the Information evening and is designed for themselves to have to share with peers, teachers, visitors etc. I suspect that this book will also be the springboard for their learning activities for the first term - the potential time bomb - for every adopted child - family, identity, life story, belonging, acceptance.
And then, there is PJ. There ain't no way we will be just turning up at school for the first day of big school, without some kind of further preparation for PJ or the school. Given that the centralised admissions team didn't pass on anything to the school, other than a name and a date of birth, I have already begun setting the ball in motion for as smooth a transition as is possible: hopefully it will all help us all.
So, I have met with the head, who is lovely and listened intently as I shared as best I could some of PJ's background, where we are at with the adoption process, her issues and challenges and some of the support and strategies we have in place so far.
I have arranged to meet her class teacher in a few weeks time - as all teacher's at this time are writing reports and have their current class to think of! I will try and outline some of the issues and strategies in greater detail for them to hopefully continue in the classroom to help maintain some consistency and parallels between home and school, so to ease the transition - if possible.
In addition to this, I am sending the school copies of the latest paperwork:
LAC review
PEP
nursery report
CAMHS referral and reports
What have I missed?
The teacher will also make a visit to the various nurseries that this new reception year intake currently attend, if they attend one, to see the children in their current settings and there was an encouraged optional sign up sheet at the Information evening for parents to sign for a home visit by the class teacher or the teacher assistant to visit the children in their home setting during the afternoons of the first week of September.
Each child will have a buddy from year 6 in the school, who they will be linked to and they will get a postcard in the summer holidays to welcome them to their new big school.
Following the Information evening, parents are trying uniform on their children and making their selections and purchases and have the joys of naming everything with name labels within an inch of it's life to look forward to over the next few months - oh - and the trip to buy new school shoes to try and time perfectly with having the choice whilst not buying too soon that they feet are then too big for the shoes in September.
Bear with me, this will be my first experience at doing all of this, so wish me luck!
We have been given an All About Me book - presented to us parents at the parent Information evening which was complete with a photo of our children and named accordingly on the front cover and also an instant camera to take photos of what inspires us to share of our lives between now and the end of the summer holidays to take pictures of and for us to then compile it together on the pages to present it, complete, on the first day of big school in September.
Yikes!
This is all very exciting and for the normal, settled, secure child, this preparation for school is very good. Parents can talk about school and can help their child practise the getting dressed, fasten shoes, toilet themselves and wash their hands and use a tissue to wipe their own nose, alongside buying the new big school uniform and working on the All About Me book - and, for most children and families this will suffice.
Then there is PJ.
Where do we start with the All About Me book - and given that the book will be looked at in school by PJ, probably daily the teacher shared with all of us parents at the Information evening and is designed for themselves to have to share with peers, teachers, visitors etc. I suspect that this book will also be the springboard for their learning activities for the first term - the potential time bomb - for every adopted child - family, identity, life story, belonging, acceptance.
And then, there is PJ. There ain't no way we will be just turning up at school for the first day of big school, without some kind of further preparation for PJ or the school. Given that the centralised admissions team didn't pass on anything to the school, other than a name and a date of birth, I have already begun setting the ball in motion for as smooth a transition as is possible: hopefully it will all help us all.
So, I have met with the head, who is lovely and listened intently as I shared as best I could some of PJ's background, where we are at with the adoption process, her issues and challenges and some of the support and strategies we have in place so far.
I have arranged to meet her class teacher in a few weeks time - as all teacher's at this time are writing reports and have their current class to think of! I will try and outline some of the issues and strategies in greater detail for them to hopefully continue in the classroom to help maintain some consistency and parallels between home and school, so to ease the transition - if possible.
In addition to this, I am sending the school copies of the latest paperwork:
LAC review
PEP
nursery report
CAMHS referral and reports
What have I missed?
Friday, 26 April 2013
Regression
Regression visits our home on a regular basis at irregular times and at seemingly inappropriate moments and regularly outstays his welcome.
Regression occurs when my undivided attention is lost. The phone rings, a friend calls round, a professional visits, I am clearing away the main course from dinner and regression steps into the breach and takes centre stage.
There are several acts to this play.
Act One, Scene One: scribble on the walls, running around the room or bouncing on and off furniture, demanding attention, tears, hitting or kicking or throwing things or chasing the cat.
Act One. Scene Two: There may be silence in the regression as PJ becomes self absorbed, lost in her own little world whilst squidging play dough into the carpet or spaghetti on the plate or soup being sipped through a straw, or paint smeared all over her body and the floor and the table, or lip balm smeared all over hands and up the arms in a gooey, sticky mess as if it were soap.
Act Two is a quick escalating regression that occurs when faced with new experiences, which can go either way. Either we regress aggressively through taking control where being bossy, assertive, wanting to take charge and speaking over others are hallmarks. Running around like a whirling dervish in and over and through anything or anyone in it's wake is a common feature. Tears, tantrums, hitting, kicking and biting quickly become inter-twinned with these other features.
Act Three in this regression is the flip-side where anxieties flourish. Fear and flight take root. Of course running around, on and off furniture may feature as may tears and screams and kicks but running through this torrent is distress. Clingy, contrary, confused and crying like a baby, unsettled and unstable. Regression occurs when our world is rocked.
The foundations are void in places, so a few bricks of stability and routine being threatened and there is a gaping hole that is revealed. The fear of falling, falling, falling down in to a bottomless hole, is too great a risk. Resilience must be found from somewhere. From deep within her soul, a reversion to what is familiar and known is found.
The familiar fear, flight, fight pattern.
Regression to a time once known before: baby talk, throwing food, drinking with sippy cups or teats on a bottle.
Act Four is the final Act: The Aftermath. After new experiences, new places, change, new routine, new people and professionals visiting regression occurs. Tears, tantrums, wet pants, unsettled sleep, distressed crying, hitting, kicking, biting.
The final curtain of regression closes some days or weeks later as the symptoms subside. A few more bricks are placed deep within the cracks in the foundation stones and a sense of resilience, calm, peace and an "all is well with the world feeling" takes form.
It is something beautiful to behold.
We regress to move forward.
We dance with you regression.
Sometimes, we are on tippy toes.
Sometimes we stomp.
The dance of Regression.
How well do we dance?
Regression occurs when my undivided attention is lost. The phone rings, a friend calls round, a professional visits, I am clearing away the main course from dinner and regression steps into the breach and takes centre stage.
There are several acts to this play.
Act One, Scene One: scribble on the walls, running around the room or bouncing on and off furniture, demanding attention, tears, hitting or kicking or throwing things or chasing the cat.
Act One. Scene Two: There may be silence in the regression as PJ becomes self absorbed, lost in her own little world whilst squidging play dough into the carpet or spaghetti on the plate or soup being sipped through a straw, or paint smeared all over her body and the floor and the table, or lip balm smeared all over hands and up the arms in a gooey, sticky mess as if it were soap.
Act Two is a quick escalating regression that occurs when faced with new experiences, which can go either way. Either we regress aggressively through taking control where being bossy, assertive, wanting to take charge and speaking over others are hallmarks. Running around like a whirling dervish in and over and through anything or anyone in it's wake is a common feature. Tears, tantrums, hitting, kicking and biting quickly become inter-twinned with these other features.
Act Three in this regression is the flip-side where anxieties flourish. Fear and flight take root. Of course running around, on and off furniture may feature as may tears and screams and kicks but running through this torrent is distress. Clingy, contrary, confused and crying like a baby, unsettled and unstable. Regression occurs when our world is rocked.
The foundations are void in places, so a few bricks of stability and routine being threatened and there is a gaping hole that is revealed. The fear of falling, falling, falling down in to a bottomless hole, is too great a risk. Resilience must be found from somewhere. From deep within her soul, a reversion to what is familiar and known is found.
The familiar fear, flight, fight pattern.
Regression to a time once known before: baby talk, throwing food, drinking with sippy cups or teats on a bottle.
Act Four is the final Act: The Aftermath. After new experiences, new places, change, new routine, new people and professionals visiting regression occurs. Tears, tantrums, wet pants, unsettled sleep, distressed crying, hitting, kicking, biting.
The final curtain of regression closes some days or weeks later as the symptoms subside. A few more bricks are placed deep within the cracks in the foundation stones and a sense of resilience, calm, peace and an "all is well with the world feeling" takes form.
It is something beautiful to behold.
We regress to move forward.
We dance with you regression.
Sometimes, we are on tippy toes.
Sometimes we stomp.
The dance of Regression.
How well do we dance?
Thursday, 11 April 2013
School Transition
Next week I will get to hear the news on which school from my preferences PJ will be allocated. Will she be allocated to the school of my first choice? Will she take precedence over the admissions numbers as she is LAC and probably newly adopted in September 2013 when she is due to start Reception?
