Monday, 28 January 2013

One Day A Mum Dream

It's fair to say that after The Few had made their voices heard, it knocked me sideways for a while. Considerably. If I am honest. I had been shocked and surprised by their thoughts and responses. I did cry for weeks and yes I was angry at the cruel words that had stung in my face like ice. I wrestled with the reasons and tried to work out where was truth in this, if anywhere?  I doubted and questioned my own confidence and my own capabilities. Could I parent - and on my own? Was I mad to contemplate this?
What would I do if.... scenarios played in my head.
What will I do when?
How will I?
As my own voice grew stronger, so did some of the answers to their questions and the seeds of doubt sewn, gradually dispelled.
I found my voice, the voice of One,which became less aggressive in my head - too - over the following weeks - as my own reasoning and deep beliefs and longings resurfaced and overtook the anger towards the voices of Few and the disappointment that had ensued.
It was true, I was hugely disappointed by some of the hurtful things that had been said. The words had left me feeling half a person.
Wounded and hurt, inadequate - and single.
And alone.
Loneliness swirled around me and swamped me.
Single and childless.
I had retirement to look forward to, I guess.
Giving up on this dream, the glimmer of hope, the first hurdle in this adoption process seemed wrong.
It would mean carrying on regardless - possibly without their blessing. Their blessing that might also mean their support - practically and emotionally. The reality of them not perhaps being involved in our lives was a harsh one to face.
Was I prepared to take the risk?
You hear of families and or friendships being lost over this kind of thing.
The rift. The fall out.
Where would that leave me?
Where would that leave them?
And what would life be like for a child if there was such a loss of friendship, or life with such disapproval?
I tried to talk with some friends and family over the next few weeks, leading up to the Adoption Preparation Group days. It wasn't easy. Not everything was easily resolved. I wasn't sure if time would be a healer or if having their blessing would happen. Not yet. Maybe never.
Could I do that?
Am I strong enough?
What are the repercussions of my choices?
After all, children need friends and family around them, don't they?
However,  encouraged and cheered along by the voices of Many, who had encouraged and affirmed and re-affirmed me for who I was, who I am and the potential for who I will become.
I found my inner voice. I stood on my own two feet. I had wings. I wanted to fly. Or at least try.
The dream.
A Mum.
One day.
That was it.
I wanted to be a Mum one day.
The dream lived on.
My One Day A Mum Dream.
But would I be allowed to adopt on my own, especially if not everyone agreed ? Would the adoption agency have an issue with some friends and family not supporting me? Did my support need to be unanimous? Was this true or was it an urban myth?
I have some amazing : we are behind you all they way, friends and family. Is that enough?
Preparation Group loomed.
Would my dream be given a chance to be fulfilled?

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