Regression visits our home on a regular basis at irregular times and at seemingly inappropriate moments and regularly outstays his welcome.
Regression occurs when my undivided attention is lost. The phone rings, a friend calls round, a professional visits, I am clearing away the main course from dinner and regression steps into the breach and takes centre stage.
There are several acts to this play.
Act One, Scene One: scribble on the walls, running around the room or bouncing on and off furniture, demanding attention, tears, hitting or kicking or throwing things or chasing the cat.
Act One. Scene Two: There may be silence in the regression as PJ becomes self absorbed, lost in her own little world whilst squidging play dough into the carpet or spaghetti on the plate or soup being sipped through a straw, or paint smeared all over her body and the floor and the table, or lip balm smeared all over hands and up the arms in a gooey, sticky mess as if it were soap.
Act Two is a quick escalating regression that occurs when faced with new experiences, which can go either way. Either we regress aggressively through taking control where being bossy, assertive, wanting to take charge and speaking over others are hallmarks. Running around like a whirling dervish in and over and through anything or anyone in it's wake is a common feature. Tears, tantrums, hitting, kicking and biting quickly become inter-twinned with these other features.
Act Three in this regression is the flip-side where anxieties flourish. Fear and flight take root. Of course running around, on and off furniture may feature as may tears and screams and kicks but running through this torrent is distress. Clingy, contrary, confused and crying like a baby, unsettled and unstable. Regression occurs when our world is rocked.
The foundations are void in places, so a few bricks of stability and routine being threatened and there is a gaping hole that is revealed. The fear of falling, falling, falling down in to a bottomless hole, is too great a risk. Resilience must be found from somewhere. From deep within her soul, a reversion to what is familiar and known is found.
The familiar fear, flight, fight pattern.
Regression to a time once known before: baby talk, throwing food, drinking with sippy cups or teats on a bottle.
Act Four is the final Act: The Aftermath. After new experiences, new places, change, new routine, new people and professionals visiting regression occurs. Tears, tantrums, wet pants, unsettled sleep, distressed crying, hitting, kicking, biting.
The final curtain of regression closes some days or weeks later as the symptoms subside. A few more bricks are placed deep within the cracks in the foundation stones and a sense of resilience, calm, peace and an "all is well with the world feeling" takes form.
It is something beautiful to behold.
We regress to move forward.
We dance with you regression.
Sometimes, we are on tippy toes.
Sometimes we stomp.
The dance of Regression.
How well do we dance?
Friday, 26 April 2013
Friday, 19 April 2013
The Ups and Downs of Today
The ups and downs of today have been typical of what can happen over a month or more - except that today, we have had it all in a day. I guess it sometimes happens this way.
We ride the surf, dip with the roller coaster ride and make the climb back up the hill to take the breathtaking view from the mountaintop.
PJ has a cold which started a couple of days ago, so at 6.30am she awoke saying she had earache and then promptly went back to sleep again. 7.50am PJ awoke, her nappy had leaked so we changed the bed, said hello to the cat and chased him downstairs for breakfast. Cereal. Today it was requested without milk. We went back upstairs to get dressed and then came back downstairs to watch a bit of CBeebies whilst I get ready, do some jobs and start the washing. The tears started when her drink spilled on her top and the top I got out the drawer to replace it, was not liked. I don't like that one, I want a different one. We had similar later with sobs, complete with snotty nose, over a change of leggings because a pink pair would be preferred to the blue pair I got form the drawer. on each occasion, I gave a hug, said no, reassured and asked again what it was we were about to go downstairs to do - watch telly - or play - and eventually the clothes were obligingly put on with considerable help, quickly and we went back downstairs.
We had tears over which DVD or CBeebies or how many programmes we were going to watch and I stood my ground. We had No's and not that toy, or that one, over suggestions of which toys might be played with. One toy would be suggested and seemingly agreed on but then when the toy was produced it was met with lots of No's and shaking of hands and head and tears. Today was play date with a wee friend - but the first time they had come to us, so I sensed a battle with control. Eventually, I struck gold and a quick suggestion alongside producing the toys and continuing to put them out ready and the tears subsided and a look of delight took hold. Briefly. PJ wanted to play with the toys in the hallway but I said no and then the tears and throwing of toys began. I tried diffusing the situation but a meltdown occurred. I went to sooth and got hit in the crossfire. I put her on the bottom step of the stairs and repeated the word No. Calm restored.
A friend of mine arrives for coffee en route, as the washing machine whirrs, with some welcome gifts for PJ and a new game is played together at the table, with PJ sitting on my lap and happily playing the matching game and chats happily to my friend who she has met once before, a few months ago.
PJ's wee play date friend arrives and all is well. They play well, my friend leaves to travel a long journey home, leaving me and PJ and wee play date friend and their Mum to chat and drink more coffee as the children play. A little aggression starts with some boundary pushing over a few familiar issues - can we go and see the cat, can we jump on the beds - which results in some hitting and kicking after the boundary is re-set. The step at the bottom of the stairs and a firm No results in the hitting and kicking continuing. Random, nearby items are grabbed and thrown: shoes and a basket. Each are removed and another hit in the response to the reminder of a No. I pick PJ up and carry her to her room and put her in her room, re- affirm that I do not like being hit and that it hurts and that we do not hit and go back downstairs. I am thankful for friends who go through similar experiences being around at times like this. My friend who came today for the wee play date has adopted her children too - so yes, she says, she carries one of her little ones to their room too, over similar issues and after similar responses to a No. by the time I am downstairs I am asking PJ if she is ready and she is saying yes and we go downstairs. It is time to say good bye to our wee play date friend and to tidy up together and then have lunch. We have a meltdown over tidying up. Toys thrown and then a quick recovery as I say she can watch some telly whilst I get lunch after we have tidied up together. it all gets done pretty good. More tears over lunch as she asks for a blanket to eat her lunch with and I say no and suggest a hoody if she is cold. The tears came because it seems as if only the blanket would do. I stood my ground again. After lunch we go out and get some jobs done. She lets me put on her shoes and gets in the buggy, asks for a blanket and sits really well as we got to a couple of shops. We return home to sign the birthday cards we are about to deliver and get in the car and go. It all goes smoothly and the present giving is a fun activity - and there is cake to share! We go to a nearby park and run around and play for a while before saying goodbye and getting back in the car to return home. A very quiet PJ, watching a DVD for our usually much loved and looked forward to weekly movie night - and PJ is clearly not feeling all that great - although her temperature still reads as OK.