I don't know.
I wait with bated breath.
All is still... and at times, not very calm.
I am told that the system is that my local authority will give me my preferred choice but I have heard and read some horror stories about the process of school admissions and the appeal process.
I have made my choice and filled in all the forms by the deadline of January 2013 and social workers have also written letters of support to go with the application.
And now we wait, for next week to see what happens and how well the transition to school goes. Big school. We have been talking about going to big school since PJ came last Summer.
She points to schools and says - I could go there, Mummy - I have to say - I have chosen a really lovely place but we need to wait and see which school you will go to when we find out if they say yes - not easy for a little girl who has anxieties and controlling behaviours - she has in her head picked her own school a million times - but the system doesn't allow us to begin to start the transition process until after mid April 2013.
It hasn't been an easy road to make my choice in the months before the applications were due in - my very local schools are large - around 350 - and I feel PJ will be lost at sea in such large school systems. Larger schools, you are not on my list.
Other smaller local schools to where we live didn't have before and after school care on site - they either, walk to and from school to the before and after school club, or they go by minibus - both of which are too vague and transient for a child who is vulnerable, needs routine and structure to breed security - and also a child who as yet has no sense of danger or road sense! I crossed all those schools off the list. Sorry.
Some, I visited, ran a very tightly oiled ship, where all children not only wore uniform but seemed to all be in unison - fine of you want your child to go with the flow and for a child who will just slot in to a well established system - but not so great, I suspect for the vulnerable child who also needs to be their own unique person as well as belong to a school organism - something that grows with vibrancy and vitality - rather than just conforming and being stifled and coming out of a one size fits all, mould. Likewise, well oiled schools with a hint of uniformity, you are not on my list.
Some schools I had suggested to me, were nigh impossible to get passed the receptionist.
We have already done 5 viewings, she said. We are very popular and we will be oversubscribed, she said.
Well, I couldn't be bothered to remind them that all the admissions selection was done centrally or wish to explain that as my child was looked after or would be newly adopted, they would take priority as I didn't feel that I really wanted to deal with a receptionist every school day who was so rude, opinionated or dismissive. Sorry rude and oversubscribed school, despite getting OFSTED Outstanding, you are also off my list.
I did look at many schools and ask around and collected many brochures before PJ came to me and again once she was with me.
I put down 2 schools.
The admissions form recommends parents put down 3 schools.
School choice number 1 is a small school, recommended by my boss as she has worked with the head. Small, nurturing, caring, with inclusion high on the agenda. I liked the head and the receptionist and they were both very calm in manner and friendly, when I visited the school. It is close to where PJ goes to Nursery which I hope will help her make some connections and there may well be some other wee friends from the Nursery transferring there too. It has before and after school care on site and is on my way to work and not far from where we live.
I put down where I work as my school number 2 choice. 2nd because I am not convinced PJ will adjust well to me working with other children and it might be best for both of us to have some independence. It is a fabulous school and very caring and nurturing, so it has been in my thoughts but hand on heart, I think it would be hard for us both to be in the same place. I would rather drop her off knowing she is in a safe and happy and caring school, where she can develop and grow and flourish and make friends and I can go and do my job and work hard and then pick her up at the end of our day.
So, we wait.
I am planning for the transition.
I am planning on returning to work and am working on a phased return initially to ease my way back in to work and up some of PJ's Nursery sessions this next term. This will hopefully prepare her for a little more social time at Nursery in preparation for doing 5 full days in September. I hope that by PJ being in Nursery for a few more sessions each week, this will lessen the separation anxiety that kicks in. I am hoping that planning a few Nursery retainer sessions in some of the long Summer holiday weeks will help maintain some sense of routine and structure for PJ and thus lessen the huge transition.
This is all running alongside our continuing getting up and getting dressed routine and getting ready earlier to leave the house. We have come a long way from the little girl screaming over every item of clothing and taking several hours to do this - don't plan on doing anything in the mornings, I was advised by her social workers and give yourself plenty of time when you need to leave the house at a certain time her foster carers had said.
We have a long way to go. Can she dress herself, a family member asks? No, I say. We have focused ion putting clothes on - clothes on herself would be too much to ask. We are working on it. Piece by piece. Gradually, slowly.
We are working on following instructions and practising listening skills - we run to certain places in the park and we work on some schedules and patterns to our days - and Nursery are working on so many other things for PJ and helping filling In several social and emotional gaps in her "wall" that are glaringly obvious and staring at us in the face in her EYFS Learning Journey from last term's parent's evening.
We have a long way to go before I will be dropping her off early at before school club and her looooong days in school for 5 days, that will relentlessly continue and then re-start after the weekend - for approximately 12 years.
Learning to sit still, to join in, to feel settled and calm enough to not run around in and on and under and through things. For PJ to feel secure enough that she will let go of control enough to allow another person - the adult - the teacher - to invest in her life. Being secure and happy with her peers to share and take turns without resorting to controlling others. These are a few of my transition to school concerns.
I hope the transition is planned well and that the visits to school start very soon and that they are often and help PJ get to school - every day, on time and for her to enjoy school - and for others to enjoy being with her in school - and for her to learn - A lot is at stake - the pressure is on - this transition is huge - Dear Local Authority, I hope you help me to make this transition work. For all our sakes.
School will be a big part of our lives for a long time.
Transition well.
Leaps and jumps won't work.
Smooth is what we need.
Acceptance and a welcome, would be nice.
Belonging.
Which school will it be, or will I need to appeal?
I will let you know.
As soon as I know.
A week to wait.
I don't know.
I wait with bated breath.
All is still... and at times, not very calm.
I am told that the system is that my local authority will give me my preferred choice but I have heard and read some horror stories about the process of school admissions and the appeal process.
I have made my choice and filled in all the forms by the deadline of January 2013 and social workers have also written letters of support to go with the application.
And now we wait, for next week to see what happens and how well the transition to school goes. Big school. We have been talking about going to big school since PJ came last Summer.
She points to schools and says - I could go there, Mummy - I have to say - I have chosen a really lovely place but we need to wait and see which school you will go to when we find out if they say yes - not easy for a little girl who has anxieties and controlling behaviours - she has in her head picked her own school a million times - but the system doesn't allow us to begin to start the transition process until after mid April 2013.
It hasn't been an easy road to make my choice in the months before the applications were due in - my very local schools are large - around 350 - and I feel PJ will be lost at sea in such large school systems. Larger schools, you are not on my list.
Other smaller local schools to where we live didn't have before and after school care on site - they either, walk to and from school to the before and after school club, or they go by minibus - both of which are too vague and transient for a child who is vulnerable, needs routine and structure to breed security - and also a child who as yet has no sense of danger or road sense! I crossed all those schools off the list. Sorry.
Some, I visited, ran a very tightly oiled ship, where all children not only wore uniform but seemed to all be in unison - fine of you want your child to go with the flow and for a child who will just slot in to a well established system - but not so great, I suspect for the vulnerable child who also needs to be their own unique person as well as belong to a school organism - something that grows with vibrancy and vitality - rather than just conforming and being stifled and coming out of a one size fits all, mould. Likewise, well oiled schools with a hint of uniformity, you are not on my list.
Some schools I had suggested to me, were nigh impossible to get passed the receptionist.
We have already done 5 viewings, she said. We are very popular and we will be oversubscribed, she said.
Well, I couldn't be bothered to remind them that all the admissions selection was done centrally or wish to explain that as my child was looked after or would be newly adopted, they would take priority as I didn't feel that I really wanted to deal with a receptionist every school day who was so rude, opinionated or dismissive. Sorry rude and oversubscribed school, despite getting OFSTED Outstanding, you are also off my list.
I did look at many schools and ask around and collected many brochures before PJ came to me and again once she was with me.
I put down 2 schools.
The admissions form recommends parents put down 3 schools.
School choice number 1 is a small school, recommended by my boss as she has worked with the head. Small, nurturing, caring, with inclusion high on the agenda. I liked the head and the receptionist and they were both very calm in manner and friendly, when I visited the school. It is close to where PJ goes to Nursery which I hope will help her make some connections and there may well be some other wee friends from the Nursery transferring there too. It has before and after school care on site and is on my way to work and not far from where we live.
I put down where I work as my school number 2 choice. 2nd because I am not convinced PJ will adjust well to me working with other children and it might be best for both of us to have some independence. It is a fabulous school and very caring and nurturing, so it has been in my thoughts but hand on heart, I think it would be hard for us both to be in the same place. I would rather drop her off knowing she is in a safe and happy and caring school, where she can develop and grow and flourish and make friends and I can go and do my job and work hard and then pick her up at the end of our day.
So, we wait.
I am planning for the transition.
