Sunday, 31 March 2013
Saturday, 30 March 2013
Changing Kinds of Play
Carnage. Utter chaos. Welcome to Chaotic Play.
Rather than one type of toy coming out of a box at a time, in some kind of systematic order, structured, secure, ordered, each toy played with and then put away before the next one comes out and play resumes and then tidy up time happens, once again systematic, ordered until complete, this is very different.
It can happen in an instant - with all her toys - that get taken out of their boxes and sometimes lobbed around the room - or several of her electronic musical toys all coming out at once - boom thwacka tum chee woo oo, a cacophony of noise that is not sweet to my ears, where she sits and rocks or spins and spins around or twists her body and shakes her head very fast.
PJ reverts to the familiar, the past chaos that she has known previously, to bring safety, security to her. Sometime she does it with a woo - hoo - look what I've created, look at all this mess, she says.... and seems to then pause and wait... for a reaction.
It seemed to happen more often when she first came to me and it reoccurs after professionals visit or we have had several new experiences or changes happen in quick succession.
I have spent months working with PJ on modelling on type of toy coming out and playing with her and helping her to choose which things to play with and when and sensing when we need to change to something different and then help her to tidy up, quickly and effectively and for it to be achievable and hopefully enjoyable too. It has moved along in leaps and bounds. I am not so phased by when all the toys or all the noisy toys come out now. I know it will be short lived and can now be firm and reset boundaries for one toy coming out at a time and help suggest another activity instead of all the noisy electronic over stimulating toys coming out. A story on my lap often works.
The other kind of play is hard to break the cycle of at times, I find. Again, I experienced it a lot when I first met PJ. Controlling Play.
This is the: No not like that, you can't do that, would you like this? Well, no, you can't have it. You go over here and I am over here and there you stay.
Again, it happened a lot when PJ first arrived and when she feels threatened by meeting and playing with new people, or after we have done something new or when professionals visit. All these things throw her and she is out of kilter and returns to her familiar controlling behaviours.
Parallel play would be fun as would joining in with a child initiated imaginative play session. Sometimes this is a fine line and at other times the line has been clearly crossed.
I tell her this controlling or bossy play isn't kind or fun to join in with, Again, I have worked hard these last few months on breaking into the controlling and isolating play and have made some headway. When it rears it's ugly head it is like battling in a headwind. The calm after is a refreshing change once the turning point comes. The moment when an idea is accepted and when 2 shared experiences intertwine. A connection is made and the barriers come down.
In the bigger picture of play, both of these kinds of change need to happen for PJ to both feel calm and for her to be able to socialise. Currently, in her Nursery setting she dominates and leads others in how she interacts with them and how they play.
Trust is the key for both calm and order to be reclaimed and restored in her life and for her future relationships to develop and grow.
To change these kinds of play for PJ I need to challenge them and re-route and re-programme her understanding and experience of trust, which has been a previously rocky foundation.
Play is the theme for this weeks Weekly Adoption Shout Out.
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
Non Contact Time - The Birthday
We recently celebrated a rather special birthday - one of PJ's siblings. She hasn't seen this sibling since last summer and it has been agreed that we would send cards and no presents for birthdays. PJ's siblings all live apart and some considerable distance apart, although direct contact is planned for us all to meet as siblings twice a year, but we have still yet to meet up since PJ was placed with me for adoption.
We made some lovely pictures, one which we cut up to fit a card and when I said to PJ that once all the glue was dry, we could write a special happy birthday message. She just beamed and said Oh can we Mummy, oh thank you - so precious a thing to say and yet such a sad thing to say - as of course I will help her in remembering and celebrating her sibling's birthdays, whenever she wants to.
Well the paintings took 3 days to dry, on account of the copious amount of glue and glitter that had been used on top of all the paint - but hey, we are still in the exploring with squeezing glue stage in development phase - the card made and she wrote in the card and shouted out word for word as she wrote in the card - I simply listened at the other end of the table and scribed on a separate piece of paper and dated it, so that sibling's new family could read it out and then it can be kept for years and years.
The remainder of the paintings were layered by PJ and folded up and wrapped as a present inside themselves. I tied them up with a ribbon and we sent them off with the card.