It has been a busy day - with several things happening, seemingly all at once. This is life and some days are busy like this. Some days do have the emotional ups and downs, with the ups of the smiles and laughter and shared I love you moments and the downs of the hitting and kicking and tears and meltdowns and the pushing of boundaries.
I have remained firm and calm.
Probably helped along by drinking coffee with friends today.
The days has gotten easier as the day has gone on - and maybe the triggers of worry for PJ with 2 x different sets of friends coming to our house this morning on top of her not quite feeling well with her cold, caused more meltdowns and the regressive behaviours we have known to rear their ugly heads once more. Fleetingly.
Maybe an afternoon of the familiar - shopping, visiting a more familiar friend with the promise of a run around in theor local park and ending with the familiar movie night - has helped to calm the storm and for the ups and downs to stay on an even keel for a while.
The truth is, we could analyse the triggers for hours but both I and PJ have to cope with change and cope with both the familiar, the unfamiliar and the busy days and the calmer moments.
We both have to cope and in the meantime I have to go with the ups and the downs of our worlds. Where 2 worlds have collided.
7 months ago.
This post is linked in with the Weekly Adoption shout Out - #WASO - check it out, of you haven't already!
We ride the surf, dip with the roller coaster ride and make the climb back up the hill to take the breathtaking view from the mountaintop.
PJ has a cold which started a couple of days ago, so at 6.30am she awoke saying she had earache and then promptly went back to sleep again. 7.50am PJ awoke, her nappy had leaked so we changed the bed, said hello to the cat and chased him downstairs for breakfast. Cereal. Today it was requested without milk. We went back upstairs to get dressed and then came back downstairs to watch a bit of CBeebies whilst I get ready, do some jobs and start the washing. The tears started when her drink spilled on her top and the top I got out the drawer to replace it, was not liked. I don't like that one, I want a different one. We had similar later with sobs, complete with snotty nose, over a change of leggings because a pink pair would be preferred to the blue pair I got form the drawer. on each occasion, I gave a hug, said no, reassured and asked again what it was we were about to go downstairs to do - watch telly - or play - and eventually the clothes were obligingly put on with considerable help, quickly and we went back downstairs.
We had tears over which DVD or CBeebies or how many programmes we were going to watch and I stood my ground. We had No's and not that toy, or that one, over suggestions of which toys might be played with. One toy would be suggested and seemingly agreed on but then when the toy was produced it was met with lots of No's and shaking of hands and head and tears. Today was play date with a wee friend - but the first time they had come to us, so I sensed a battle with control. Eventually, I struck gold and a quick suggestion alongside producing the toys and continuing to put them out ready and the tears subsided and a look of delight took hold. Briefly. PJ wanted to play with the toys in the hallway but I said no and then the tears and throwing of toys began. I tried diffusing the situation but a meltdown occurred. I went to sooth and got hit in the crossfire. I put her on the bottom step of the stairs and repeated the word No. Calm restored.
A friend of mine arrives for coffee en route, as the washing machine whirrs, with some welcome gifts for PJ and a new game is played together at the table, with PJ sitting on my lap and happily playing the matching game and chats happily to my friend who she has met once before, a few months ago.
PJ's wee play date friend arrives and all is well. They play well, my friend leaves to travel a long journey home, leaving me and PJ and wee play date friend and their Mum to chat and drink more coffee as the children play. A little aggression starts with some boundary pushing over a few familiar issues - can we go and see the cat, can we jump on the beds - which results in some hitting and kicking after the boundary is re-set. The step at the bottom of the stairs and a firm No results in the hitting and kicking continuing. Random, nearby items are grabbed and thrown: shoes and a basket. Each are removed and another hit in the response to the reminder of a No. I pick PJ up and carry her to her room and put her in her room, re- affirm that I do not like being hit and that it hurts and that we do not hit and go back downstairs. I am thankful for friends who go through similar experiences being around at times like this. My friend who came today for the wee play date has adopted her children too - so yes, she says, she carries one of her little ones to their room too, over similar issues and after similar responses to a No. by the time I am downstairs I am asking PJ if she is ready and she is saying yes and we go downstairs. It is time to say good bye to our wee play date friend and to tidy up together and then have lunch. We have a meltdown over tidying up. Toys thrown and then a quick recovery as I say she can watch some telly whilst I get lunch after we have tidied up together. it all gets done pretty good. More tears over lunch as she asks for a blanket to eat her lunch with and I say no and suggest a hoody if she is cold. The tears came because it seems as if only the blanket would do. I stood my ground again. After lunch we go out and get some jobs done. She lets me put on her shoes and gets in the buggy, asks for a blanket and sits really well as we got to a couple of shops. We return home to sign the birthday cards we are about to deliver and get in the car and go. It all goes smoothly and the present giving is a fun activity - and there is cake to share! We go to a nearby park and run around and play for a while before saying goodbye and getting back in the car to return home. A very quiet PJ, watching a DVD for our usually much loved and looked forward to weekly movie night - and PJ is clearly not feeling all that great - although her temperature still reads as OK.
It has been a busy day - with several things happening, seemingly all at once. This is life and some days are busy like this. Some days do have the emotional ups and downs, with the ups of the smiles and laughter and shared I love you moments and the downs of the hitting and kicking and tears and meltdowns and the pushing of boundaries.
I have remained firm and calm.
Probably helped along by drinking coffee with friends today.
The days has gotten easier as the day has gone on - and maybe the triggers of worry for PJ with 2 x different sets of friends coming to our house this morning on top of her not quite feeling well with her cold, caused more meltdowns and the regressive behaviours we have known to rear their ugly heads once more. Fleetingly.
Maybe an afternoon of the familiar - shopping, visiting a more familiar friend with the promise of a run around in theor local park and ending with the familiar movie night - has helped to calm the storm and for the ups and downs to stay on an even keel for a while.