I am planning on returning to work and am working on a phased return initially to ease my way back in to work and up some of PJ's Nursery sessions this next term. This will hopefully prepare her for a little more social time at Nursery in preparation for doing 5 full days in September. I hope that by PJ being in Nursery for a few more sessions each week, this will lessen the separation anxiety that kicks in. I am hoping that planning a few Nursery retainer sessions in some of the long Summer holiday weeks will help maintain some sense of routine and structure for PJ and thus lessen the huge transition.
This is all running alongside our continuing getting up and getting dressed routine and getting ready earlier to leave the house. We have come a long way from the little girl screaming over every item of clothing and taking several hours to do this - don't plan on doing anything in the mornings, I was advised by her social workers and give yourself plenty of time when you need to leave the house at a certain time her foster carers had said.
We have a long way to go. Can she dress herself, a family member asks? No, I say. We have focused ion putting clothes on - clothes on herself would be too much to ask. We are working on it. Piece by piece. Gradually, slowly.
We are working on following instructions and practising listening skills - we run to certain places in the park and we work on some schedules and patterns to our days - and Nursery are working on so many other things for PJ and helping filling In several social and emotional gaps in her "wall" that are glaringly obvious and staring at us in the face in her EYFS Learning Journey from last term's parent's evening.
We have a long way to go before I will be dropping her off early at before school club and her looooong days in school for 5 days, that will relentlessly continue and then re-start after the weekend - for approximately 12 years.
Learning to sit still, to join in, to feel settled and calm enough to not run around in and on and under and through things. For PJ to feel secure enough that she will let go of control enough to allow another person - the adult - the teacher - to invest in her life. Being secure and happy with her peers to share and take turns without resorting to controlling others. These are a few of my transition to school concerns.
I hope the transition is planned well and that the visits to school start very soon and that they are often and help PJ get to school - every day, on time and for her to enjoy school - and for others to enjoy being with her in school - and for her to learn - A lot is at stake - the pressure is on - this transition is huge - Dear Local Authority, I hope you help me to make this transition work. For all our sakes.
School will be a big part of our lives for a long time.
Transition well.
Leaps and jumps won't work.
Smooth is what we need.
Acceptance and a welcome, would be nice.
Belonging.
Which school will it be, or will I need to appeal?
I will let you know.
As soon as I know.
A week to wait.
Friday, 8 March 2013
New Memories Created - Slowly
This last week we have finally embarked on branching out a little, with journeys a little further afield. I had tried to listen to advice given on the preparation group training and not plan any long journeys in the car until now. No big journeys or long holidays for at least 6 months, they said. Now, I have a lot of friends and family, all spread around the nation - and into the nations - and I love to travel and to have friends to stay as well as to go and stay with them. It has felt like a life sentence at times, cabin fever, my wings clipped, to remain so local and true to the cause but the wait has been worth it. PJ came to me from out of my local authority area, so travelling long distances - several hours - each way for part of our introductions meant loooong days for her when she did some initial visits to my home. We planned introductions to do several day visits before we began the overnight stays. The reason being, she was young and transition and change and past trauma of being moved could trigger anxieties for her at a very vulnerable stage of a major upheaval being imminent : her moving from her stable environment with her foster carers to live with me. The reason at Preparation group it is advised to take long journeys and holidays with caution, is it is too unsettling for them. Time and distance and new places can trigger fears of moving on again and wondering if we will ever go back to our home again that is, by all intents and purposes, still relatively new to them. We were told stories of families booking big holidays abroad in the first few months and then wondering why sleepless nights, unsettled behaviours and the children regress. Children who have travelled many hours to move to their new adoptive home might associate a long journey by car with returning to their foster placement again.
So, with all this in mind and gradually getting to know PJ, we have approached the idea of travelling and going away with care and given it time and preparation. When PJ first arrived, she would cry and become distressed and ask to go home when we got beyond our local park. I spent weeks driving the same pattern in the car to certain places, pointing out key landmarks on the way: the doctors, the postbox, a friends house, the park etc. as the weeks went by, PJ would audibly recite the route as we journeyed along it saying past the park, past the postbox where we post our letters, past our friends house where we go and play. It was like little connections, pieces of a jigsaw, falling into place. I hoped that this would breed a sense of security, the strange becoming familiar and help her orientation to a new place and give a firmer foundation for belonging.
Friends and family have visited us and have stayed overnight locally and I have gradually broadened our horizons with day trips of half hour car ride to an hour each way. I have picked places that have gradually increased our journeying time so we pass the previously visited places, to act as landmarks as we then ventured into new territory.
So, 6 months in, I had a plan. I planned a long day trip. We have met the people we went to for the day trip several times as they have come to see us and we skype and phone them regularly, which has helped, as well as photos of their home in PJ's Introduction book. Knowing that we had an overnight stay, looming, I also got her a little suitcase that I gave her the day before we did our day trip, that will be perfect for a few nights stay away once we get to that stage. We talked about going in the car early to get there for lunch and staying for tea and having a bath there and coming home in pyjamas to sleep in our own beds at home. She helped me pack her pyjamas and a towel and then added an interesting and rather eclectic mix of assorted "useful" items into the case as she saw fit! She then spent a lot of the day wheeling her new suitcase around and showing it off to friends. We had a truly fabulous day although, when we arrived some 2 hours later at our destination, just as I was turning off the car ignition she said: Mummy I want to go home! Knowing she says this often when we go anywhere, new or familiar, I uttered a few reassuring words and once we were out of the car, the adventure became quite magical. She loved the day and we had no wet pants, no tears, no regressive behaviours. She was my dream little girl!
This last week, we have done our first overnight stay with friends. Again, this was met with great excitement once I explained it all to her. She was a little hesitant about some of my plans but we got there in the end. She was unsure at visiting one of the places I mentioned, presumably fear of the unknown was kicking in, despite having previously met one of the friends we were meeting and seeing some photos of where we were going. We did go there but I introduced it as a place we would play, which seemed to settle some anxieties she had. It was actually the area where I grew up, so it will be a place that over the years we will visit often and she will hear stories over time of my memories and this place will grow up with her and hopefully help her connectedness develop. It was lovely to run around with her in some of the places I had run as a child and show her a few places I have begun to tell stories of. Then we went to the friends we were staying overnight with. I had taken her own duvet but of course she didn't want to use it! She took several hours to settle down to sleep - and woke up early saying: Mummy, let's not just stay for one sleep, let's stay for lots of sleeps! 5 sleeps.
it was great to hear and hopefully this has paved the way for many more journeys and adventures and holidays to come.
I can't wait!
So, with all this in mind and gradually getting to know PJ, we have approached the idea of travelling and going away with care and given it time and preparation. When PJ first arrived, she would cry and become distressed and ask to go home when we got beyond our local park. I spent weeks driving the same pattern in the car to certain places, pointing out key landmarks on the way: the doctors, the postbox, a friends house, the park etc. as the weeks went by, PJ would audibly recite the route as we journeyed along it saying past the park, past the postbox where we post our letters, past our friends house where we go and play. It was like little connections, pieces of a jigsaw, falling into place. I hoped that this would breed a sense of security, the strange becoming familiar and help her orientation to a new place and give a firmer foundation for belonging.
Friends and family have visited us and have stayed overnight locally and I have gradually broadened our horizons with day trips of half hour car ride to an hour each way. I have picked places that have gradually increased our journeying time so we pass the previously visited places, to act as landmarks as we then ventured into new territory.
So, 6 months in, I had a plan. I planned a long day trip. We have met the people we went to for the day trip several times as they have come to see us and we skype and phone them regularly, which has helped, as well as photos of their home in PJ's Introduction book. Knowing that we had an overnight stay, looming, I also got her a little suitcase that I gave her the day before we did our day trip, that will be perfect for a few nights stay away once we get to that stage. We talked about going in the car early to get there for lunch and staying for tea and having a bath there and coming home in pyjamas to sleep in our own beds at home. She helped me pack her pyjamas and a towel and then added an interesting and rather eclectic mix of assorted "useful" items into the case as she saw fit! She then spent a lot of the day wheeling her new suitcase around and showing it off to friends. We had a truly fabulous day although, when we arrived some 2 hours later at our destination, just as I was turning off the car ignition she said: Mummy I want to go home! Knowing she says this often when we go anywhere, new or familiar, I uttered a few reassuring words and once we were out of the car, the adventure became quite magical. She loved the day and we had no wet pants, no tears, no regressive behaviours. She was my dream little girl!