On the day of her siblings birthday, I suggested we send a text and we got one back thanking us for the card and pictures. I asked if PJ wanted a birthday cake so we could sing happy birthday, explaining as best I could that her sibling wouldn't be with us and they wouldn't eat the cake as they were with their new family now and so they would sing happy birthday and eat cake at their house but we could sing happy birthday and eat cake at our house too, if she wanted to.
Yes. A caterpillar cake was requested.
So that is what we did.
We got a caterpillar cake and decorated it with sweets and candles.
Ta Da!
this, however was not just an ordinary caterpillar cake.
This was a deeply symbolic moment.
We lit candles and sang happy birthday together.
The candles were blown out and then it happened.
the moment, I hadn't anticipated.
PJ sat in silence and just beamed.
She sighed a happy and contented sigh and beamed with pride.
I don't know what exactly she was thinking deep in her heart at that moment... and it seemed rude to intrude and to ask but this was about her and her sibling.
Her sibling who was living hundreds of miles away and living with another new family.
This moment was between her and her thoughts and her heart.
it was a very precious moment.
Not sure if we will do this for every sibling or if we will do this every year - I plan on going with the flow.
This year, was very special indeed.
Happy Birthday!
with love from PJ
xx
We made some lovely pictures, one which we cut up to fit a card and when I said to PJ that once all the glue was dry, we could write a special happy birthday message. She just beamed and said Oh can we Mummy, oh thank you - so precious a thing to say and yet such a sad thing to say - as of course I will help her in remembering and celebrating her sibling's birthdays, whenever she wants to.
Well the paintings took 3 days to dry, on account of the copious amount of glue and glitter that had been used on top of all the paint - but hey, we are still in the exploring with squeezing glue stage in development phase - the card made and she wrote in the card and shouted out word for word as she wrote in the card - I simply listened at the other end of the table and scribed on a separate piece of paper and dated it, so that sibling's new family could read it out and then it can be kept for years and years.
The remainder of the paintings were layered by PJ and folded up and wrapped as a present inside themselves. I tied them up with a ribbon and we sent them off with the card.
On the day of her siblings birthday, I suggested we send a text and we got one back thanking us for the card and pictures. I asked if PJ wanted a birthday cake so we could sing happy birthday, explaining as best I could that her sibling wouldn't be with us and they wouldn't eat the cake as they were with their new family now and so they would sing happy birthday and eat cake at their house but we could sing happy birthday and eat cake at our house too, if she wanted to.
Yes. A caterpillar cake was requested.
So that is what we did.
We got a caterpillar cake and decorated it with sweets and candles.
Ta Da!
this, however was not just an ordinary caterpillar cake.
This was a deeply symbolic moment.
We lit candles and sang happy birthday together.
The candles were blown out and then it happened.
the moment, I hadn't anticipated.
PJ sat in silence and just beamed.
She sighed a happy and contented sigh and beamed with pride.
I don't know what exactly she was thinking deep in her heart at that moment... and it seemed rude to intrude and to ask but this was about her and her sibling.
Her sibling who was living hundreds of miles away and living with another new family.
This moment was between her and her thoughts and her heart.
it was a very precious moment.
Not sure if we will do this for every sibling or if we will do this every year - I plan on going with the flow.
This year, was very special indeed.
Happy Birthday!
with love from PJ
xx
Monday, 25 March 2013
Keys - Preparation Group - April 2011
some of the key things I really found helpful from the Preparation Group Training Days , apart from the amazing WALL experience I loved meeting the other adopters who came to share their stories and to tell it how it is, with their adoption experiences.
First up we had a newly made family who talked about building their support network and how it worked in reality. This was helpful for me, as they were a same sex couple and I was able to ask them about how they built in some role models of the opposite sex into their children's lives. I was curious as I was embarking on adoption as a single female adopter, so having some good male role models around for my child was an important consideration. They talked openly about how some of the female role models had been really helpful practically and others in reality it hadn't worked so well for them. I guess the difference between being a friend for you as an adult and those friend's who are great with your children. It isn't always the same, or naturally flow. I found all this very helpful and reassuring that I am OK as a person, whole and complete and that I have a great support network of fabulous friends that I have built up over many years. The tried and tested. The ones that have survived along with me this far.