The truth is, we could analyse the triggers for hours but both I and PJ have to cope with change and cope with both the familiar, the unfamiliar and the busy days and the calmer moments.
We both have to cope and in the meantime I have to go with the ups and the downs of our worlds. Where 2 worlds have collided.
7 months ago.
This post is linked in with the Weekly Adoption shout Out - #WASO - check it out, of you haven't already!
Tuesday, 16 April 2013
It's In the bag!
I got the school I wanted in the bag!
It all went online at 12.30 am.
Would I stay up and click online at 12.30am and see where I had a place allocated? a friend asked.
No. I said, firmly.
Well..... as it happens.... PJ woke crying in the night at 4 am, then the cat woke up and thudded around the house, then I needed a wee and then felt wide awake, so went downstairs and made a cuppa.... and then, I remembered.... the news about the school places will be online.... by now.... I may as well look, now... after all, I am awake... and so is the cat... so we looked.
School preference number 1 allocated.
I have until the end of April to respond.
I already have.
With just one more click.
School place preference number 1 accepted.
Phew!
I am really pleased that the system has worked and we have a place without having to appeal or re-consider another preference allocation.
I told PJ the name of her school today and she smiled and said Aww. Then she told the cat. He said meow, which I hoped she didn't translate as: I already know I saw it online at 4am.
I told PJ that when we go to Nursery we will find out if some of the other boys and girls will be going to her big school too when she goes in September.
Very pleased and relieved for it to have all gone so smoothly.
Thank you local authority and admission system.
It all went online at 12.30 am.
Would I stay up and click online at 12.30am and see where I had a place allocated? a friend asked.
No. I said, firmly.
Well..... as it happens.... PJ woke crying in the night at 4 am, then the cat woke up and thudded around the house, then I needed a wee and then felt wide awake, so went downstairs and made a cuppa.... and then, I remembered.... the news about the school places will be online.... by now.... I may as well look, now... after all, I am awake... and so is the cat... so we looked.
School preference number 1 allocated.
I have until the end of April to respond.
I already have.
With just one more click.
School place preference number 1 accepted.
Phew!
I am really pleased that the system has worked and we have a place without having to appeal or re-consider another preference allocation.
I told PJ the name of her school today and she smiled and said Aww. Then she told the cat. He said meow, which I hoped she didn't translate as: I already know I saw it online at 4am.
I told PJ that when we go to Nursery we will find out if some of the other boys and girls will be going to her big school too when she goes in September.
Very pleased and relieved for it to have all gone so smoothly.
Thank you local authority and admission system.
Monday, 15 April 2013
First Contact
Since writing about our planned sibling contact we have now had our day meeting up with PJ's siblings. Sadly not everyone made it - which isn't so great - and it has been over a year since PJ has seen some of her siblings. I worry that the longer the time and distance created with contact not happening that contact will not be as easy, as well as the complications with playing diaries between families it isn't easy and we are supposed to do contact a couple of times a year. Frustrating. Aargh. Rant over.
Anyway, the day finally came for our first sibling contact and we met up. It was just us as mums and one of the siblings older adopted sibling came too. They spent the day running around and chasing and the element of competition was there between the siblings other adopted siblings. Big time. There were tears over who was in front, tears over getting in and out of the buggy and then the running off issue. PJ runs off and then the other adopted sibling would run after, to try and catch up with PJ. The problem was, when PJ thinks she is being chased, she runs faster. It didn't matter how many times I tried to explain this to the other adopted sibling, they didn't get it - but at least they tried to help. They really did. My usual trusted strategy when PJ runs off is to run behind with the buggy and then revert to a walking pace when she looks behind, which allows me time and speed to catch up with PJ without a chase ensuing. This strategy wasn't going to work on this day as the other older adopted sibling latched onto me and the buggy from the moment we met up. We had arranged to meet at a central fun park that was very familiar to PJ and closer to us, which lessened the anxiety for PJ in travelling a long journey. I was intrigued to see if PJ would remember her younger sibling and recognise them. I could see the cogs turning as I pointed them out from the crowd and the gradual dawning and beaming smile. She recognised them and knew them deeply. It was a strong connection for PJ.
A precious moment to watch.
They had all had a long journey and so some of the day was spent asleep in the buggy and the other older adopted sibling had her own needs and issues and excitement for the day too. This was her sibling meeting up with their sibling, so emotional for them too.
For us as Mums, perhaps the most fascinating thing was to see the siblings have the almost exact same meltdowns, temper tantrums, tears over the same issues. It was like looking in a mirror. A strong correlation of nature v nurture as well as recognising how the normal developments of tantrums and issues, coupled with some gaps missing or with these children being stuck with some similar issues from past trauma or experiences. It really helped to feel that some of the shared stories, events and issues and reactions are not personal and we are both going through similar.
Peas from the same pod.
Fascinating to watch. First I stood by and watched and then later they stood by and watched. Then we both laughed and said how funny that they are the same. Both of us Mums shared stories of the fight and flight survival instinct kicking in where our children run around like whirling dervishes and seem almost out of control and where they push or bite others at times too. We shared stories of having to bring them home from situations and how they push the boundaries and how they both run off and lack a sense of danger or safety awareness - and how both children love spaghetti bolognese!
Same meltdowns and same determination.
It was really lovely to meet up.
The goodbye was really tough on PJ. She screamed and sobbed in my arms. A big wrench.
The goodbye.
Now we have the aftermath. We have had tearful moments over the last few days over very small and trivial incidents and moments of fight where PJ has pushed boundaries and not heeded to a warning and then tried to persist in hitting a biting. Mostly it has been tears and a sense of being overwhelmed and this has gradually lessened over the last few days.
First sibling contact has gone well.
It is just such a shame that it wasn't with all the siblings together.
Hopefully next time.
