Saturday, 19 January 2013

The voice of One

The voice of One grew stronger and stronger over the ensuing weeks after the negative comments and reactions by a very few family and friends. It came through the tears that flowed as I went to sleep at night, rose in the morning, showered and drove to work.
My inner voice.
The voice of one.
The voice that began to unravel the knots that had entangled me. The voice that dug up the seeds of doubt that had been sown.
The questions that had been asked began to be answered in my head and heart.
I began speaking them out in bed, in the shower and as I drove to and from work.
How would I cope on my own? I don't know but i have been on my own for a long time and many many other people parent on their own.
Is the fear of the unknown a reason to not do something? Just because I am no0t sure of the future and what may or may not happen, is that a reason to not do this?
Why do I want to adopt? I have always wanted children and maybe this is the right way for me to have children.
Do I know what it is like to adopt? Well I am adopted myself so I have some experience - even though adoption is very different these days. Well not all of the issues are different. the roots of abandonment and rejection are the same and the feeling of being different and the desire for belonging are the same. Having worked with children in the care system and those with challenging behaviours and with social and emotional needs, I have some understanding, yes.
I knew that whilst I wouldn't quite know exactly what I was getting, I would have lots of background information about the child I was adopting, so it would be an informed choice. I also knew that whilst a birth child would be possibly unknown as in what would they look like, their personality, gender, I would see photos and learn a lot about my future child before I met them.
I would also be making a clear choice as to which child i would have and that the team of professionals surrounding me would also be a big part of this decision making process. I also knew that a birth child wouldn't be born clutching £50 notes and that a child I adopt also would arrive
with no money but they would come with their own possessions: clothes, toys.
Would I be able to afford it? No idea, but my finances would be looked into in ways that birth families would not be.
What will life be like when I am 70? I have no idea but I will probably be retired 2 years.
As for coming to terms with being single, it felt like a punishment. I felt that I was being judged or boxed into a tick box answer: the reason why I haven't got married and had children yet is because.... and the answer is: I haven't come to terms with being single. It felt like a stab in the heart. Especially from those few who voiced their concerns were all happily married and all had children of their own and all had married young. It seemed a sting in the tail.
The negative comments surrounding the principal of adoption were especially as I am adopted and they each knew that too, those who made these comments. Had they forgotten I am adopted? Did they feel this way about me? It was a painful time but I found my inner voice with a growing conviction.
I will push the door to adopt wide and with or without their blessing, however hard that may be, will continue to the next step.
As my inner voice became stronger, so did the ability to stand on my own 2 feet. Shakily, I got to my feet. I stood my ground.
I can do this.
I am not a half person.
I am me.
I am complete.
Besides, my own personal Christian faith was another inner strength. I wopuld continue to trust God for the outcome of this journey. Increasingly, I knew it was a journey I needed and wanted to do. My choice. I may always be single. I can do this. I can give this my best. i can be a fantastic Mum to someone very special who needs a Mum.
One fabulous parent must be better than one or 2 rubbish parent or parents.
the voice of Few had knocked me sideways.
The voice of one began to sing.
A beautiful song.
I had my own resilience.
I bounced back.

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