This last week, we have done our first overnight stay with friends. Again, this was met with great excitement once I explained it all to her. She was a little hesitant about some of my plans but we got there in the end. She was unsure at visiting one of the places I mentioned, presumably fear of the unknown was kicking in, despite having previously met one of the friends we were meeting and seeing some photos of where we were going. We did go there but I introduced it as a place we would play, which seemed to settle some anxieties she had. It was actually the area where I grew up, so it will be a place that over the years we will visit often and she will hear stories over time of my memories and this place will grow up with her and hopefully help her connectedness develop. It was lovely to run around with her in some of the places I had run as a child and show her a few places I have begun to tell stories of. Then we went to the friends we were staying overnight with. I had taken her own duvet but of course she didn't want to use it! She took several hours to settle down to sleep - and woke up early saying: Mummy, let's not just stay for one sleep, let's stay for lots of sleeps! 5 sleeps.
it was great to hear and hopefully this has paved the way for many more journeys and adventures and holidays to come.
Wednesday, 6 March 2013
Understanding
Oh, to be a well from which our children and young people can drink! I read this article from The Teenage Whisperer about groups - fabulous and timely, with my thoughts focused on my seminar planning, on the importance in understanding the 1. In the article she talks about understanding the young people we are working with, so that they then can in turn flourish - we act as the well, the resource, from which they can drink. I loved the analogy.
The power of a leader or a teacher or support worker to make or break inclusion for a young person or a child - will they feel happy and safe and secure to stay and to join in or will they shut down in fear and flight mode and withdraw or will they go into fight mode and kick off? We, as parents, teachers, children and youth workers, support workers have the power to be that catalyst for change - to make the difference to the successful inclusion for the more vulnerable members of our groups. The power to make the difference between included or exclusion, to belong or to be lost. I encourage us all as parents, leaders, teachers to continue to listen, to gain insight by looking for the clues, to go with the hunches that can then help bring a child or a young person on the fringe, gather them in, along with all our skills and tools to include and support them so they can then lower their heightened anxiety, the flight or fight desire lessened and allow safety and belonging and team and family to take hold. Knowing welcome, acceptance and love is the foundation for the opportunity for a child or a young person to begin to grow and flourish. It's the "I get you", "I will listen, I am here", "I believe in you, I will give you a chance."
Many times, with PJ, I find myself saying audibly to her in her moments of distress: "It's OK, I am right here" It is usually followed by a hug and then, once calm we deal with the saying sorry for the hitting and the picking of the thrown toys. We then talk about what had led to this moment - perhaps that I had asked her to do something that she didn't want to do. In the early months, when PJ first came to me and still at key times now like change in routine or new situations, she becomes so quickly distressed, the rage, the heightened anxiety, flight and fear and fight had taken such a strong hold on her - there was no point in giving a warning or talking about a consequence at that point - If one was given, she would simply fail and have a consequence, which would just be unfair and there would be little value in doing it. If she was at school or in a children's club and they moved her name down for example as part of their "behaviour system", she would be oblivious. Her name could be moved down several times, yellow cards or red cards could be shown of given and she would probably throw them back, screaming. A warning of a consequence at this moment would be fruitless. she could be asked to leave your fabulous children's club or youth programme and threatened with not being able to come back the next week and these would be just empty threats. You may carry them out, of course, but she ain't hearing you. She is on the edge of a deep, dark chasm and needs a lifeline. On the brink, I gather her in. Often into my arms, in those moments. I hope, that by understanding her, by recognising that "in that moment" she is unable to de-escalate, she lacks the skills to calm herself down, she ain't hearing me talk to her, she is focused entirely on fight - she is hitting and kicking and throwing. I sometimes distance myself, very briefly, so I don't get hit again, make sure she is safe and stay close by and start the calming process. I hold and soothe, reassure, comfort until the meltdown subsides.
She is not abandoned, she is not alone, I am right there and will be there with her gently leading and calming her through this.
Understanding.
I want more of it.
I want others, those working with my child to understand.
She wants and needs and desperately yearns to be understood.
It's just that the heart cry often comes out as opting out, disengaging, refusing, challenging, pushing away.
The power of a leader or a teacher or support worker to make or break inclusion for a young person or a child - will they feel happy and safe and secure to stay and to join in or will they shut down in fear and flight mode and withdraw or will they go into fight mode and kick off? We, as parents, teachers, children and youth workers, support workers have the power to be that catalyst for change - to make the difference to the successful inclusion for the more vulnerable members of our groups. The power to make the difference between included or exclusion, to belong or to be lost. I encourage us all as parents, leaders, teachers to continue to listen, to gain insight by looking for the clues, to go with the hunches that can then help bring a child or a young person on the fringe, gather them in, along with all our skills and tools to include and support them so they can then lower their heightened anxiety, the flight or fight desire lessened and allow safety and belonging and team and family to take hold. Knowing welcome, acceptance and love is the foundation for the opportunity for a child or a young person to begin to grow and flourish. It's the "I get you", "I will listen, I am here", "I believe in you, I will give you a chance."
Many times, with PJ, I find myself saying audibly to her in her moments of distress: "It's OK, I am right here" It is usually followed by a hug and then, once calm we deal with the saying sorry for the hitting and the picking of the thrown toys. We then talk about what had led to this moment - perhaps that I had asked her to do something that she didn't want to do. In the early months, when PJ first came to me and still at key times now like change in routine or new situations, she becomes so quickly distressed, the rage, the heightened anxiety, flight and fear and fight had taken such a strong hold on her - there was no point in giving a warning or talking about a consequence at that point - If one was given, she would simply fail and have a consequence, which would just be unfair and there would be little value in doing it. If she was at school or in a children's club and they moved her name down for example as part of their "behaviour system", she would be oblivious. Her name could be moved down several times, yellow cards or red cards could be shown of given and she would probably throw them back, screaming. A warning of a consequence at this moment would be fruitless. she could be asked to leave your fabulous children's club or youth programme and threatened with not being able to come back the next week and these would be just empty threats. You may carry them out, of course, but she ain't hearing you. She is on the edge of a deep, dark chasm and needs a lifeline. On the brink, I gather her in. Often into my arms, in those moments. I hope, that by understanding her, by recognising that "in that moment" she is unable to de-escalate, she lacks the skills to calm herself down, she ain't hearing me talk to her, she is focused entirely on fight - she is hitting and kicking and throwing. I sometimes distance myself, very briefly, so I don't get hit again, make sure she is safe and stay close by and start the calming process. I hold and soothe, reassure, comfort until the meltdown subsides.
She is not abandoned, she is not alone, I am right there and will be there with her gently leading and calming her through this.
Understanding.
I want more of it.
I want others, those working with my child to understand.
She wants and needs and desperately yearns to be understood.
It's just that the heart cry often comes out as opting out, disengaging, refusing, challenging, pushing away.
Tuesday, 19 February 2013
The Strangely Familiar
Don't travel too far when the adoptive placement starts they said. Don't plan on any big family gatherings, no big family holidays, definitely we wouldn't recommend going abroad - for at least 6 months. Oh, and no big house changes or changes in circumstances for at least a year.
We began our new family life and I intended to take it slowly. I planned on slowly introducing PJ to new family members, new places, new friends slowly - which I did do - gradually over those first few weeks we "met" my close friends - they would come to our house - so that it was on our turf, our terms - and friends stayed for just a short time. PJ is very bright and articulate, hyper vigilant, remembers everything and everyone. I tried to be mindful of these things and tried to prepare her, so to lower the anxieties. Her Introduction book had photos of me and the house and the cat and a few carefully selected close friends and close family members we would meet in those early weeks. A few friends gradually come and play with PJ and I for about half an hour or an hour at a time. It seems to go OK. She brings out a strange selection of toys that we hadn't really played with together during Introductions. The doctors set, containing some "joke" cut fingers. PJ thinks it is hilarious, my friends think it is gross but dutifully play with her and steer her towards the other items in the doctors set. After they leave, there is a huge puddle on the floor of wet pants. This pattern continues with the arrival of anyone home for the first months. Friends arrive, out comes the doctors set and the joke fingers, they leave and there is a puddle on the floor.
I thought I was prepared.
I was, except PJ is an individual, has anxieties and past trauma as well as been uprooted from everything she has known. Everything and everyone. Everything familiar and previously known has either gone or has been uprooted and moved. Familiar toys are in a new place in a strange room. No person we meet and no place we go to is familiar. We go to the park. We've looked at photos of it before we go and it becomes a seemingly enjoyable experience. Home and the park, our park, become relatively safe. The strangely familiar. I am the most known person to her, now and we have only known each other for an increased amount of time for a few weeks. The reality is, that during the Introductions of several weeks, we still hadn't spent 12 hours together in a 24 hours period until she came home to be with me for the last leg of Introductions. We go to the park everyday. It becomes part of our daily routine, our new ritual. It all still very new for her, the strangely familiar.
We go beyond the park to the river after a few weeks. I thought it would be nice to see the swans and the boats. She becomes distressed and cries and starts saying I want to go home Mummy. We need to go back. I want to go home Mummy. She clings to me and becomes anxious. We return to the familiar park, reassuring her all the time. she seems to relax a little and we return home. The strangely familiar is more strange than familiar.