We then we met their children. Very cute. They rolled around the floor, in their look at me aren't I a great performer mode, lapping up the encouragement, the affirmation and the attention we all gave to them. All this was going on in the middle of the floor of the room as each child took it in turns to show their Introductions book - the book the adoptive parents made for each child before they met them. I loved the creativity in the scrapbook style photo albums and it brought it all to life, again for me. It got my creative juices going and I wanted to go home and start on my Introductions book - straightaway! (too bad the course was continuing to 4.30pm)
Here, in the Introduction book we were being shown, were photos showing the 2x Dads, their house, the park, the school, the doctors and some family photos with messages saying things like "we are excited to be seeing you soon". They also had brought in the cuddly toys they gave to each child - they had taken photos of these toys around the house - a bit like a hide and seek - and the toys had little voice recordings in them, so the Dads could each record their voices in the toys - and the children could then hear their voices before they met them - I simply just loved this idea - and definitely wanted to copy that idea.
The other significant and key for me from the Preparation Group Training Days was one of the Mum's who came to talk about her support network. She shared about how her family - on both hers and her husbands sides of the family had been very anti them adopting and had written to local authorities and adoption agencies expressing their concerns, negative feelings towards adoption and particularly their opinions on them adopting and the shame and negative infiltration adopting would bring on the wider family. This for me, was both interesting and encouraging. I had some family and friends who had expressed concerns and opinions around adoption and me adopting, which I had found hard to work through and worried might affect my ability to be accepted to adopt. I had carried this fear with me into the Preparation Group Training - The urban myth that said everyone has to be in agreement for you to be able to adopt. This woman talked about how she had a fabulous group of girl friends with whom she laughed, cried, drank coffee and wine with regularly and that she had shared stories of how things had gine well and not well at all with family members for her and her husband since they had now successfully adopted their child. She shared how, since their adoption, things have been tense with their families and that whilst some headway had been made, she needed to still be protective of their child, so that if things weren't going well, or if further let downs occured or if negative thigs were said, they removed themselves from the situation. She made it clear that the needs of their child came first and if the other grown up members of the family were not able to behave like grown ups and acceopt their child, then they as parents would behave like grown ups and put their child first and the other family members would miss out.
The most profoud comment she made was this: If any of you here today have friends or family who are not in complete support of your plans to adopt or who have negative opinions of adoption, I would encourage you to surround yourself with those family and friends who are supportive. Protect yourself, laugh with them, cry with them and think of yourself and use your friends like a cushion to comfort you. They are your support network. Forget about the others who are not supportive at this time. They may or may not come round but your friends who support you are and will be with you along the way.
Another urban myth shattered.
Wise advice.
A significant key to hold onto, right there.
A lifeline to grab hold of with both hands.
My support network have laughed and cried with me and the tea, coffe, cake, shared food, wine, their company and their freindship have been a strong tower of support.
First up we had a newly made family who talked about building their support network and how it worked in reality. This was helpful for me, as they were a same sex couple and I was able to ask them about how they built in some role models of the opposite sex into their children's lives. I was curious as I was embarking on adoption as a single female adopter, so having some good male role models around for my child was an important consideration. They talked openly about how some of the female role models had been really helpful practically and others in reality it hadn't worked so well for them. I guess the difference between being a friend for you as an adult and those friend's who are great with your children. It isn't always the same, or naturally flow. I found all this very helpful and reassuring that I am OK as a person, whole and complete and that I have a great support network of fabulous friends that I have built up over many years. The tried and tested. The ones that have survived along with me this far.