Anyway, the day finally came for our first sibling contact and we met up. It was just us as mums and one of the siblings older adopted sibling came too. They spent the day running around and chasing and the element of competition was there between the siblings other adopted siblings. Big time. There were tears over who was in front, tears over getting in and out of the buggy and then the running off issue. PJ runs off and then the other adopted sibling would run after, to try and catch up with PJ. The problem was, when PJ thinks she is being chased, she runs faster. It didn't matter how many times I tried to explain this to the other adopted sibling, they didn't get it - but at least they tried to help. They really did. My usual trusted strategy when PJ runs off is to run behind with the buggy and then revert to a walking pace when she looks behind, which allows me time and speed to catch up with PJ without a chase ensuing. This strategy wasn't going to work on this day as the other older adopted sibling latched onto me and the buggy from the moment we met up. We had arranged to meet at a central fun park that was very familiar to PJ and closer to us, which lessened the anxiety for PJ in travelling a long journey. I was intrigued to see if PJ would remember her younger sibling and recognise them. I could see the cogs turning as I pointed them out from the crowd and the gradual dawning and beaming smile. She recognised them and knew them deeply. It was a strong connection for PJ.
A precious moment to watch.
They had all had a long journey and so some of the day was spent asleep in the buggy and the other older adopted sibling had her own needs and issues and excitement for the day too. This was her sibling meeting up with their sibling, so emotional for them too.
For us as Mums, perhaps the most fascinating thing was to see the siblings have the almost exact same meltdowns, temper tantrums, tears over the same issues. It was like looking in a mirror. A strong correlation of nature v nurture as well as recognising how the normal developments of tantrums and issues, coupled with some gaps missing or with these children being stuck with some similar issues from past trauma or experiences. It really helped to feel that some of the shared stories, events and issues and reactions are not personal and we are both going through similar.
Peas from the same pod.
Fascinating to watch. First I stood by and watched and then later they stood by and watched. Then we both laughed and said how funny that they are the same. Both of us Mums shared stories of the fight and flight survival instinct kicking in where our children run around like whirling dervishes and seem almost out of control and where they push or bite others at times too. We shared stories of having to bring them home from situations and how they push the boundaries and how they both run off and lack a sense of danger or safety awareness - and how both children love spaghetti bolognese!
Same meltdowns and same determination.
It was really lovely to meet up.
The goodbye was really tough on PJ. She screamed and sobbed in my arms. A big wrench.
The goodbye.
Now we have the aftermath. We have had tearful moments over the last few days over very small and trivial incidents and moments of fight where PJ has pushed boundaries and not heeded to a warning and then tried to persist in hitting a biting. Mostly it has been tears and a sense of being overwhelmed and this has gradually lessened over the last few days.
First sibling contact has gone well.
It is just such a shame that it wasn't with all the siblings together.
Hopefully next time.
Thursday, 11 April 2013
School Transition
Next week I will get to hear the news on which school from my preferences PJ will be allocated. Will she be allocated to the school of my first choice? Will she take precedence over the admissions numbers as she is LAC and probably newly adopted in September 2013 when she is due to start Reception?
I don't know.
I wait with bated breath.
All is still... and at times, not very calm.
I am told that the system is that my local authority will give me my preferred choice but I have heard and read some horror stories about the process of school admissions and the appeal process.
I have made my choice and filled in all the forms by the deadline of January 2013 and social workers have also written letters of support to go with the application.
And now we wait, for next week to see what happens and how well the transition to school goes. Big school. We have been talking about going to big school since PJ came last Summer.
She points to schools and says - I could go there, Mummy - I have to say - I have chosen a really lovely place but we need to wait and see which school you will go to when we find out if they say yes - not easy for a little girl who has anxieties and controlling behaviours - she has in her head picked her own school a million times - but the system doesn't allow us to begin to start the transition process until after mid April 2013.
It hasn't been an easy road to make my choice in the months before the applications were due in - my very local schools are large - around 350 - and I feel PJ will be lost at sea in such large school systems. Larger schools, you are not on my list.
Other smaller local schools to where we live didn't have before and after school care on site - they either, walk to and from school to the before and after school club, or they go by minibus - both of which are too vague and transient for a child who is vulnerable, needs routine and structure to breed security - and also a child who as yet has no sense of danger or road sense! I crossed all those schools off the list. Sorry.
Some, I visited, ran a very tightly oiled ship, where all children not only wore uniform but seemed to all be in unison - fine of you want your child to go with the flow and for a child who will just slot in to a well established system - but not so great, I suspect for the vulnerable child who also needs to be their own unique person as well as belong to a school organism - something that grows with vibrancy and vitality - rather than just conforming and being stifled and coming out of a one size fits all, mould. Likewise, well oiled schools with a hint of uniformity, you are not on my list.
Some schools I had suggested to me, were nigh impossible to get passed the receptionist.
We have already done 5 viewings, she said. We are very popular and we will be oversubscribed, she said.
Well, I couldn't be bothered to remind them that all the admissions selection was done centrally or wish to explain that as my child was looked after or would be newly adopted, they would take priority as I didn't feel that I really wanted to deal with a receptionist every school day who was so rude, opinionated or dismissive. Sorry rude and oversubscribed school, despite getting OFSTED Outstanding, you are also off my list.
I did look at many schools and ask around and collected many brochures before PJ came to me and again once she was with me.
I put down 2 schools.
The admissions form recommends parents put down 3 schools.
School choice number 1 is a small school, recommended by my boss as she has worked with the head. Small, nurturing, caring, with inclusion high on the agenda. I liked the head and the receptionist and they were both very calm in manner and friendly, when I visited the school. It is close to where PJ goes to Nursery which I hope will help her make some connections and there may well be some other wee friends from the Nursery transferring there too. It has before and after school care on site and is on my way to work and not far from where we live.
I put down where I work as my school number 2 choice. 2nd because I am not convinced PJ will adjust well to me working with other children and it might be best for both of us to have some independence. It is a fabulous school and very caring and nurturing, so it has been in my thoughts but hand on heart, I think it would be hard for us both to be in the same place. I would rather drop her off knowing she is in a safe and happy and caring school, where she can develop and grow and flourish and make friends and I can go and do my job and work hard and then pick her up at the end of our day.
So, we wait.
I am planning for the transition.
I am planning on returning to work and am working on a phased return initially to ease my way back in to work and up some of PJ's Nursery sessions this next term. This will hopefully prepare her for a little more social time at Nursery in preparation for doing 5 full days in September. I hope that by PJ being in Nursery for a few more sessions each week, this will lessen the separation anxiety that kicks in. I am hoping that planning a few Nursery retainer sessions in some of the long Summer holiday weeks will help maintain some sense of routine and structure for PJ and thus lessen the huge transition.