Taking her to a supermarket - even if the supermarket was the same brand name - was a completely new experience, new turf, the unknown, the never been here before, place. The trolley is different, the store layout is different, no one walking down the aisles is familiar, the car park is different, the journey to and from the supermarket is different. Heightened anxiety, hyper vigilance, fear, fright, flight takes hold. We kept it to a minimum. I pre-stocked the freezer and cupboards with familiar foods, and meals, based on the list the foster carer had given me that I had requested, prior to Introductions starting. Family stocked the fridge with fresh milk and fresh food prior to us arriving home for the last leg of Introductions. Friends turned up at tea time with a home cooked meal to drop off for us to eat - for the first week - which we then extended for 10 days - so that I could focus on PJ and not worry about having hot things and knives in the same breath, when it was the start of being the wrong end of the day to leave PJ alone whilst I cooked tea. I did Internet shopping for the first few weeks and we went in the buggy to the same small local store if we could. After a month we did a bigger shop. To a bigger store. Not the green one Mummy, not the green one, she cried. No, it's OK, I reassured, we are going to the yellow one. For some reason the thought of going to the green store, triggered a memory, a past trauma that resulted in some anxieties. We went to the yellow store. It was tough going for us both. She refused to go in the trolley, tripped on the wheel of the trolley and bashed her nose. And cried. I cradled her in my arms and did my best to soothe and calm her as we both and the trolley queued at the checkout. With everyone staring. 4.30pm is the wrong side of the day to be doing this, I tell myself. Shopping with a 3 year old is strangely familiar to me, too.
We began our new family life and I intended to take it slowly. I planned on slowly introducing PJ to new family members, new places, new friends slowly - which I did do - gradually over those first few weeks we "met" my close friends - they would come to our house - so that it was on our turf, our terms - and friends stayed for just a short time. PJ is very bright and articulate, hyper vigilant, remembers everything and everyone. I tried to be mindful of these things and tried to prepare her, so to lower the anxieties. Her Introduction book had photos of me and the house and the cat and a few carefully selected close friends and close family members we would meet in those early weeks. A few friends gradually come and play with PJ and I for about half an hour or an hour at a time. It seems to go OK. She brings out a strange selection of toys that we hadn't really played with together during Introductions. The doctors set, containing some "joke" cut fingers. PJ thinks it is hilarious, my friends think it is gross but dutifully play with her and steer her towards the other items in the doctors set. After they leave, there is a huge puddle on the floor of wet pants. This pattern continues with the arrival of anyone home for the first months. Friends arrive, out comes the doctors set and the joke fingers, they leave and there is a puddle on the floor.
I thought I was prepared.
I was, except PJ is an individual, has anxieties and past trauma as well as been uprooted from everything she has known. Everything and everyone. Everything familiar and previously known has either gone or has been uprooted and moved. Familiar toys are in a new place in a strange room. No person we meet and no place we go to is familiar. We go to the park. We've looked at photos of it before we go and it becomes a seemingly enjoyable experience. Home and the park, our park, become relatively safe. The strangely familiar. I am the most known person to her, now and we have only known each other for an increased amount of time for a few weeks. The reality is, that during the Introductions of several weeks, we still hadn't spent 12 hours together in a 24 hours period until she came home to be with me for the last leg of Introductions. We go to the park everyday. It becomes part of our daily routine, our new ritual. It all still very new for her, the strangely familiar.
We go beyond the park to the river after a few weeks. I thought it would be nice to see the swans and the boats. She becomes distressed and cries and starts saying I want to go home Mummy. We need to go back. I want to go home Mummy. She clings to me and becomes anxious. We return to the familiar park, reassuring her all the time. she seems to relax a little and we return home. The strangely familiar is more strange than familiar.
Taking her to a supermarket - even if the supermarket was the same brand name - was a completely new experience, new turf, the unknown, the never been here before, place. The trolley is different, the store layout is different, no one walking down the aisles is familiar, the car park is different, the journey to and from the supermarket is different. Heightened anxiety, hyper vigilance, fear, fright, flight takes hold. We kept it to a minimum. I pre-stocked the freezer and cupboards with familiar foods, and meals, based on the list the foster carer had given me that I had requested, prior to Introductions starting. Family stocked the fridge with fresh milk and fresh food prior to us arriving home for the last leg of Introductions. Friends turned up at tea time with a home cooked meal to drop off for us to eat - for the first week - which we then extended for 10 days - so that I could focus on PJ and not worry about having hot things and knives in the same breath, when it was the start of being the wrong end of the day to leave PJ alone whilst I cooked tea. I did Internet shopping for the first few weeks and we went in the buggy to the same small local store if we could. After a month we did a bigger shop. To a bigger store. Not the green one Mummy, not the green one, she cried. No, it's OK, I reassured, we are going to the yellow one. For some reason the thought of going to the green store, triggered a memory, a past trauma that resulted in some anxieties. We went to the yellow store. It was tough going for us both. She refused to go in the trolley, tripped on the wheel of the trolley and bashed her nose. And cried. I cradled her in my arms and did my best to soothe and calm her as we both and the trolley queued at the checkout. With everyone staring. 4.30pm is the wrong side of the day to be doing this, I tell myself. Shopping with a 3 year old is strangely familiar to me, too.
Monday, 18 February 2013
Finding Our Rhythm of Family Life
I wonder what is the Rhythm of your Family Life?
It's half term for many, so is it a chance to kick back and do things differently, or take things at a slower pace? Transition and change - especially for the holidays can be a challenge as well as a joy. The change in routine can - and does throw some children, not just the child who is adopted.
PJ loves routine - it brings stability and breeds security - it is like the receiving blanket that she perhaps didn't have when she was a baby. Routine and structure is her: it's OK I am here, you are safe. You can relax. I am here. This is the Love of basic trust. The foundational bit a newborn receives in those early months. Except for PJ her basic foundational trust either wasn't built on firm foundations at all or simply wasn't there. The receiving blanket of trust of food not being there or provided all the time, the change of many care givers, the cries that weren't calmed perhaps often, or that rocking that rocked her world with domestic violence has shaken and stirred her, from deep within. It has been a rocky start.
We are early into the adoptive placement, nearly 6 months and our pace of family life is still finding it's optimum rhythm. I am trying to find the right pace for life to not rock her world too much, whilst introducing the concept that life isn't always the same. Some things change and do change and that despite the change, we are OK. life carries on.
I have stuck to the same daily routine she had known from her foster carers and her bedtime routines and favourite and familiar foods to try and cushion the rocking of her world with the transition and change as we try and form a new family. Together. A new team.
I am familiar with leading teams. Whole classes that changed every year as a class teacher, where we would network with the previous class teacher to find out about each child, whole school ethos's would be developed for simple things like do we all write the date on the top left or right hand of the page, or do we all mark with a smiley face, or do we all give positive praise and rewards for the same things? These similarities and common practise can really help a child moving from one year to another with transition and change, for them to succeed.
I have led International teams of children and young people and families into nations where we have all had to learn to adapt, to be flexible, to take on a whole new culture and to be team - and in a sense, to be family together. As a team leader, during these times, I have learnt to put in place a daily schedule, good team fun times, plan our meal times, bedtimes and when and where we might shower and wash our clothes. Each time we move to a new location, our rhythm changes and we adapt. It takes time and is a necessary part of their transition. We re-group. Orientation happens. We spend the day learning about the new place we are in, the new culture and spend time exploring the new place with lots of family team time fun before we get on with the rest of our team purpose. As leader, I watch for the warning signs that the team is tired or needs more and we change accordingly. Lead so they can follow, without leaving them all behind.
Now, as a new Mummy, I am building a new team. A family. It's a new breed. Me and PJ. Never been done before. There are times when I feel I am taming a wild horse. Learning to grapple with the reins is a learning process all the time. New places and meeting new people take it's toll. I try and re-group after these times. I try and cushion busy days with quieter days, like I have known with teams. like a buffer, I surround the new with something more low key, something that is more relaxing. Time to process, time to be just us, time to re-adjust, re-align, re-group, to re-merge.
We go out for a busy day and the next day we kick back a little by staying home based where we do some craft, play and then go to the park. Friday nights are becoming known as the extremely popular movie night where we watch a DVD and eat hot dogs or chicken nuggets or a pizza on the sofa.
Over the Christmas holidays we did a few Saturday type days, she is growing more accustomed to. PJ loves to be in her pyjamas, so much so that she would happily be in them all day. Wearing any clothes and getting dressed can be a challenge. I have tried to add Saturday mornings as pyjamas mornings as a bit of a motivator. Is it the weekend? she will say. Can we watch telly with our pyjamas on? Yes I say. She beams. She loves it. Weekdays are distinctly different, more so next year when she starts school and I will go back to work. I am trying to prepare us both now.