We then we met their children. Very cute. They rolled around the floor, in their look at me aren't I a great performer mode, lapping up the encouragement, the affirmation and the attention we all gave to them. All this was going on in the middle of the floor of the room as each child took it in turns to show their Introductions book - the book the adoptive parents made for each child before they met them. I loved the creativity in the scrapbook style photo albums and it brought it all to life, again for me. It got my creative juices going and I wanted to go home and start on my Introductions book - straightaway! (too bad the course was continuing to 4.30pm)
Here, in the Introduction book we were being shown, were photos showing the 2x Dads, their house, the park, the school, the doctors and some family photos with messages saying things like "we are excited to be seeing you soon". They also had brought in the cuddly toys they gave to each child - they had taken photos of these toys around the house - a bit like a hide and seek - and the toys had little voice recordings in them, so the Dads could each record their voices in the toys - and the children could then hear their voices before they met them - I simply just loved this idea - and definitely wanted to copy that idea.
The other significant and key for me from the Preparation Group Training Days was one of the Mum's who came to talk about her support network. She shared about how her family - on both hers and her husbands sides of the family had been very anti them adopting and had written to local authorities and adoption agencies expressing their concerns, negative feelings towards adoption and particularly their opinions on them adopting and the shame and negative infiltration adopting would bring on the wider family. This for me, was both interesting and encouraging. I had some family and friends who had expressed concerns and opinions around adoption and me adopting, which I had found hard to work through and worried might affect my ability to be accepted to adopt. I had carried this fear with me into the Preparation Group Training - The urban myth that said everyone has to be in agreement for you to be able to adopt. This woman talked about how she had a fabulous group of girl friends with whom she laughed, cried, drank coffee and wine with regularly and that she had shared stories of how things had gine well and not well at all with family members for her and her husband since they had now successfully adopted their child. She shared how, since their adoption, things have been tense with their families and that whilst some headway had been made, she needed to still be protective of their child, so that if things weren't going well, or if further let downs occured or if negative thigs were said, they removed themselves from the situation. She made it clear that the needs of their child came first and if the other grown up members of the family were not able to behave like grown ups and acceopt their child, then they as parents would behave like grown ups and put their child first and the other family members would miss out.
The most profoud comment she made was this: If any of you here today have friends or family who are not in complete support of your plans to adopt or who have negative opinions of adoption, I would encourage you to surround yourself with those family and friends who are supportive. Protect yourself, laugh with them, cry with them and think of yourself and use your friends like a cushion to comfort you. They are your support network. Forget about the others who are not supportive at this time. They may or may not come round but your friends who support you are and will be with you along the way.
Another urban myth shattered.
Wise advice.
A significant key to hold onto, right there.
A lifeline to grab hold of with both hands.
My support network have laughed and cried with me and the tea, coffe, cake, shared food, wine, their company and their freindship have been a strong tower of support.
Sunday, 24 March 2013
Friday, 22 March 2013
Q and A - Preparation Group - April 2011
This is one of my reflections from Preparation Group Training for Adoption that I did with Families That Last, an Adoption Agency in April 2011 and this post is part of the growing community of Adopters writing as part of the Weekly Adoption Shout Out.
Question: What did I find most useful from Preparation Group ?
Answer: For me, by far the most useful thing from the Preparation Group Training days was gaining understanding of some of the needs because of the developmental and emotional gaps for the adopted child.
This was fantastic for me. I have studied child development through my teacher training and my youth work training - but this was distinctly different. The visual illustration of THE WALL - made with bricks like mega blocks - was soooo visual and impacting. The wall was built with each layer providing the foundations and the subsequent layers of the child developmental milestones. We used stickers to represent each of the key ages and areas: love, needs met, stimulation, safety, security, play, stability, calm, socialising, nursery, school etc etc etc....
Alongside these bricks we looked at some case studies of children who had been neglected, abused, hospitalised, moved from foster care setting to foster care setting etc etc etc prior to being placed for Adoption.
In each case study, as we identified the various key bricks that were either just not there for the child, or the brick was being placed on top of a missing brick or bricks - such as: neglect - no food, left alone, health appointments not kept, or school not attended, moving house regularly, suffering physical abuse, emotional abuse with high levels of domestic violence and police calls and arrests.... etc etc etc
In practical terms and against what was historically thought, it is not enough to just put in place the new brick according to the child's age - or have as the new and visibly seen wall - the glossy theory that says - oh they will be OK as they are adopted now... it's a new start, they have been with you a year.... but for a child who has had no play experience or socialisation, missed nursery and playgroups, had no toys... the foundations are not there - simply adding the brick of going to school - will cause the brick to balance on thin air - and then to crash down in through the gaps.