This is all running alongside our continuing getting up and getting dressed routine and getting ready earlier to leave the house. We have come a long way from the little girl screaming over every item of clothing and taking several hours to do this - don't plan on doing anything in the mornings, I was advised by her social workers and give yourself plenty of time when you need to leave the house at a certain time her foster carers had said.
We have a long way to go. Can she dress herself, a family member asks? No, I say. We have focused ion putting clothes on - clothes on herself would be too much to ask. We are working on it. Piece by piece. Gradually, slowly.
We are working on following instructions and practising listening skills - we run to certain places in the park and we work on some schedules and patterns to our days - and Nursery are working on so many other things for PJ and helping filling In several social and emotional gaps in her "wall" that are glaringly obvious and staring at us in the face in her EYFS Learning Journey from last term's parent's evening.
We have a long way to go before I will be dropping her off early at before school club and her looooong days in school for 5 days, that will relentlessly continue and then re-start after the weekend - for approximately 12 years.
Learning to sit still, to join in, to feel settled and calm enough to not run around in and on and under and through things. For PJ to feel secure enough that she will let go of control enough to allow another person - the adult - the teacher - to invest in her life. Being secure and happy with her peers to share and take turns without resorting to controlling others. These are a few of my transition to school concerns.
I hope the transition is planned well and that the visits to school start very soon and that they are often and help PJ get to school - every day, on time and for her to enjoy school - and for others to enjoy being with her in school - and for her to learn - A lot is at stake - the pressure is on - this transition is huge - Dear Local Authority, I hope you help me to make this transition work. For all our sakes.
School will be a big part of our lives for a long time.
Transition well.
Leaps and jumps won't work.
Smooth is what we need.
Acceptance and a welcome, would be nice.
Belonging.
Which school will it be, or will I need to appeal?
I will let you know.
As soon as I know.
A week to wait.
I don't know.
I wait with bated breath.
All is still... and at times, not very calm.
I am told that the system is that my local authority will give me my preferred choice but I have heard and read some horror stories about the process of school admissions and the appeal process.
I have made my choice and filled in all the forms by the deadline of January 2013 and social workers have also written letters of support to go with the application.
And now we wait, for next week to see what happens and how well the transition to school goes. Big school. We have been talking about going to big school since PJ came last Summer.
She points to schools and says - I could go there, Mummy - I have to say - I have chosen a really lovely place but we need to wait and see which school you will go to when we find out if they say yes - not easy for a little girl who has anxieties and controlling behaviours - she has in her head picked her own school a million times - but the system doesn't allow us to begin to start the transition process until after mid April 2013.
It hasn't been an easy road to make my choice in the months before the applications were due in - my very local schools are large - around 350 - and I feel PJ will be lost at sea in such large school systems. Larger schools, you are not on my list.
Other smaller local schools to where we live didn't have before and after school care on site - they either, walk to and from school to the before and after school club, or they go by minibus - both of which are too vague and transient for a child who is vulnerable, needs routine and structure to breed security - and also a child who as yet has no sense of danger or road sense! I crossed all those schools off the list. Sorry.
Some, I visited, ran a very tightly oiled ship, where all children not only wore uniform but seemed to all be in unison - fine of you want your child to go with the flow and for a child who will just slot in to a well established system - but not so great, I suspect for the vulnerable child who also needs to be their own unique person as well as belong to a school organism - something that grows with vibrancy and vitality - rather than just conforming and being stifled and coming out of a one size fits all, mould. Likewise, well oiled schools with a hint of uniformity, you are not on my list.
Some schools I had suggested to me, were nigh impossible to get passed the receptionist.
We have already done 5 viewings, she said. We are very popular and we will be oversubscribed, she said.
Well, I couldn't be bothered to remind them that all the admissions selection was done centrally or wish to explain that as my child was looked after or would be newly adopted, they would take priority as I didn't feel that I really wanted to deal with a receptionist every school day who was so rude, opinionated or dismissive. Sorry rude and oversubscribed school, despite getting OFSTED Outstanding, you are also off my list.
I did look at many schools and ask around and collected many brochures before PJ came to me and again once she was with me.
I put down 2 schools.
The admissions form recommends parents put down 3 schools.
School choice number 1 is a small school, recommended by my boss as she has worked with the head. Small, nurturing, caring, with inclusion high on the agenda. I liked the head and the receptionist and they were both very calm in manner and friendly, when I visited the school. It is close to where PJ goes to Nursery which I hope will help her make some connections and there may well be some other wee friends from the Nursery transferring there too. It has before and after school care on site and is on my way to work and not far from where we live.
I put down where I work as my school number 2 choice. 2nd because I am not convinced PJ will adjust well to me working with other children and it might be best for both of us to have some independence. It is a fabulous school and very caring and nurturing, so it has been in my thoughts but hand on heart, I think it would be hard for us both to be in the same place. I would rather drop her off knowing she is in a safe and happy and caring school, where she can develop and grow and flourish and make friends and I can go and do my job and work hard and then pick her up at the end of our day.
So, we wait.
I am planning for the transition.
I am planning on returning to work and am working on a phased return initially to ease my way back in to work and up some of PJ's Nursery sessions this next term. This will hopefully prepare her for a little more social time at Nursery in preparation for doing 5 full days in September. I hope that by PJ being in Nursery for a few more sessions each week, this will lessen the separation anxiety that kicks in. I am hoping that planning a few Nursery retainer sessions in some of the long Summer holiday weeks will help maintain some sense of routine and structure for PJ and thus lessen the huge transition.
This is all running alongside our continuing getting up and getting dressed routine and getting ready earlier to leave the house. We have come a long way from the little girl screaming over every item of clothing and taking several hours to do this - don't plan on doing anything in the mornings, I was advised by her social workers and give yourself plenty of time when you need to leave the house at a certain time her foster carers had said.
We have a long way to go. Can she dress herself, a family member asks? No, I say. We have focused ion putting clothes on - clothes on herself would be too much to ask. We are working on it. Piece by piece. Gradually, slowly.
