Sometimes I have it.
Sometimes I seem to have lots of it.
Sometimes I don't have much patience.
Sometimes, my Patience runs out, disappears and I just go Raaaaaah!
It has happened a few times this last week.
A conflict of interest, a challenge, a wrong that needs righting, a No when a Yes was hoped for, a tantrum and I have struggled to S-T-R-E-T-C-H that extra little bit - and I have gone Raaaaaah!
I have removed myself from PJ momentarily, after realising that in that split second I have gone Raaaaaah!
Almost in tears and shaking and having raised my voice, on several occasions this week, I have gone Raaaah!
I have gone Raaaah this week, after: the play dough was deliberately squidged repeatedly into the carpet,
Raaah! after the tantrum when the DVD was turned off at the right time but it was apparently not the one that had been chosen, despite it just being watched and seemingly enjoyed,
Raaah after the screams and pleading and tears and begging on and off for an hour for movie night when it is not our movie night day,
Raaah after the many refusals and running off and around in the opposite direction giggling several times when it is time to get dressed, or the time we need to leave the house, or the time we need to go home, or the time we need to get into the car, or the time to get back in the buggy.
Raaah after the doll, the strawberry, the knife and fork and spoon have each been been thrown across the room at me this week.
Raaah after the bedtime routine has been sabotaged with control issues of wanting to do things a different way, and not the usual routine we have grown into these last few months.
Raaah when joining in appropriately at the various groups we attend has not gone to plan and after several attempts to re- join in I have picked up PJ and we have come home early.
Patience at times has disappeared, this week.
Then, after I have gone Raaaah! I have walked away, out of the room, gone downstairs, left PJ safely in her room for a few seconds, gone to the bathroom, taken a few deep breaths, tried to re-compose myself and tried to remember who is supposed to be the grown up in all this.
I have returned, somewhat calmer, often to a tearful and sorry PJ, where those breakthrough moments occur, a sorry and a hug is exchanged and we tidy up the mess and return to do whatever it was we were trying to do before the outburst, the meltdown and the Raaah has occurred.
I feel racked with guilt in these moments after the Raaah.
By contrast, friends say I am doing really well.
Friends with a partner say that when they have had enough, they simply hand over to their other half to take over for a while.
But there is just me and PJ.
We have had some lovely days this week, some magical moments where there is not even a shadow of the merest raaah. We have had moments when there has been patience in action and moments when kind friends from my support network have been around our lives and played with, eaten with us, and eased and helped reinforce the boundaries and friends who have been here in the evenings to share laughter and food.
Even so, Raaaah hasn't been pretty.
I desperately need it.
I don't like Raaah!
I like Patience.