I am aiming for us both to be up and dressed weekdays by 8.30am and after half term I am going to aim for 8.15am. It's gonna be a killer. I know. We will get there. We've gone from the pyjama preference and ensuing tantrums over wearing any clothes by about 10.30am to being ready for 9am. We are a work in progress.
This year, we have some Nursery days, some days when we do other things like toddler dance or toddler group and other days when we meet up with someone or travel a bit further afield on a day trip and other days where it is just us.
Who's coming today, Mummy? she says.
No one I say, it is just us. She loves it.
You see, our Rhythm of our Family Life needs to be a mix of both busy and also time for us. We are family and in this for the long haul. Pj needs to grow into the security that our rhythm of family life might change and it does and will continue to change but even so, we are still: Family.
Safe and secure. Just us.
I hope you find your Rhythm for your Family Life.
It's half term for many, so is it a chance to kick back and do things differently, or take things at a slower pace? Transition and change - especially for the holidays can be a challenge as well as a joy. The change in routine can - and does throw some children, not just the child who is adopted.
PJ loves routine - it brings stability and breeds security - it is like the receiving blanket that she perhaps didn't have when she was a baby. Routine and structure is her: it's OK I am here, you are safe. You can relax. I am here. This is the Love of basic trust. The foundational bit a newborn receives in those early months. Except for PJ her basic foundational trust either wasn't built on firm foundations at all or simply wasn't there. The receiving blanket of trust of food not being there or provided all the time, the change of many care givers, the cries that weren't calmed perhaps often, or that rocking that rocked her world with domestic violence has shaken and stirred her, from deep within. It has been a rocky start.
We are early into the adoptive placement, nearly 6 months and our pace of family life is still finding it's optimum rhythm. I am trying to find the right pace for life to not rock her world too much, whilst introducing the concept that life isn't always the same. Some things change and do change and that despite the change, we are OK. life carries on.
I have stuck to the same daily routine she had known from her foster carers and her bedtime routines and favourite and familiar foods to try and cushion the rocking of her world with the transition and change as we try and form a new family. Together. A new team.
I am familiar with leading teams. Whole classes that changed every year as a class teacher, where we would network with the previous class teacher to find out about each child, whole school ethos's would be developed for simple things like do we all write the date on the top left or right hand of the page, or do we all mark with a smiley face, or do we all give positive praise and rewards for the same things? These similarities and common practise can really help a child moving from one year to another with transition and change, for them to succeed.
I have led International teams of children and young people and families into nations where we have all had to learn to adapt, to be flexible, to take on a whole new culture and to be team - and in a sense, to be family together. As a team leader, during these times, I have learnt to put in place a daily schedule, good team fun times, plan our meal times, bedtimes and when and where we might shower and wash our clothes. Each time we move to a new location, our rhythm changes and we adapt. It takes time and is a necessary part of their transition. We re-group. Orientation happens. We spend the day learning about the new place we are in, the new culture and spend time exploring the new place with lots of family team time fun before we get on with the rest of our team purpose. As leader, I watch for the warning signs that the team is tired or needs more and we change accordingly. Lead so they can follow, without leaving them all behind.
Now, as a new Mummy, I am building a new team. A family. It's a new breed. Me and PJ. Never been done before. There are times when I feel I am taming a wild horse. Learning to grapple with the reins is a learning process all the time. New places and meeting new people take it's toll. I try and re-group after these times. I try and cushion busy days with quieter days, like I have known with teams. like a buffer, I surround the new with something more low key, something that is more relaxing. Time to process, time to be just us, time to re-adjust, re-align, re-group, to re-merge.
We go out for a busy day and the next day we kick back a little by staying home based where we do some craft, play and then go to the park. Friday nights are becoming known as the extremely popular movie night where we watch a DVD and eat hot dogs or chicken nuggets or a pizza on the sofa.
Over the Christmas holidays we did a few Saturday type days, she is growing more accustomed to. PJ loves to be in her pyjamas, so much so that she would happily be in them all day. Wearing any clothes and getting dressed can be a challenge. I have tried to add Saturday mornings as pyjamas mornings as a bit of a motivator. Is it the weekend? she will say. Can we watch telly with our pyjamas on? Yes I say. She beams. She loves it. Weekdays are distinctly different, more so next year when she starts school and I will go back to work. I am trying to prepare us both now.
I am aiming for us both to be up and dressed weekdays by 8.30am and after half term I am going to aim for 8.15am. It's gonna be a killer. I know. We will get there. We've gone from the pyjama preference and ensuing tantrums over wearing any clothes by about 10.30am to being ready for 9am. We are a work in progress.
This year, we have some Nursery days, some days when we do other things like toddler dance or toddler group and other days when we meet up with someone or travel a bit further afield on a day trip and other days where it is just us.
Who's coming today, Mummy? she says.
No one I say, it is just us. She loves it.
You see, our Rhythm of our Family Life needs to be a mix of both busy and also time for us. We are family and in this for the long haul. Pj needs to grow into the security that our rhythm of family life might change and it does and will continue to change but even so, we are still: Family.
Safe and secure. Just us.
I hope you find your Rhythm for your Family Life.
Friday, 15 February 2013
The Twists and Turns
This week has had several twists and turns but within the twists of the harder moments, there have been some great turns. You know, those teachable moments, the pivotal moments of triumph and change. These moments are those I am thankful for but wish we hadn't had to have the twist at the time as the twists have a sting in the tail, don't they. Anyway, here I am, Fridayevening after a busy but fun day out and about and writing this for my 3 reasons the be cheerful and also linking in with the Weekly Adoption Shout Out too. It has been an eventful week.
First up, I am really thankful for the NHS - topical, I know, but they really helped us this week with our unexpected visit to A and E with PJ. I was beginning to think that I had survived our first 6 months together without a trip to A and E.... when....we had been to a party the day before and she had been given a bracelet in her party bag - and yes, she broke the bracelet. I quickly gathered up the beads and we put them in a pocket and then she uttered the words every parent dreads: Mummy I have a bead stuck up my nose! It had happened so fast, that at first I couldn't quite believe it as we had only just gathered up the beads. She was quite insistant that she had one up her nose, so I shone a torch up her nose and sure enough there was a bright blue bead shining right back at me! A and E was busy but we were seen really quite quickly and the Doctor got it out! PJ was very impressed and I was pleased that PJ was so brave and cooperative at the time too. The twist in the tail seemed to come later at bedtime, when she has taken a while to settle again to go to sleep for a few nights and hasn't wanted me to leave her. All calm again now but it has taken it's toll. I guess at some level, there must be the memories of past trauma that this unexpected hospital trip has triggered for her. Very thankful she is once again settling at nights really calmly.
Secondly, I am really thankful for PJ's buggy. It proved great when she seemed to complain and have a tantrum about everything and everything all the way round town and back home again. It started with not wanting to wear gloves and then quickly became the I don't want to get milk, which became I don't want the milk to be in my buggy, which then became I want a treat. A treat? I thought. No way. You have screamed all the way around town much to my complete embarassment and shame. I was so glad that she was in the buggy, as it made the experience more manageable for me. I had had lots of sympathy along the way from passers by who had been in our wake and heard the protests and stamping of wellies in the buggy. they had said: oh I get that too, or we have a grandson who does that or i have been there and done that. With all 3 children. It seemed little comfort to either of us, at the time. as for the treat, it would be a no. I determindly pushed the buggy out of the store and she began screaming about not wanting to leave the shop and then saying she didnt want to go home, we couldn't go home, she wouldn't let me go home. On arriving home she said she didn't like our home or want to live in our home anymore. She said she wanted to go back. I gave her a hug and then she calmed down. A few minutes later she was sat on the sofa and said she loved me all the time. I was so glad that she was in the buggy, as it made it all so much easier. I am also very thankful that I don't have these moments all day and everyday.
Thirdly is being thankful for PJ being more settled once again at Nursery. After she was poorly a few weeks ago and she was off Nursery, it has been hard work getting her settled back into Nursery again. Tears and Tantrums and Distress and Separation Anxiety all rolled into one. It has been a blip. One the one hand, is the fabulous opportunity for positive attachments to be made. the bonding, like a mother with a newborn, cuddling on the sofa time. It has been lovely having the nurturing time with her sat on my lap whilst we watch TV and DVDs but then the challenge of leaving her again at Nursery has been a hard one. This is the other hand. The twist in the turn. The separation anxiety that kicks in again, rearing it's ugly hea, that will calm with reassurance and the provenness that I will not abandon her. I will come back. I will come back soon. this is what Mummy's do. The I leave for a little while and then I come back for you, stuff. The turning point came again. It was much easier going there yesterday. A few protests but no tears. Hurrah. The tail has lost it's sting.