We are working on following instructions and practising listening skills - we run to certain places in the park and we work on some schedules and patterns to our days - and Nursery are working on so many other things for PJ and helping filling In several social and emotional gaps in her "wall" that are glaringly obvious and staring at us in the face in her EYFS Learning Journey from last term's parent's evening.
We have a long way to go before I will be dropping her off early at before school club and her looooong days in school for 5 days, that will relentlessly continue and then re-start after the weekend - for approximately 12 years.
Learning to sit still, to join in, to feel settled and calm enough to not run around in and on and under and through things. For PJ to feel secure enough that she will let go of control enough to allow another person - the adult - the teacher - to invest in her life. Being secure and happy with her peers to share and take turns without resorting to controlling others. These are a few of my transition to school concerns.
I hope the transition is planned well and that the visits to school start very soon and that they are often and help PJ get to school - every day, on time and for her to enjoy school - and for others to enjoy being with her in school - and for her to learn - A lot is at stake - the pressure is on - this transition is huge - Dear Local Authority, I hope you help me to make this transition work. For all our sakes.
School will be a big part of our lives for a long time.
Transition well.
Leaps and jumps won't work.
Smooth is what we need.
Acceptance and a welcome, would be nice.
Belonging.
Which school will it be, or will I need to appeal?
I will let you know.
As soon as I know.
A week to wait.
Friday, 5 April 2013
Our Grand Day Out
It wouldn't be the Easter School Holidays would it, if we didn't brace ourselves for a Grand Day Outdoors, armed with buggy and coats and some friends (4 friends, to be precise) brave enough to invite us to join them for a train ride.
It sounded good: a ratio of 1 x adult per child and all travelling together, with plans to explore and see the sights, have lunch somewhere and go somewhere fun to play and then come home.
I have been to this place many times but it was a first for PJ.
I know she has been on a train before coming to me, but not sure how long the train journey was or how long ago or how often or how well she did it.
The train journey was OK. It was full of merriment and shared interest, between the 3 children, swapping seats and spotting trains and tracks and trying to say the station names and guess how many stops (or spots as they said) it would be before we reached our destination. Onlookers smiled politely.
One of the members of the group had a scooter and PJ was desperate to have a go and, being kind and generous in heart, they said yes. I let her have a ride around some of the tunnel walkways within the station, which satisfied her, before PJ got in the buggy and we left the station and went for our sightseeing tour. A boat trip. Top deck, surrounded by families and PJ kicked off. Mid tantrum, an entire family sitting next to us on the next bench got up and moved away. The spot remained vacant for some considerable time. So, PJ then used the bench to clamber over and again I pulled her back to me for fear of her hurting herself or falling down the steps. She objected again, of course.
My friends with me laughed and said but just think how far she and you have come to get to this point. Shame that family staring and tutting at you don't realise that and all that has gone before.
Good point and it was good to have their light hearted, take it all in your stride, approach - and to be reminded of the tiny small steps that have become the leaps and bounds we have made.
PJ gradually calmed and listened to my boundaries of not running around and enjoyed some of the views and gave up on pushing our friends and making them cry and said sorry and they became friends again and laughter and shared moments continued.
A quick run along the path and a scooter ride through the wind and crowds to the cafe for a welcome lunch. Make your own pizza and get your own chefs hat was a roaring success as was the long and winding stairs down to the toilets. We made several trips. Several.
Unfortunately for those paying customers in the restaurant, the wait towards the end for dessert and the bill was all a bit much for PJ. The concentration was lost and the urge to escape took hold. Across the long bench she travelled, past several tables all beautifully set, ready for the next customers, laden with elegant wine glasses. My attempt at a NO! fell on deaf ears but a quick grab, worked but the tears then ensued. I went for strapping her in the buggy but missed and the buggy shot backwards into the table behind where a man skillfully stopped it! PJ was by now squirming on the floor. I picked her up and gave her the chair to hold on to. After several attempts to reconnect her to the chair she complied and held on, whilst she put on her coat. The promise from her friend to have a go on the scooter when we get outside also helped her calm and re-focus.
She loved a short go on the scooter and then together, PJ and I practised walking hand in hand (with screams of protests) along the pavement with the buggy to our planned afternoon activity. A play centre. It was brilliant. Bricks to build with and levers and pulleys, a car to paint, a wall to climb and lights and crafts and water to pour. And, as PJ discovered, a few new found friends to push and shove. A fight quickly ensued over 2 toy dogs on a leash being carried in a wheel barrow and neither child was backing down. The older child said they had it first, so I got the dogs and gave them to the child and saod to PJ and the child that tehy would have the toy dogs as they had them first. Sure enough, a few minutes later, PJ emerged with one of the toy dogs and leash with a look of triumph but then dropped the toy and ran off to do something else. It was obviously all about the winning for both children as both toy dogs were left lying abandoned.
I did manage to drink a cup of tea with my friends before we gathered up our children to make the quick march back to the train station for the journey home.
Phew.
We got fish and chips for tea on the way back home from the train station.
It seemed like a good end to a busy Day Out.
Even if we had a few hairy scary short moments that all ended very well without any damage to glasses being smashed or heads being bashed.
Thank you friends for sharing a day out with us and for reminding me of how far we have come, already.
The sun shone and the wind blew.
We all slept well.
It sounded good: a ratio of 1 x adult per child and all travelling together, with plans to explore and see the sights, have lunch somewhere and go somewhere fun to play and then come home.
I have been to this place many times but it was a first for PJ.
I know she has been on a train before coming to me, but not sure how long the train journey was or how long ago or how often or how well she did it.
The train journey was OK. It was full of merriment and shared interest, between the 3 children, swapping seats and spotting trains and tracks and trying to say the station names and guess how many stops (or spots as they said) it would be before we reached our destination. Onlookers smiled politely.
One of the members of the group had a scooter and PJ was desperate to have a go and, being kind and generous in heart, they said yes. I let her have a ride around some of the tunnel walkways within the station, which satisfied her, before PJ got in the buggy and we left the station and went for our sightseeing tour. A boat trip. Top deck, surrounded by families and PJ kicked off. Mid tantrum, an entire family sitting next to us on the next bench got up and moved away. The spot remained vacant for some considerable time. So, PJ then used the bench to clamber over and again I pulled her back to me for fear of her hurting herself or falling down the steps. She objected again, of course.