Thankfully what has be realised now is that it is not enough to paper over the cracks, like wallpapering over poor plasterwork - but the bricks in the very foundations need to be inbuilt, embedded into the core foundations and to then be built upon from the very core: to be welcomed into the world and not rejected, to cry and have your needs of food and comfort met, to be loved and to have basic trust to be what you are meant to be - a baby.
I found this so impacting, as I reflected on my life as being adopted and the various foundational bricks my parents did instinctively embed in my life and as I thought about the broken and dysfunctional families I have worked with and as I faced adopting a child of my own.
I often think of the brick wall and the foundations that I need to embed and how stability is crucial for the foundations and resilience to survive and to thrive.
For me as a child, I was so aggressive at nursery school that I was expelled and didn't start school until I was 5. I was miserable throughout infant school, feeling cold and isolated and feeling in a bubble. My Mum worked hard at teaching me empathy, particularly, so that I could begin to understand how others were feeling even when I was still being the toughie and not feeling that pain myself, at all. My parents helped me try and try again with things like riding a bike or a musical instrument. When I failed some exams and had to re-sit and my boyfriend dumped me, I was upset and heartbroken but had by then more resilience to bounce back. I worked hard to pass the exam to get to Uni - and realised that the boyfriend wasn't worth me anyway!
I was so impacted by this and on reflection of my life too, hope to embed and build in resilience to PJ so that when hard times come in her life in the future that her whole world will not crash around her, causing her to fall through the gaps and land in the rubble of the foundations. Rather, I will support and cushion her falls, I will be that scaffolding for her as new bricks are placed in the foundation stones that are missing. We will continue to pour drinks and explore messy food like spaghetti or custard and jelly until we are secure enough to stop and to move on developmentally.
I will be working hard to fill in so many gaps that are missing.
I have some lovely and colourful bricks.
Let's get building.
Question: What did I find most useful from Preparation Group ?
Answer: For me, by far the most useful thing from the Preparation Group Training days was gaining understanding of some of the needs because of the developmental and emotional gaps for the adopted child.
This was fantastic for me. I have studied child development through my teacher training and my youth work training - but this was distinctly different. The visual illustration of THE WALL - made with bricks like mega blocks - was soooo visual and impacting. The wall was built with each layer providing the foundations and the subsequent layers of the child developmental milestones. We used stickers to represent each of the key ages and areas: love, needs met, stimulation, safety, security, play, stability, calm, socialising, nursery, school etc etc etc....
Alongside these bricks we looked at some case studies of children who had been neglected, abused, hospitalised, moved from foster care setting to foster care setting etc etc etc prior to being placed for Adoption.
In each case study, as we identified the various key bricks that were either just not there for the child, or the brick was being placed on top of a missing brick or bricks - such as: neglect - no food, left alone, health appointments not kept, or school not attended, moving house regularly, suffering physical abuse, emotional abuse with high levels of domestic violence and police calls and arrests.... etc etc etc
In practical terms and against what was historically thought, it is not enough to just put in place the new brick according to the child's age - or have as the new and visibly seen wall - the glossy theory that says - oh they will be OK as they are adopted now... it's a new start, they have been with you a year.... but for a child who has had no play experience or socialisation, missed nursery and playgroups, had no toys... the foundations are not there - simply adding the brick of going to school - will cause the brick to balance on thin air - and then to crash down in through the gaps.
Thankfully what has be realised now is that it is not enough to paper over the cracks, like wallpapering over poor plasterwork - but the bricks in the very foundations need to be inbuilt, embedded into the core foundations and to then be built upon from the very core: to be welcomed into the world and not rejected, to cry and have your needs of food and comfort met, to be loved and to have basic trust to be what you are meant to be - a baby.
I found this so impacting, as I reflected on my life as being adopted and the various foundational bricks my parents did instinctively embed in my life and as I thought about the broken and dysfunctional families I have worked with and as I faced adopting a child of my own.
I often think of the brick wall and the foundations that I need to embed and how stability is crucial for the foundations and resilience to survive and to thrive.