Last chance to add your valentines post to the All About Love blog hop!
First up, I am really thankful for the NHS - topical, I know, but they really helped us this week with our unexpected visit to A and E with PJ. I was beginning to think that I had survived our first 6 months together without a trip to A and E.... when....we had been to a party the day before and she had been given a bracelet in her party bag - and yes, she broke the bracelet. I quickly gathered up the beads and we put them in a pocket and then she uttered the words every parent dreads: Mummy I have a bead stuck up my nose! It had happened so fast, that at first I couldn't quite believe it as we had only just gathered up the beads. She was quite insistant that she had one up her nose, so I shone a torch up her nose and sure enough there was a bright blue bead shining right back at me! A and E was busy but we were seen really quite quickly and the Doctor got it out! PJ was very impressed and I was pleased that PJ was so brave and cooperative at the time too. The twist in the tail seemed to come later at bedtime, when she has taken a while to settle again to go to sleep for a few nights and hasn't wanted me to leave her. All calm again now but it has taken it's toll. I guess at some level, there must be the memories of past trauma that this unexpected hospital trip has triggered for her. Very thankful she is once again settling at nights really calmly.
Secondly, I am really thankful for PJ's buggy. It proved great when she seemed to complain and have a tantrum about everything and everything all the way round town and back home again. It started with not wanting to wear gloves and then quickly became the I don't want to get milk, which became I don't want the milk to be in my buggy, which then became I want a treat. A treat? I thought. No way. You have screamed all the way around town much to my complete embarassment and shame. I was so glad that she was in the buggy, as it made the experience more manageable for me. I had had lots of sympathy along the way from passers by who had been in our wake and heard the protests and stamping of wellies in the buggy. they had said: oh I get that too, or we have a grandson who does that or i have been there and done that. With all 3 children. It seemed little comfort to either of us, at the time. as for the treat, it would be a no. I determindly pushed the buggy out of the store and she began screaming about not wanting to leave the shop and then saying she didnt want to go home, we couldn't go home, she wouldn't let me go home. On arriving home she said she didn't like our home or want to live in our home anymore. She said she wanted to go back. I gave her a hug and then she calmed down. A few minutes later she was sat on the sofa and said she loved me all the time. I was so glad that she was in the buggy, as it made it all so much easier. I am also very thankful that I don't have these moments all day and everyday.
Thirdly is being thankful for PJ being more settled once again at Nursery. After she was poorly a few weeks ago and she was off Nursery, it has been hard work getting her settled back into Nursery again. Tears and Tantrums and Distress and Separation Anxiety all rolled into one. It has been a blip. One the one hand, is the fabulous opportunity for positive attachments to be made. the bonding, like a mother with a newborn, cuddling on the sofa time. It has been lovely having the nurturing time with her sat on my lap whilst we watch TV and DVDs but then the challenge of leaving her again at Nursery has been a hard one. This is the other hand. The twist in the turn. The separation anxiety that kicks in again, rearing it's ugly hea, that will calm with reassurance and the provenness that I will not abandon her. I will come back. I will come back soon. this is what Mummy's do. The I leave for a little while and then I come back for you, stuff. The turning point came again. It was much easier going there yesterday. A few protests but no tears. Hurrah. The tail has lost it's sting.
Last chance to add your valentines post to the All About Love blog hop!
Wednesday, 16 January 2013
Toddler Group Terrific Tuesdays!
The return to Toddler Group has now been renamed from Terrible Tuesdays to Toddler Group's Terrific Tuesdays!
Yippee!
Phew!
I actually enjoyed it!
I actually had a chance to talk to other adults!
I am just so delighted that PJ has begun to enjoy her time there with me too.
She arrived and went to the toys: various ride on's, noisy baby toys, trampoline, home corner things and even did a painting too! With an apron on!
Woo hoo!
Yippee!
Phew!
I actually enjoyed it!
I actually had a chance to talk to other adults!
I am just so delighted that PJ has begun to enjoy her time there with me too.
She arrived and went to the toys: various ride on's, noisy baby toys, trampoline, home corner things and even did a painting too! With an apron on!
Woo hoo!
Tuesday, 15 January 2013
Toddler Group Terrible Tuesdays
Nightmare! We went a few weeks ago, at a friend's kind suggestion, to a local Baby and Toddler Group. I thought we were both ready to branch out and try some new things. PJ had been with me for 3 months and the routine of going to her new Nursery was by now established and she was more settled and happy there. The socialisation skills she will learn and the opportunity to play will be great, I thought. And I will have the chance to play with her there as well as get to know some other Mums too, I mused. Bonus. Besides, my friend Sarah, who had suggested we go, also helped to run it. She had a little boy too, Harry, about PJ's age and we had met them a few times at our church. It is all about connections with PJ, to help lower the anxieties, to calm the fear. I thought that telling her we would be going and that we would see our friend Sarah and her little boy, Harry, would help allay any fears she might have. We will have a lovely time, I reassured her. It will be a nice and calm and chilled morning out, I told myself.
How wrong was I!
It was a battle ground.
She went into fight and flight mode and ran around like a whirling dervish.
Toys, babies or small toddlers on the ground, beware. PJ ran through them, into them and over them. I did my best to catch her, but she thought it was a game and ran faster. I did eventually catch her and sit her down.
Time out.
I did my best to talk calmly, soothingly. You know, all the stuff I have read about and experienced in the past in my job context. She seemed still. She got up and did the same again.
Running at great speed, she went for the slide. A tiny tot was tentatively tottering at the top. He didn't see her coming from behind. They slid down dramatically, together. I grabbed her halfway down to steady her and to slow her down. The baby cried. PJ screamed and hit and kicked. All the Mum's glared, or so it seemed, at me. I wanted to curl up and die and for the ground to swallow me up, right there. I did my best to say sorry to the wee tots parent and to stay focused on talking through the event with PJ and to remind her of being kind and steady and the need to share toys and take turns.
I tried.
Snack time was a disaster.
She made a bee line for the comfy sofas around the edge of the room and ran around, shrieking with delight, bouncing on and off, without a care for anyone or anything, or if she might hurt herself, or them. Talking to her, using a stern voice, or warning her of consequences wouldn't work either. She is in such a state of heightened high arousal at this point that she ain't hearing me.
A warning of a consequence would fall on deaf ears and then she would simply fail, which would be unfair on her. Holding her in a hug for her safety and the safety of others is what she needed and got. For whatever reason, past trauma or fear or memories, or this Baby and Toddler Group simply being a new place, this experience had triggered the basic fight instinct in PJ.
The Queen of Aggression and Fighting was in the room.
And she was going to win.
Let Battle commence.
She doesn't yet have the skills to calm herslef down or the skills to keep herself or others safe. That is my job. I needed to intervene and she needed reassurance that she was safe with me and that I would keep her safe. She wasn't feeling safe in the Baby and Toddler Group. New is scary, even if she portrayed a very over confident and aggressive exterior.
The second week was worse.
And the third week. Or so it seemed to me.
She seemed to go for particular children and hit and kick them.
Repeatedly.
When I withdrew her from the situation each time she did this and held her safe in my arms she screamed, kicked and hit me and headbutted me. Well, she tried to.
One lady came over at one point whilst I was holding PJ sobbing and yelling: get off me Mummy, and asked me if I was OK.
I'm fine I said, as PJ lay, now calm in my arms quietly sniffing.
During the third week, PJ was yelling to me that she wanted to go home.
Home was safe but here was not.
Would I take her home and give in?
I wanted to. After all, I had had what felt like weeks of other Mum's glares and the unspoken words of: haven't you got your 3 year old under control by now?
I wanted to yell out to everyone that: She has only been with me 3 months, this is all new for her, she has been through hell in the past. This is regression. We will get there. Once she has settled she will be fine. She loved her previous Toddler group and has now settled into Nursery. We will get through this, please give us a chance. But of course, I didn't say anything.
I didn't bring her home early either.
I simply said we were going to stay here and play together and that if she hit or kicked again I would bring her to the side again and we would stay together until she had calmed down. She didn't like it. It was hard work. We were both emotionally exhausted by the end of Baby and Toddler Group.
Week 4 was much better and we had talked a lot during the week about the structure of the Baby and Toddler Group and the toys and being kind.
She said: maybe I won't hit Harry. Maybe I will.
Maybe you won't, I said.
She didn't hit Harry.
She arrived and said: do you want to play Harry?
Yes he said.
They did.
Phew.
Week 5 was the Toddler group Christmas party.
She did great!
She even won some of the dance games. I was delighted and so was she.
Then we had 2 weeks off for Christmas.