My friends with me laughed and said but just think how far she and you have come to get to this point. Shame that family staring and tutting at you don't realise that and all that has gone before.
Good point and it was good to have their light hearted, take it all in your stride, approach - and to be reminded of the tiny small steps that have become the leaps and bounds we have made.
PJ gradually calmed and listened to my boundaries of not running around and enjoyed some of the views and gave up on pushing our friends and making them cry and said sorry and they became friends again and laughter and shared moments continued.
A quick run along the path and a scooter ride through the wind and crowds to the cafe for a welcome lunch. Make your own pizza and get your own chefs hat was a roaring success as was the long and winding stairs down to the toilets. We made several trips. Several.
Unfortunately for those paying customers in the restaurant, the wait towards the end for dessert and the bill was all a bit much for PJ. The concentration was lost and the urge to escape took hold. Across the long bench she travelled, past several tables all beautifully set, ready for the next customers, laden with elegant wine glasses. My attempt at a NO! fell on deaf ears but a quick grab, worked but the tears then ensued. I went for strapping her in the buggy but missed and the buggy shot backwards into the table behind where a man skillfully stopped it! PJ was by now squirming on the floor. I picked her up and gave her the chair to hold on to. After several attempts to reconnect her to the chair she complied and held on, whilst she put on her coat. The promise from her friend to have a go on the scooter when we get outside also helped her calm and re-focus.
She loved a short go on the scooter and then together, PJ and I practised walking hand in hand (with screams of protests) along the pavement with the buggy to our planned afternoon activity. A play centre. It was brilliant. Bricks to build with and levers and pulleys, a car to paint, a wall to climb and lights and crafts and water to pour. And, as PJ discovered, a few new found friends to push and shove. A fight quickly ensued over 2 toy dogs on a leash being carried in a wheel barrow and neither child was backing down. The older child said they had it first, so I got the dogs and gave them to the child and saod to PJ and the child that tehy would have the toy dogs as they had them first. Sure enough, a few minutes later, PJ emerged with one of the toy dogs and leash with a look of triumph but then dropped the toy and ran off to do something else. It was obviously all about the winning for both children as both toy dogs were left lying abandoned.
I did manage to drink a cup of tea with my friends before we gathered up our children to make the quick march back to the train station for the journey home.
Phew.
We got fish and chips for tea on the way back home from the train station.
It seemed like a good end to a busy Day Out.
Even if we had a few hairy scary short moments that all ended very well without any damage to glasses being smashed or heads being bashed.
Thank you friends for sharing a day out with us and for reminding me of how far we have come, already.
The sun shone and the wind blew.
We all slept well.
Thursday, 4 April 2013
Easter Egg Tree
Well, why not?
We have had fun decorating our tree together with bunnies, eggs, a lamb, a Easter Fairy, some chicks and ribbons and some rafia, after a lovely blustery spring Easter Holiday walk to collect some twigs to make a tree.
Ta Da!
Wednesday, 3 April 2013
A Push Too Far
PJ is and has been pushing trying to push the boundaries. I say in 5 minutes it is time to go and 5 minutes later, I say it is time to go and she says: just one more go and carries on doing what she was doing.
I say leave the cat alone and she runs again to the cat and grabs him.
We are about to leave the house and she runs off around the downstairs, rather than going to the front door.
We are at her toddler dance session and she runs off up onto the sectioned off with chairs no go area. I have spent weeks bringing her back down to the dance floor and re-showing her where everyone dances and then again and again explaining where it is safe to dance, dancing with her and helping her to connect with the dance teachers and the group and have some sense of calm and beginning to join in. It was hard work. The dance teacher said: everyone do this and put her arms in the air. PJ shouted: everyone do this and bent her body over double and walked around like a crab. All the other toddlers were confused. Who should they copy? Who was the dance teacher? PJ tried several attempts to give differing instructions to the group and then resorted to sabotage. when all the toddlers had lovely scarves to dance with she nicked them all. Then ran. We have worked hard at establishing a sense of calm and routine and structure to help PJ settle and join in. She now just can't maintain it. She joins in and then suddenly, glances over at me and then goes to the back up and over or in and through the chair boundary. There she runs up and down, shrieking and giggling and thinking it is great fun. I look at her and point to the dance floor and she re-joins the group. She now does well for a short while again and then she is off again. I re-set the boundary: we join in or we go home. She runs off again. I get her and our things and we leave. Early.
She screams. She cried all the way home and asked for a DVD. I explained it wasn't DVD night and we were leaving early because she kept going where the chairs say no we cant go there to dance or run. I said we were going home and that once home and calm it would be time for our usual routine of a snack and a story and then CBeebies, whilst I cooked tea. She cried in my arms for half an hour. Every now and then she would stop crying and say can we watch a DVD now. No. Tears and sobs and pleading again in my arms, oh please can we. After an hour since we left the dance session we were finally watching CBeebies as planned and as usual, calm after snack and a story.
We are at one of her group sessions at toddler group and she pushes a child. I chat with her about it and she says they were in her way. I chat some more with her about asking people to move out of the way, suggesting phrases like: excuse me or suggest using the horn on her toy car she is making her way around the room in, at the time. She gets out of the car and runs full pelt across the room to push the same child again. I go to her and remove her from the by now crying small child and remind her that we will have to leave if she continues to push. If we are kind and gentle we can stay. A few minutes later she runs across the room again to the same child and pushes her really hard from behind. I get her and our things and say we are going home. Early.
She screams. Arms and legs flailing, I stay outside the car with the door open waiting for her to calm down sufficiently to do up the car seat. After several attempts at soothing and one of the car doors that was closed being locked, I finally get in the car successfully and drive home with PJ calmly and safely in her car seat. We discuss through the tears the need to be kind and not push and who is the grown up and she sobs as she points at me and says: Mummy. She is calm and has stopped crying before we get home, which is an improvement on the toddler dance session.
The reality of letting go of control and allowing me as her New Mummy be in charge, learning to trust another is hard.