For me as a child, I was so aggressive at nursery school that I was expelled and didn't start school until I was 5. I was miserable throughout infant school, feeling cold and isolated and feeling in a bubble. My Mum worked hard at teaching me empathy, particularly, so that I could begin to understand how others were feeling even when I was still being the toughie and not feeling that pain myself, at all. My parents helped me try and try again with things like riding a bike or a musical instrument. When I failed some exams and had to re-sit and my boyfriend dumped me, I was upset and heartbroken but had by then more resilience to bounce back. I worked hard to pass the exam to get to Uni - and realised that the boyfriend wasn't worth me anyway!
I was so impacted by this and on reflection of my life too, hope to embed and build in resilience to PJ so that when hard times come in her life in the future that her whole world will not crash around her, causing her to fall through the gaps and land in the rubble of the foundations. Rather, I will support and cushion her falls, I will be that scaffolding for her as new bricks are placed in the foundation stones that are missing. We will continue to pour drinks and explore messy food like spaghetti or custard and jelly until we are secure enough to stop and to move on developmentally.
I will be working hard to fill in so many gaps that are missing.
I have some lovely and colourful bricks.
Let's get building.
Thursday, 21 March 2013
Preparation Group - April 2011
A week after My Decision To Be Brave I walked into Preparation Group. 4 days, spread out over 2 weeks and I was both excited and feeling nervous. There was no doubt that a lot of my anxieties were based on a foundation that still rocks, that says I am being judged and will not be good enough.
Failure to Thrive and Fear of Rejection are at the very core of my being. Intertwinned, locked together for strength and reliability, they lie dormant at times.
Waiting.
Then the strike comes.
A battle from deep within rages with swords waging as they rear their ugly heads. A battle of the war of wills I face it head on when potential new relationships are formed, I still have a tendancy to look at people and categorise them as either friend or foe, depending on whether they smile at me or not. I also face these fears head on when I talk about my past and fear or over anticipate their reactions and hvae the fear of rejection again when I am at an interview for a job. Remembering the interview panel naked technique never works very well for me. I see them as naked with machine guns. Really. Not a pretty sight!
Over timewith lots of investment from others and with age and growth, I have grown in my own confidence in myself and a growing belief and assurance in who I am. My Identity. I have learned skills and gathered trusted tools that I use automatically to help the fall out lessen and for me to sometimes slay a few of my demons and lessen the noise of skeletons rattling or monsters with green turned out toes emerging from cupboards.
Of course, not all my trusted tools I use are the best but they are ones that I have used and relied on, at times, for a lifetime.
Laughter and humour and being the life and soul of the party can be a mask from behind which I hide and pretend that I am OK. Agression and being defensive, bolshy and brash are a wall or a garage door that closes and surrounds me, locking me in secure, preserving my heart in a fridge so that I feel no pain. No one can hurt me from within here. Shut down and lock down. On the outside I am prickly and push others away. A hedgehog is too cute. Prickly dinosaur, maybe.
The labels of Premature Birth, Rejected, Abandoned, Adopted, Single, Divorced, Childless, Hoping to adopt are what I wear like medals of war. The reality is I am more than a survivor.
In place of the question marks of survival, the question mark of aabandonment, has been the huge eraser that over time has gently and firmly removed and lessened their grip and their hold on my life.
In place of failure to thrive is Life, thrive, survive.
In place of abandonment and rejection is love and welcome, acceptance, family, belonging.
Identity works hand in hand alongside the labels of premature birth, adopted, single, divorced.
They are part of who I am.
Me.
Rather than try and bury them, I embrace them.
I remember who I am. Me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am my own person, whole and complete, with many skills and life experiences all attached like strings to my bow, arrayed beautifully like useful tools in my toolbox of life. Deep treasure within. I am outgoing, friendly, skilled, qualified, experienced and will use all these skills to my best advantage. And I want to adopt. And I have been invited here.
Preparation Group, here I come.
I walk through the door and confront my inner fears of being single versus all the others being in a couple and hold my head high, remembering the many triumphs that have formed and shaped me into the woman I am today.