I was dreading going back last week, I admit.
Would we be back to square one, I thought?
She said she didn't want to go but I told her again of the structure of the group and reminded her of the toys that would be there.
It was a dream.
She played happily and calmly.
I even got a chance to sit and chat with some other mum's there too.
The battleground of Baby and Toddler Group has been worth persevering with.
Resilience resumed. The ability to bounce back.
We bounced.
We go again today.
How wrong was I!
It was a battle ground.
She went into fight and flight mode and ran around like a whirling dervish.
Toys, babies or small toddlers on the ground, beware. PJ ran through them, into them and over them. I did my best to catch her, but she thought it was a game and ran faster. I did eventually catch her and sit her down.
Time out.
I did my best to talk calmly, soothingly. You know, all the stuff I have read about and experienced in the past in my job context. She seemed still. She got up and did the same again.
Running at great speed, she went for the slide. A tiny tot was tentatively tottering at the top. He didn't see her coming from behind. They slid down dramatically, together. I grabbed her halfway down to steady her and to slow her down. The baby cried. PJ screamed and hit and kicked. All the Mum's glared, or so it seemed, at me. I wanted to curl up and die and for the ground to swallow me up, right there. I did my best to say sorry to the wee tots parent and to stay focused on talking through the event with PJ and to remind her of being kind and steady and the need to share toys and take turns.
I tried.
Snack time was a disaster.
She made a bee line for the comfy sofas around the edge of the room and ran around, shrieking with delight, bouncing on and off, without a care for anyone or anything, or if she might hurt herself, or them. Talking to her, using a stern voice, or warning her of consequences wouldn't work either. She is in such a state of heightened high arousal at this point that she ain't hearing me.
A warning of a consequence would fall on deaf ears and then she would simply fail, which would be unfair on her. Holding her in a hug for her safety and the safety of others is what she needed and got. For whatever reason, past trauma or fear or memories, or this Baby and Toddler Group simply being a new place, this experience had triggered the basic fight instinct in PJ.
The Queen of Aggression and Fighting was in the room.
And she was going to win.
Let Battle commence.
She doesn't yet have the skills to calm herslef down or the skills to keep herself or others safe. That is my job. I needed to intervene and she needed reassurance that she was safe with me and that I would keep her safe. She wasn't feeling safe in the Baby and Toddler Group. New is scary, even if she portrayed a very over confident and aggressive exterior.
The second week was worse.
And the third week. Or so it seemed to me.
She seemed to go for particular children and hit and kick them.
Repeatedly.
When I withdrew her from the situation each time she did this and held her safe in my arms she screamed, kicked and hit me and headbutted me. Well, she tried to.
One lady came over at one point whilst I was holding PJ sobbing and yelling: get off me Mummy, and asked me if I was OK.
I'm fine I said, as PJ lay, now calm in my arms quietly sniffing.
During the third week, PJ was yelling to me that she wanted to go home.
Home was safe but here was not.
Would I take her home and give in?
I wanted to. After all, I had had what felt like weeks of other Mum's glares and the unspoken words of: haven't you got your 3 year old under control by now?
I wanted to yell out to everyone that: She has only been with me 3 months, this is all new for her, she has been through hell in the past. This is regression. We will get there. Once she has settled she will be fine. She loved her previous Toddler group and has now settled into Nursery. We will get through this, please give us a chance. But of course, I didn't say anything.
I didn't bring her home early either.
I simply said we were going to stay here and play together and that if she hit or kicked again I would bring her to the side again and we would stay together until she had calmed down. She didn't like it. It was hard work. We were both emotionally exhausted by the end of Baby and Toddler Group.
Week 4 was much better and we had talked a lot during the week about the structure of the Baby and Toddler Group and the toys and being kind.
She said: maybe I won't hit Harry. Maybe I will.
Maybe you won't, I said.
She didn't hit Harry.
She arrived and said: do you want to play Harry?
Yes he said.
They did.
Phew.
Week 5 was the Toddler group Christmas party.
She did great!
She even won some of the dance games. I was delighted and so was she.
Then we had 2 weeks off for Christmas.
I was dreading going back last week, I admit.
Would we be back to square one, I thought?
She said she didn't want to go but I told her again of the structure of the group and reminded her of the toys that would be there.
It was a dream.
She played happily and calmly.
I even got a chance to sit and chat with some other mum's there too.
The battleground of Baby and Toddler Group has been worth persevering with.
Resilience resumed. The ability to bounce back.
We bounced.
We go again today.
Saturday, 12 January 2013
Oh, It's Ruined!
PJ appeared in the bathroom, just as I was getting out of the shower. It can be a daily occurance - both me getting out of the shower, and her appearing from wherever I am, that is! Apparently, it is all to do with her being reassured that I am still there, I haven't left her abandonded and I still exist, even if I am not in the same room. Separation anxiety and I am constant, being explored.
I always try and reassure her by telling her where in the house I am going and what I am doing. I usually give her the option of following. We have gone from her screaming when I leave the room to her often being happy to be alone. For a while. She used to follow me everywhere, like a tiny toddler. To the loo, to answer the door, in the kitchen, to the phone. The unspoken, don't leave me. She ususally calls upstairs whilst I am in the shower: Are you OK, Mummy? Yes, I say and often she will come upstairs to say: Hi. how's it going? anyway, whilst I am showering.
This was one of those moments.
Mummy!
Yes.
Are you OK?
It's ruined, she cries and the thing crashes to the bathroom floor, loudly, adding to the drama of the event.
Can I fix it? I ask, helpfully.
No, she says and adds: You aren't very good at fixing things, she says.
I look down to see, what has apparently been ruined.
The thing.
The thing that has crashed dramatically to the bathroom floor.
The thing that I cannot fix.
A calculator... with the battery back come off.
*I think can manage that*
I quietly (and unbeknown to her) clip the back on and leave it downstairs on the table.
Sometime later....
She picks it up and gasps as she exclaims: Oh, you fixed it , Mummy!
*Beams*
*Seems impressed*
*Wanders off with fixed calculator*
I feel positively affirmed and a somewhat accomplished DIY fixer.
Yes!
I always try and reassure her by telling her where in the house I am going and what I am doing. I usually give her the option of following. We have gone from her screaming when I leave the room to her often being happy to be alone. For a while. She used to follow me everywhere, like a tiny toddler. To the loo, to answer the door, in the kitchen, to the phone. The unspoken, don't leave me. She ususally calls upstairs whilst I am in the shower: Are you OK, Mummy? Yes, I say and often she will come upstairs to say: Hi. how's it going? anyway, whilst I am showering.
This was one of those moments.
Mummy!
Yes.
Are you OK?
It's ruined, she cries and the thing crashes to the bathroom floor, loudly, adding to the drama of the event.
Can I fix it? I ask, helpfully.
No, she says and adds: You aren't very good at fixing things, she says.
I look down to see, what has apparently been ruined.
The thing.
The thing that has crashed dramatically to the bathroom floor.
The thing that I cannot fix.
*I think can manage that*
I quietly (and unbeknown to her) clip the back on and leave it downstairs on the table.
Sometime later....
She picks it up and gasps as she exclaims: Oh, you fixed it , Mummy!
*Beams*
*Seems impressed*
*Wanders off with fixed calculator*
I feel positively affirmed and a somewhat accomplished DIY fixer.
Yes!
Wednesday, 9 January 2013
Wagamamas Moment
Went to Wagamamas tonight for tea. It was quite a sight to behold. PJ wore her new dress we got as a welcome gift. It twirls when she spins round and she calls it her dress with sprinkles on. We were treated to tea by one of our friends. PJ was amazed by the length of the noodles and was enthralled by chopsticks. She gave it her best shot and then they gave her some children's ones, which were more like tweezers - and more successful. She loved it. All of it. We are still on a learning curve, with going to "cafes" (restaurants) as she likes to call them. Overcome with excitement, in between courses, we went outside to ease the waiting time and hopefully calm down - as well as ease things for everyone else in the restaurant. You see, she had been crawling around floor under the table and using a napkin to clean, she explained to anyone and everyone who might care to listen. A man helpfully called out: she's over here, from the back of the restaurant. Thank you, I meekly said. She crawls and cleans floors fast, I thought, deciding to keep my thoughts to myself this time. So, PJ and I went outside for a breather, leaving our friend to order dessert and kindly pay. Outside, she ran up and down the steps and we went rather impulsively it seems breezed into a men's tailor's shop and played hide and seek with the shop assistant in between some rather lovely suits. I remained calmer, I think, than I would have a few months ago. I am learning, as I see for myself, that new places and experiences result in either anxieties or overconfident behaviours. I am also learning, as I see for myself, that if I keep taking PJ to new places and new experiences that they will slowly become more familiar and therefore less stressful. For us all.
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