Today, we go to a toy store. We look and try some of the toy cars. Fun! We had already seen the bikes en route and I had said they were only looking bikes ( I thought they were stacked in waaay too tightly to be try bikes.) We go along the row of cars and try them all and I say, now we are going to look at the baby dolls. She says she wants to go on the bikes. I say no, as they are only looking bikes, remember but too late, like slippery soap she is gone. In the midst of the bikes, is PJ, defiantly stamping her feet and folding her arms. I call her and try and get in between some of the bikes but she is in too far and darting and weaving in and out in the middle of the rows of bikes. I bash my head on the next layer of shelving and try and reach her. I go round the other side and reach her whilst saying rather loudly NO! and Come out of there, it is not safe in here in the bikes. they are only looking bikes. I said No. I pick her up and she sobs saying she doesn't want to go. She starts to hit me in the face. I twizzle her around and hold her hands either side of her body so she can't hit me and we interweave through the crowd of shoppers and leave the store. I put her down outside the door and we walk hand in hand towards the car. She is crying and i crouch down and explain again why we have had to leave. She wants to be carried and we get into the car and the car seat and chat some more. She says we are going home because I ran. I say yes, you did and it wasn't safe in all of the bikes. She says is sorry. I tell her I am sorry to, thank her for saying sorry and tell her we will come to the toy store again another day because we have to go home now.
We drive home calmly.
Phew.
I say leave the cat alone and she runs again to the cat and grabs him.
We are about to leave the house and she runs off around the downstairs, rather than going to the front door.
We are at her toddler dance session and she runs off up onto the sectioned off with chairs no go area. I have spent weeks bringing her back down to the dance floor and re-showing her where everyone dances and then again and again explaining where it is safe to dance, dancing with her and helping her to connect with the dance teachers and the group and have some sense of calm and beginning to join in. It was hard work. The dance teacher said: everyone do this and put her arms in the air. PJ shouted: everyone do this and bent her body over double and walked around like a crab. All the other toddlers were confused. Who should they copy? Who was the dance teacher? PJ tried several attempts to give differing instructions to the group and then resorted to sabotage. when all the toddlers had lovely scarves to dance with she nicked them all. Then ran. We have worked hard at establishing a sense of calm and routine and structure to help PJ settle and join in. She now just can't maintain it. She joins in and then suddenly, glances over at me and then goes to the back up and over or in and through the chair boundary. There she runs up and down, shrieking and giggling and thinking it is great fun. I look at her and point to the dance floor and she re-joins the group. She now does well for a short while again and then she is off again. I re-set the boundary: we join in or we go home. She runs off again. I get her and our things and we leave. Early.
She screams. She cried all the way home and asked for a DVD. I explained it wasn't DVD night and we were leaving early because she kept going where the chairs say no we cant go there to dance or run. I said we were going home and that once home and calm it would be time for our usual routine of a snack and a story and then CBeebies, whilst I cooked tea. She cried in my arms for half an hour. Every now and then she would stop crying and say can we watch a DVD now. No. Tears and sobs and pleading again in my arms, oh please can we. After an hour since we left the dance session we were finally watching CBeebies as planned and as usual, calm after snack and a story.
We are at one of her group sessions at toddler group and she pushes a child. I chat with her about it and she says they were in her way. I chat some more with her about asking people to move out of the way, suggesting phrases like: excuse me or suggest using the horn on her toy car she is making her way around the room in, at the time. She gets out of the car and runs full pelt across the room to push the same child again. I go to her and remove her from the by now crying small child and remind her that we will have to leave if she continues to push. If we are kind and gentle we can stay. A few minutes later she runs across the room again to the same child and pushes her really hard from behind. I get her and our things and say we are going home. Early.
She screams. Arms and legs flailing, I stay outside the car with the door open waiting for her to calm down sufficiently to do up the car seat. After several attempts at soothing and one of the car doors that was closed being locked, I finally get in the car successfully and drive home with PJ calmly and safely in her car seat. We discuss through the tears the need to be kind and not push and who is the grown up and she sobs as she points at me and says: Mummy. She is calm and has stopped crying before we get home, which is an improvement on the toddler dance session.
The reality of letting go of control and allowing me as her New Mummy be in charge, learning to trust another is hard.
Today, we go to a toy store. We look and try some of the toy cars. Fun! We had already seen the bikes en route and I had said they were only looking bikes ( I thought they were stacked in waaay too tightly to be try bikes.) We go along the row of cars and try them all and I say, now we are going to look at the baby dolls. She says she wants to go on the bikes. I say no, as they are only looking bikes, remember but too late, like slippery soap she is gone. In the midst of the bikes, is PJ, defiantly stamping her feet and folding her arms. I call her and try and get in between some of the bikes but she is in too far and darting and weaving in and out in the middle of the rows of bikes. I bash my head on the next layer of shelving and try and reach her. I go round the other side and reach her whilst saying rather loudly NO! and Come out of there, it is not safe in here in the bikes. they are only looking bikes. I said No. I pick her up and she sobs saying she doesn't want to go. She starts to hit me in the face. I twizzle her around and hold her hands either side of her body so she can't hit me and we interweave through the crowd of shoppers and leave the store. I put her down outside the door and we walk hand in hand towards the car. She is crying and i crouch down and explain again why we have had to leave. She wants to be carried and we get into the car and the car seat and chat some more. She says we are going home because I ran. I say yes, you did and it wasn't safe in all of the bikes. She says is sorry. I tell her I am sorry to, thank her for saying sorry and tell her we will come to the toy store again another day because we have to go home now.
We drive home calmly.
Phew.
Monday, 1 April 2013
Easter Egg Nests
They are quick to make too and not too fiddly, which is great for baking activities with children with limited concentration.
I do put the chocolate, syrup and butter in a pan and weigh out the cornflakes before calling PJ into the kitchen, which helps!
PJ loves to select the colours of the cake cases - and to mix it in - and she loves to lick the spoon!
She did very well at adding the mini eggs to the nests.
We used 300g chocolate
150 g butter
6 tblspns syrup
Melt these ingredients in a saucepan on a slow and gentle heat.
Add 300g cornflakes.
All join in stirring!
Put 2 spoons of nest egg cornflake chocolate mix into each paper case.
Gently press down and add chocolate mini eggs into each egg nest.
We made about 25-30
and there aren't many left!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)