I was the only single adopter in the group but some of the other couples were really friendly. The group work sessions and times for coffee and lunch together were good for networking. I remember thinking at the time that this was my equivalent opportunity to make friends with other prospective adopters like my friends who have attended antenatal classes. This is it.
It didnt quite work out though, the building of friendships, sadly. Some dropped out after the first 2 days of the preparation group and the second wave of the preparation group for the following 2 days was with a completely different set of people. Again, all couples, who seemed quiet and not terribly chatty throughout the whole 2 days.
I wasn't worried. I was growing in the confidence that I was going theough this adoption process on my own and finding my own 2 feet and standing firmly in the affirmation of myself.
I can do this and I am doing this.
I did really enjoiy the 4 days of preparation group.
I learned some keys and some answers to some of my questions. Hoorah!
Failure to Thrive and Fear of Rejection are at the very core of my being. Intertwinned, locked together for strength and reliability, they lie dormant at times.
Waiting.
Then the strike comes.
A battle from deep within rages with swords waging as they rear their ugly heads. A battle of the war of wills I face it head on when potential new relationships are formed, I still have a tendancy to look at people and categorise them as either friend or foe, depending on whether they smile at me or not. I also face these fears head on when I talk about my past and fear or over anticipate their reactions and hvae the fear of rejection again when I am at an interview for a job. Remembering the interview panel naked technique never works very well for me. I see them as naked with machine guns. Really. Not a pretty sight!
Over timewith lots of investment from others and with age and growth, I have grown in my own confidence in myself and a growing belief and assurance in who I am. My Identity. I have learned skills and gathered trusted tools that I use automatically to help the fall out lessen and for me to sometimes slay a few of my demons and lessen the noise of skeletons rattling or monsters with green turned out toes emerging from cupboards.
Of course, not all my trusted tools I use are the best but they are ones that I have used and relied on, at times, for a lifetime.
Laughter and humour and being the life and soul of the party can be a mask from behind which I hide and pretend that I am OK. Agression and being defensive, bolshy and brash are a wall or a garage door that closes and surrounds me, locking me in secure, preserving my heart in a fridge so that I feel no pain. No one can hurt me from within here. Shut down and lock down. On the outside I am prickly and push others away. A hedgehog is too cute. Prickly dinosaur, maybe.
The labels of Premature Birth, Rejected, Abandoned, Adopted, Single, Divorced, Childless, Hoping to adopt are what I wear like medals of war. The reality is I am more than a survivor.
In place of the question marks of survival, the question mark of aabandonment, has been the huge eraser that over time has gently and firmly removed and lessened their grip and their hold on my life.
In place of failure to thrive is Life, thrive, survive.
In place of abandonment and rejection is love and welcome, acceptance, family, belonging.
Identity works hand in hand alongside the labels of premature birth, adopted, single, divorced.
They are part of who I am.
Me.
Rather than try and bury them, I embrace them.
I remember who I am. Me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am my own person, whole and complete, with many skills and life experiences all attached like strings to my bow, arrayed beautifully like useful tools in my toolbox of life. Deep treasure within. I am outgoing, friendly, skilled, qualified, experienced and will use all these skills to my best advantage. And I want to adopt. And I have been invited here.
Preparation Group, here I come.
I walk through the door and confront my inner fears of being single versus all the others being in a couple and hold my head high, remembering the many triumphs that have formed and shaped me into the woman I am today.
I was the only single adopter in the group but some of the other couples were really friendly. The group work sessions and times for coffee and lunch together were good for networking. I remember thinking at the time that this was my equivalent opportunity to make friends with other prospective adopters like my friends who have attended antenatal classes. This is it.
It didnt quite work out though, the building of friendships, sadly. Some dropped out after the first 2 days of the preparation group and the second wave of the preparation group for the following 2 days was with a completely different set of people. Again, all couples, who seemed quiet and not terribly chatty throughout the whole 2 days.
I wasn't worried. I was growing in the confidence that I was going theough this adoption process on my own and finding my own 2 feet and standing firmly in the affirmation of myself.
I can do this and I am doing this.
I did really enjoiy the 4 days of preparation group.
I learned some keys and some answers to some of my questions. Hoorah!
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